“It’s an honor,” gushes RN Katherine Quinn, wiping away tears.
Katherine has been nursing for over 20 years, and estimates she has cleaned up “at least” 60,000,000 patient’s stools.
General Manager Deborah Bradford presented the illustrious award at an official ceremony. The award is “an artwork in itself,” enthuses Bradford.
The Golden Nugget is an anatomically scaled likeness of the perfect stool. Rendered in 24K gold, it is encrusted with ruby and citrine gemstones to represent chunks of corn and flecks of blood.
It is rumored that Ms Bradford herself provided the stool, which was then set in plaster to create the artist’s mold.
Katherine also received a 16-pack of toilet paper for personal use, and a framed poster of the Bristol Stool Chart.
“But I don’t need a chart to tell me about different types of excrement. I could have written that chart myself!” states Katherine.
When asked about career highlights, Katherine smiles nostalgically.
“Too many to count. As a child, I always knew that cleaning up other people’s feces was what I wanted to do. Not many people get paid to do something they truly enjoy. I feel beyond blessed.”
“My very first nursing gig was in aged care. I remember joyfully scrubbing feces from a resident’s dentures after they had eaten some. I thought… I’m home.”
Katherine proudly states she has cleaned up every conceivable type of stool including basic nuggets, coffee grounds, melena, frank rectal blood, fecal fluid from impaction, and her personal favorite the unicorn poo.
“It is rare, beautiful and only witnessed by a privileged, chosen few. It can be confused with hand sanitizing gel or lubricant. It is entirely odorless, clear, deliciously slippery and it glistens. It’s beautiful.” Katherine is crying again.
Katherine aspires to be a stomatherapist. She loved her new graduate rotation on a colorectal surgical ward.
“I really enjoyed the challenge of multiple stoma bags simultaneously exploding. I loved measuring the diameter of the new stoma to select the appropriate appliance. I like to scrapbook, and it’s like arts and crafts.”
When questioned about fecal management systems such as the Zazzi or Flexiflo, Katherine squirms uncomfortably.
“I don’t care for them. It takes out the fun. Aside from the risk of bowel perforation, which frankly is an old wives tale, I just don’t get to feel it on my hand. As it is coming out. Hot off the press, so to speak,” she chuckles.
Katherine never wants to retire from nursing, ever.
