Richmond, VA – In the brief time since the calendar turned to 2020, the Virginia House and Senate have passed several bills aimed at limiting gun ownership in the state.
Today, the legislature turned their aim towards making hospitals safer.
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Virginia Governor Ralph Northam was at a dinner party when he overheard two surgeons talking about using a bovie electrocautery device in an operation. “It is apparently an electric knife that cuts tissue and stops bleeding all at once. I don’t think a standard scalpel like the founders intended would do that” Northam explained.
“Immediately I called Delegate Mark Levine from Alexandria and told him about these assault scalpels. Without doing any further research into the actual capabilities and uses of the “assault scalpels”, he agreed they should be banned and drafted the legislation” Northam continued.
The bill was passed on a strictly party line vote and surgeons have lost one of their most used surgical instruments. Northam has no regrets, “Surgeons didn’t have bovies for centuries. Joseph Lister never bitched about not having a bovie. Next we’re going after the Assault Raytecs, hiding under the alias of Neptunes.”