MEMPHIS, TN – “I usually start the session off by telling the patient about my triple boards in psychiatry, adult developmental psychiatry, and addiction medicine.  Then I continue into how long medical school was and all my grueling training, not to mention the four other boards one must pass to get where I am today,” Dr. Hasworth told reporters Sunday while adjusting his sweater vest.

He then walked me over to his vast wall of plaques and awards.  To avoid an hour-long award tour I asked about his patients and the lack of improvement he interjected with, “They just haven’t seen all my credentials.  Do they even know I’ve been published not only in every major psychiatric journal but I also have a baker’s dozen of books on how to live with psychiatric illnesses?”

The reviews on Amazon for his books all have similar themes: “Did not see any ‘help’ in this book, in-between 7-syllable words and the frequent touting of his credentials, I saw nothing” and “I feel like I have a firm grasp on how to become a psychiatrist but even more clueless about my depression.  I wish I would have bought one of the first 1000 copies and got a some free Cymbalta, now that would have been helpful.”

When asked about a typical appointment Dr. Hasworth said, “I’ll talk and talk using mostly arcaic and pedantic words.  I’m very acerbic when I speak.”  He then boasted, “I usually make sure they hear about all my journal publications and the PhD I acquired from a little college in Cambridge Massachusetts.  Maybe you’ve heard of it?”

“Harvard.”

“If they start to daydream I quickly correct them and give them a tour of my wall.  Here look at this.  This is an award I received for a Make-A-Wish run I participated in, and this one was given to me by the Boys & Girls Club, oh, that of course is my degree form… Harvard.”

Damn I was sucked in to the hour-long award tour.

Dr. Hasworth went on and on and this reporter wanted to shove a pencil in her eyes, only after jamming it in my ears making sure I could never hear again.  Unfortunately before I could complete the process I was prescribed Seroquel and made plans to meet with him next week, ears and eyes intact.