Health Care Providers Hail the Launch of the New “Patient Complaint Line”

Following in the pattern of patient satisfaction scores, Dreamland General Hospital has initiated a new “Patient Complaint Line.”  When a patient has acted in a manner that providers feel is inappropriate, providers, nurses, techs and, heck, even the janitor can call up the hot line and report misbehavior of any sort.

When providers call the hot line they are greeted with a friendly reassuring voice menu that starts out as follows:

Is your patient seeking care after the big game for an ailment that’s been going on all week, all month or since before cats had tails?  Press 1.

Is your patient seeking narcotics?  Press 2.  For the ninth time this week?  Press 2 nine times.

Is your patient requesting an MRI,= at 2:30 AM because of something they read on the internet?  Press 3.

Is your patient verbally abusing staff for not bringing Dilaudid for their 20 out of 10 abdominal pain and a turkey sandwich to wash down their Fritos and Mountain Dew?  Press 4.

Is your patient demanding a pregnancy test and ultrasound because there was just no time for that condom stuff in the alley at the party?  Press #.

And this is just the beginning.  Now the ultra-responsive and supportive administration springs into action.

Patients reported to the hotline are called by hospital administration who clearly and concisely explain to patients just where they failed to understand the concept of “emergency care” and then detail to the patients alternate approaches to obtaining care they requested.

For the teen patient who remains in the dark about where babies come from, administrators will have a courier deliver a copy of the classic “Daddy Has a Seed & Mommy Has a Garden…”

For those who were willful in their misuse or abuse, patients will be admonished, reprimanded, scolded or outright berated by administration depending on the experience score they receive from providers.  Multiple scores will not be averaged, they will take the highest score given.

Additionally, patients who are deemed to have abused the system are assessed a 10% surcharge which goes to fund care for indigent patients with genuine needs.  An additional 10% surcharge goes directly to the provider’s paycheck.

Patients who physically strike providers, nurses, techs and so on will be referred to law enforcement and will spend a period of one month per offense in the hospital laundry sorting the C. diff sheets from the non-C. diff sheets.

Additional weeks will be assigned depending on the number of intoxicants found and the number of bodily functions of which the patient has lost control.  Additional days will be added at a rate of one per swear word used, and two per swear word used when the hospital administrator calls to discuss the matter with the abuser.

If the patient is found to be in violation of the “reasonable soap use accords,” time will be added appropriately.

Huh?  What?  What do you mean it’s time to get up?

Man, that was such a NICE dream.