‘Twas the night before Christmas, a week after my first dose of vaccine,

The in-laws came to visit, when they should be quarantined!

I ducked and I hid, more than 6 feet away,

They were maskless, singing carols, much to my dismay!

‘Rona was in the air, coming in my direction,

But my poor immunity had not yet reached perfection.

Dinner was served, everyone ate with glee,

I ate out on our porch, just as it hit 1 degree.

My sister-in-law, her kids told tales from a Mexico trip,

She just returned yesterday, I swear I saw her nose just drip!

Opened gifts in full PPE, can’t smell my wife’s new perfume,

Since I’m wearing 3 N95s while in our attic on Zoom.

I need to make it 2 more weeks without getting an exposure,

Why’d the holidays hit before vaccine limbo was over?!

Avoiding the younger cousins, who just returned from the bars,

Threw mistletoe out the window, wish I could isolate on Mars!

Can’t wait for shot number two, when my body’s ready to fight,

But for now Merry Christmas to all, and to all a safe night!

Salt Lake City, UT – After reports of a mysterious monolith appearing in the desert of southeastern Utah, followed by similar structures recently found in Romania and California, doctors at Salt Lake Regional medical center were surprised to encounter an identical monolith on one patient’s CT abdomen and pelvis.

A middle-aged gentleman presenting with colicky flank pain was assumed to have kidney stones until his imaging came back with what appears to be a miniature, triangular monolith contained with the left renal pelvis. The density was consistent with a metallic object, much like the other monoliths found around the world.

Treating physicians were eager to publish a report of the first-ever documented case of acute monolithiasis. The patient was admitted to the floor for observation and serial imaging. Management of the condition will be supportive as the tiny monolith is projected to disappear on its own within a couple days after discovery.

The American Medical Association recently announced a plan to end its longtime role in CME and guideline publication and instead focus on selling term life, disability, and auto insurance, along with magazine subscriptions. According to Trent Ulreich, Executive Chairperson for Customer Retention, “selling term life insurance to physicians has proven immensely profitable, much moreso than our other roles.”

Documents obtained by GOMERBLOG investigative journalists reveal that the AMA has spent nearly $18 million dollars annually sending unsolicited paper mail adverts to physicians advertising various insurance products, and will bring in $97 million annually by 2023 through this enterprise.

“We plan to increase our mailings from every other week to twice daily, and will include information on great rates for auto and boat insurance, local real estate opportunities, coupons, roof repair, and driveway re-sealing,” said Ulreich.

Local physicians were very enthusiastic about the transition. Anita Chakrabouty, a Pediatric Gastroenterologist, said she receives notices twice weekly from the AMA asking her to sign up, pay membership dues, and buy term life insurance. “I had to tell them my address during credentialing, and since then it’s been non-stop,” she said, adding, “their publications are irrelevant to my field. I wish they’d leave me alone.”

Others expressed similar excitement. Jorge Schriver, an area Pathologist, said, “they’ve gotten clever, disguising insurance ads as if they were official tax forms, or sending them in important-looking manila envelopes. I’m always shocked when I open these up, expecting a W-2 or similar form and finding a ‘join now’ advertisement.”

Area Dermatologist Olivia Wong opined “it really cheapens their image and degrades their reputation, to advertise so aggressively, as if they were AOL in the 90s.”

Trent Ulreich, the AMA executive, also hinted at plans to insert text ads within bodies of articles in the esteemed Journal of the American Medical Association. “Soon, while you’re reading about the latest advances in the treatment of Nephronophthisis, what will you find, buried in the methods, exclusion criteria, and graphs? Descriptions of amazing rates on Term, Whole Life, and Disability insurance!”

“Would you like to sign up?” added Ulreich. “It’s only $299 per year! And we can give you 20% off your next tire change!”

The time is 1859 and pagers throughout the ICU begin to chirp. It’s time: Tube O’clock. This simple and easy protocol was designed to ensure each patient is tubed NO SOONER than five minutes before death or one hour after end of Nursing shift. All pending intubations will now take place at 0700 & 1900:

– 1900: Intern to approach nurse beginning shift report and state, “We are intubating patient right now”. Should nurse have questions, redirect to resident.

– 1903: Resident to answer on 8th call from nurse. Redirect nurse to Fellow should nurse have questions.

– 1904: Fellow to answer nurse’s call and immediately ask why Respiratory isn’t in room. Nurse may have questions about which meds to draw up or if you’re in the patient’s room. Give your first round of orders now, while briskly walking away from patient’s room and out of plain sight.

High Yield: Make sure you have a second round of orders to give when the team is gowned and in patient’s room.

– 1920: For fun, try intubating patient in ascending order of provider experience.

High Yield: Time is on your side!

– 1945: Page anesthesia overhead

– 1950: Patient intubated by anesthesia. Promptly depart to opposite side of unit; DO NOT replace your depleted phone battery until you have located graham crackers & peanut butter as your reward.

– 2000: Code 7/19 Complete! Make sure to ask the nurse you’ve been working with all day if he’s on Nights now, while he furiously charts said Code 7/19.

– 2001: Mentally prepare to be uninvited from next week’s potluck and for multiple pages requesting Tylenol orders.

A report by the Institute of Legal Education states that doctors are likely eligible for a Juris Doctorate degree after completing mandatory training for HIPAA and EMTALA compliance.

According to Jay Braslow, president of the institute, “the content of these modules are incredibly comprehensive, and cover 90% of the curriculum taught at most US law schools.”

Per Braslow, if hospitals were to add several modules on tort reform, litigation, and the Bill of Rights, physicians would indeed qualify for the JD degree.

Bernard Markesh, a compliance scholar, added that “most hospital compliance training consists of 75-87 hours of coursework on HIPAA, EMTALA, Stark Law, and anti-kickback statutes, which actually exceeds that provided at law schools.”

Dr Rajesh Modi, MD, expressed excitement at the possibility of earning a JD. “It would look great on my CV, and I would no longer have to do those modules every 6 months, right?”

Jay Braslow, the institute president, added that doctors would be able to apply for the degree starting in June, and that it would likely require completion of several additional online modules for the price of $249,000.

WASHINGTON, DC—In a stunning display of bipartisanship that is all too rare in Washington these days, Congress unanimously passed a new health insurance plan today. This historic bill, entitled “Medicare-for-All-4-One,” guarantees free lifetime medical care for the 1990s super-boy-band that introduced the world to such powerhouse hits as “I Swear” and “I Can Love You Like That.”

“The pundits all said we’d never find a solution to the health care crisis that we could all get behind,” said the beaming Speaker of the House and Senate Majority Leader in a joint press conference announcing the deal. “Boy, does it feel good to prove them all wrong.

“Once again,” they continued, “All-4-One has brought the nation together, just as they did so many years ago. Before there were the Backstreet Boys, N SYNC, One Direction, and whatever the hell BTS is, this quartet of Boyz II Men wannabes was delivering everyone lucky enough to be alive in the mid-1990s such unbridled joy with its magical rhythm-and-blues rendition of ‘I Swear.’ These boys lifted the spirits in all of us, and now it’s time to lift theirs.”

These 4 mega-talented men may have done more than just lift everyone’s spirits; many believe that their majestic voices had actual healing powers. Some insist that their heavenly tones and perfect harmonies could cure cancer. Others, like the Speaker, point to the band’s ability to heal a certain embarrassing condition. “Whenever we played their music,” she said, “my husband’s erectile dysfunction simply disappeared. And on those nights…boy, did he ever love me like that!

“The least we can do for these blessed healers,” she continued, “is to make sure they never have to pay another cent for their own health care.”

The new bill apparently came together very quickly, according to one Congressman. “When the Speaker informed us that the bandmates are all in their mid-to-late forties—meaning they’re two decades removed from their last money-making song and still nearly two decades away from being eligible for the current Medicare—we all immediately assumed they were now broke and ailing from a litany of health problems. We knew we had to act fast to get these fallen heroes the care they deserve.”

Amazingly, the Speaker and Majority Leader ended the press conference by embracing and, in a capella style, belting out: “We swear by the moon and the stars in the sky, we’ll be there…for you, A-4-O.”

The response from the public has been overwhelmingly positive, even considering taxes will undoubtedly be raised to pay for this plan.

Reached for comment, the band members replied, “Um, thanks, but we’re doing just fine.” They also noted that they’re still together and, in fact, they’ve never stopped making new music.

No, really, I swear.

An area emergency room physician was stunned today when his patient, a 4 year old boy whose parents denied any medical history, was found to have a well-healed sternotomy scar on examination.

“Imagine my surprise when I went to examine this previously healthy little boy and found a large scar at the thoracic midline, along with a 4/6 systolic murmur, a broviac, and a g-tube” said an exasperated Dr Nathan Subaraman, MD.

When asked if the boy ever had surgery, his parents initially said no, but with further prompting they did recall “three or four” procedures related to the boy’s heart, or possibly his lungs, liver, or intestines.

“I’m not sure when it was done, or why, or at what hospital,” said the boy’s mother, Vivian Blank, 35.

When asked if he is followed by any specialist doctors, she said he was followed by four of them in a nearby city, but she can not recall their names, institution, or specialty.

“That plastic thing on his chest? Some nurses come to the house each day and put special medicines through it,” said Mrs. Blank, though she was unsure of what medicines or why they were provided.

When asked about other medical issues, apart from those related to his heart surgery, broviac, and g-tube, she did vaguely recall an allergy to Vincristine and that he needs a medicine called “factor,” and that he “must not have any carnitine…no…he must have extra carnitine!”

Despite being one of the most studied medications there has never been a range of placebos released onto the market. The newly launched Pharmaceutical company “Big Pharma” saw this gap and have developed a full range of placebos. From the small sized sugar coated range in 5 different colours right through to injectables, eye drops and the topical creams and ointment range called “Kiss it better”, Big Pharma’s placebos are taking the world by storm. The demand has been huge and Big Pharma have also developed a non-addictive range and placebos with less side effects.

“These drugs have been assessed and released onto the market in record time due to the huge number of scientific papers published in all disciplines of medicine” explains Dr Nocebo, clinical lead and head of marketing. “Placebos often work almost as well as the active drug, with the side-effect profile less than the active drug studied and they are far cheaper to produce” he added. “The FDA just rubber stamped them and we were all go, scaling up quantities to meet demand has been our biggest challenge”.

After developing the full range of prescriber only placebos Big Pharma have also released a full range of over the counter medications. “We feel that its important that patients develop self efficacy and are able to access these medications themselves. Of course, they’re slightly more expensive due to the easily understandable package inserts, more attractive packaging and retail staff training.” Specialist only placebos are also in the pipeline -“Doctors in all disciplines of medicine should have access to these life changing medications for their patients” said Dr Nocebo.

The branded placebo range has been so successful that Big Pharma is almost ready to launch a full range of generics and a homeopathy line

Stock prices of Pfizer are predicted to hit record levels in the next 6 months. This is because they recently introduced the first ever drug to treat hypochondria. This drug is predicted to revolutionize the care of hypochondriacs.

This drug is enteric coated and a combination of two active ingredients, sugar and starch. It’s chemical name is sucrose- (2R,3S,4S,5R,6R)-2-(hydroxymethyl)-6-[(2R,3S,4R,5R,6S)-4,5,6-trihydroxy-2-(hydroxymethyl)oxan-3-yl]oxy-oxane-3,4,5-trio. It will be marketed under the trade name Placebadil TM.

In phase one and two trials, the drug was successful at treating a myriad of perceived illnesses such as 2 day old sinus infections, Covid 19, brain cancers, and appendicitis. The trials were so successful that it was placed on fast track to be approved before the end of the year.

One participant in the study, was cured of her perceived endometriosis after only three doses. That study was conducted in a double blind fashion. The patient did not know if she was getting the placebo or the placebo. After she declared that she no longer suffered from endometriosis she learned that she did indeed, get the placebo.

Placebadil is slated to hit the market in the next two months. It will provide doctors with another tool in their armamentarium to treat hypochondriacs. Patients with perceived illnesses will no longer have to suffer in perceived silence.

OSLO, NORWAY – This past Friday the American Radiology Association facilitated a landmark nuclear deal between members of interventional radiology and general radiology. Deep-rooted historic and cultural entanglements have long polarized these two groups. But differences were put aside last week as leaders from both sides realized the importance of imaging non-proliferation.

For years, arguments have led to conflicts between the departments. The first clashes occurred in the 1920s over mining rights to gallium, technetium and thallium. The famed HIDA Heist of the 1950s popularized the phrase “Caesium and Desist!” and “You put the SPECT in suspect!”.

In the early 2000s there were intense debates regarding the utility of IV contrast, and whether angiography or VQ scan is better for detecting PE. In more recent years, opposing departments would clash in hospital hallways with chants of “We don’t like your MUGA!” and “We’re not your PET!”.

Despite their numerous conflicts, the two sides came together to find common ground on topics such as the importance of clinical correlation and recommending other types of imaging. Officials reported that upon signing the accords both sides extended their C-arms in a long handshake.

“We’re excited to ablate the animosity between our two parties”, said radiologist Milo Graham. “This whole thing is pretty Rad! We’re looking forward to enriching our relationship, one that we hope lasts for many half-lives.”

The historic treaty was inspected by the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) before signing.