Sacramento, CA – Dr. Atul, a general surgeon, who evidently graduated from medical school thinks he can actually start a surgical case a 3pm! What an idiot!!!

Dr. Atul, who passed his surgical boards, was seen at the control desk at 3:17pm asking why his patient was not in the OR. “My case was scheduled 17 minutes ago!” he was overheard sounding frustrated at the charge nurse.

Dr. Atul, who is normally well-liked and friendly to all the OR staff, even Anesthesia, is totally baffled that ORs around the country completely shut down from 2:40 to 3:30. No way will nurses start a case after 2:30pm because the paperwork takes almost a half hour to complete and shift change is at 3.

Dr. Atul, bless your heart.

LITTLE FALLS, MN—Dr. Daya Stolick, a new surgical intern, hardly broke a sweat when there was a massive amount of blood loss during her first operative case, expertly helping her attending stop the hemorrhaging. But hours later, during a post-op check, when she saw the numbers 60/30 flashing on the patient’s monitor, she dropped straight to the ground.

Humiliated, Dr. Stolick struggled to explain what happened on that fateful day. “I think I just panicked when I saw those alarming red numbers. As a stupid intern, I had no idea blood pressure could even drop that low, let alone what to do for it. Vasopressors? Fluids? Medicine consult? Prayer? Who knows? So I just performed the best intervention I could think of: faint and let someone else take care of the problem.”

While her fellow residents have mercilessly mocked her ever since, her attending has been surprisingly easy on her. “I think it’s admirable that she let her blood pressure plummet to the same level as the patient’s. Now that’s what I call empathy!”

Although Dr. Stolick may have been embarrassed, she is hardly alone. A recently published New England Journal of Medicine article concluded that residents’ blood pressures tend to match their patients. “In fact, I once had a patient with a blood pressure of 250/130,” said the study’s lead author. “I was so stressed and anxious that my own BP soon jumped just as high. Then I compassionately held his hands, gazed into his eyes, and we stroked out together.”

Many believe it’s simply beautiful when a doctor is there for her patient like that. Nonetheless, Dr. Stolick’s medical peers have been ruthless in their teasing of her. On rounds, when it’s time to discuss patients’ vital signs, someone inevitably gives her a helmet, slides over a chair, or kindly suggests that she step away for a few minutes. “We also race to cover telemetry monitors before Dr. Stolick comes in,” explained a 2nd-year resident. “Wouldn’t want her to pass out from seeing a systolic blood pressure of 90, now would we?”

“Sometimes we even kick the patients out of their beds so that Dr. Stolick can lie down during rounds,” the resident added.

At press time, Dr. Stolick was called to see an unresponsive patient whose blood sugar was 25. Her struggling brain gobbled up all the glucose it could as it hopelessly pondered what to do next and then did the only thing it could think of: pass out.

UPDATE: When Dr. Stolick came to, she asked the nurse what had happened. The nurse replied, “It was your blood sug—”.

“Blood!” Dr. Stolick interrupted the startled nurse. “That’s what I should have given my first patient…blood!”

All the bickering of which is best

The song, the canvass, the word, the marbled stone,

The rest

Pittance such luxury

Lacking any test

Pittance yes!

Void of existential quest

Ver-Sed, Ver-Sed

Who maketh thee?

Who taketh thee

And

Sedateth me?

Who bends me forward

to hit the spine

And

Dullen me?

Who slips the Foley in

To

Empty me?

Who punches holes

And cuts me now

From Navel

To

My wooly down?

And snips

The Sigmoid

Removing

For all time

My frown?

Salud to you

Dear Surgeon Dan

My Bowel

Your David

Your Peter Pan

Your Ode,

Your Humboldt’s Gift

Oh gaze upon

My tummy’s rift

True art

Surpasses tests of time

True art

Yields gifts sublime

True art

Transforms the crass

True art

Allows the gas to pass

Oh sirens

Sing celestial praise

To such simple joy

Flatulence, Sulphuric haze

The joke recall

The heart, the brain, the ass?

Yo!

Urethra

Oh stream, oh river!

Flow

I work

I work again

Back now

To

Silly pursuits

I void

I void again

Satan

Look elsewhere

For thine Recruits

Third-grade teacher Mr. Granger’s class has had a ball during their annual career day, where students invite a grown-up to come talk about their job. Scientists, firefighters, and chefs, oh my! But someone probably should have asked Kelly Chang about their mother’s specialty before inviting them to the most recent career day…

It started out innocently enough.

“Kelly’s mom is here, and guess what, she’s a doctor!” Mr. Granger raved breathlessly. “Please everyone, give a big hand to Dr. Chang!”

“You know what they say about big hands right?” Dr. Chang chuckled over a sea of uncomprehending faces, save Mr. Granger’s shocked face. “Anyone? Well ah…tough crowd! That one usually gets a few laughs.”

“I’m sorry,” murmured Mr. Granger. “What kind of physician did you say you were?”

“I’m a urologist!” Dr. Chang replied brightly over Mr. Granger’s shuddering gasp. “Surgeon of the urinary tract and the male reproductive system! Now to be honest, I’ve never really done this before, but I hear you kiddos like props.”

She rummaged around her briefcase and unearthed a grapefruit-sized model of a testicle. The children ooh’ed and ahh’ed.

“This is a testicle. Can you say TES – TI – CLE? Amazing! Now the cover for the testicle is a really big word. Tunica albuginea. Tunica albuginea. What a mouthful right?”

Mr. Granger, whose mouth now resembled a prune, finally chimed in, “Um, Dr. Chang, we so appreciate you taking time out of your busy job, but are you sure this is appropriate for children?”

Dr. Chang, who had been demonstrating on her model how to palpate the epididymis, swung around and hissed, “Are you telling me you don’t care for testicular health?”

Mr. Granger blanched and stammered, “N-n-no, it’s just that –“

“Just what?” demanded Dr. Chang, advancing threateningly with the testicle. “That it’s gross? That it’s disgusting? I thought you were supposed to be a model for these children.”

Mr. Granger gulped, sighed, and was seen slumped in a chair for the rest of the session, sipping from a bottle of wine stashed in his desk. At the end, Dr. Chang barked, “And why don’t we perform a scrotal biopsy for suspected testicular malignancy?”

“To avoid seeding the biopsy tract!” replied a squeaky chorus.

“Very good, very good! Even better than some of my residents, I dare say.”

All that “digestion and absorption is so overrated”

Weight loss surgery has gained popularity, although success rates are no where near 100%. Patients have been asking for more effective types of weight loss surgeries, especially once’s that eliminate the need for exercise.

Well patients must look no further! One surgeon in Mississippi, Dr. Chunkenfixer was tired of having his weight loss patients regain a portion of their weight so he developed a cutting edge procedure to combat this.

This innovative and radical surgery involves removing the entire enteric system except for the esophagus and the rectum. The distal esophageal sphincter is then anastomosed to the internal anal sphincter providing a continuous path for food in, food out.

This amazing procedure bypasses all that annoying digestion and absorption. It provides patient with a way to truly eat and still loose weight, without even having to get up off the couch.

There have been only a few minor problems with the procedure so far, but doctors are sure these bugs can be worked out. These complications include but are not limited to, total nutritional collapse, dehydration and shock leading to total vascular collapse and death within a few short days. Also, patients report the inability to stand up straight due to esophageal anal tension. Unfortunately, those who stand up straight after this surgery will have their anastomosis snap apart.

On the bright side, colonoscopies will be super easy and can be performed with an oral or a caudal approach.

A detailed undercover investigation has discovered that the orthopedic library is merely just a gym in disguise. The signs should have been obvious in retrospect, as many an orthopedic resident was seen leaving the library flush and dripping with sweat. “I just assumed that the sweat covered exhausted look they have leaving the library was just what orthopedists looked like when they tried to read” said Internal Medicine Doctor Daniel Michelson.

An unnamed Whistle blower took us through a tour of the ortho library which he referred to as the “boneyard”, showing the various “volumes” available for “study”. Including The American Journal of Swole, which was hastily scratched into a tricep machine, some free weights, and an absurd amount of mirrors. An area dubbed “Hand Weenie Corner” did contain an elliptical, resistance bands and some yoga mats.

Arnold “Quadrasaurus” Yates, Orthopedic Department Head, provided a defense for the orthopedic library, “well the brain is like any other muscle, the more you lift the stronger it gets” as he admired his massive quads in a mirror. When pressed on how to lift with your brain, he then went on to state his accomplishments as an alumnus of “Flexus A&M” and claimed to be a pioneer in “swole-eosis surgery”. Further investigation discovered that Dr. Yates is a world renowned expert in spinal fusion, and was a graduate of Harvard medical school, where he was a member of Alpha Omega Alpha. Dr. Yates did not deny these facts but did add one correction that he is “Pure Alpha, no Omega”. Younger orthopedists are confused by the idea of a “library” as a storage place for the printed word. One young medical student with aspirations of bulging biceps stated “They are still printing things?”

For the past several weeks, the Covid 19 pandemic has had a devastating affect on the citizens of the entire world. No one has been more negatively impacted than our nations celebrities.

Without access to much needed rhinoplasties, breast augmentations, liposuction, and facelifts, these grotesque celebrities have had to suffer through massive reductions in their monthly cosmetic routines.

Procedures ranging from Brazilian butt-lifts to hyaluronic acid lip fillers have been delayed indefinitely forcing celebrities to live with their hideously average features. Sadly, botox injections have been delayed as well, forcing these disenfranchised stars to endure mild furrowing of their brows, crows feet and drooping eyelids. Many have resorted to unapproved home remedies such as DIY chemical peels and exfoliants. A spokesman for the Kardashians told reporters on Tuesday that this is a travesty of the highest order.

As quarantine guidelines are relaxed across the country, bereft unsightly celebrities have been storming local cosmetic surgery centers at an alarming rate. LA, Hollywood, and Miami have been the hardest hit. These hideously average looking celebrities are demanding complete overhauls of their physical attributes.

President Trump has declared a second state of emergency and is mandating that hospitals, dermatologists and cosmetic surgery centers send their extra supplies and personnel to these hot spots. A team of rapid response aestheticians is being mobilized and will be deployed to Los Angeles which has been the hardest hit area so far.

Trained triage personnel will be able to quickly determine which individuals have the most urgently horrific physical deformities and which individuals have no hope of improvement. Sadly, these individuals will be left to wallow in their mediocrity. While the rest of the country starts to feel comfortable enough to doff their PPE, Celebrities must remain in full face cover so as to not create panic in the public. The public is advised that if they should come in contact with an unmasked celebrity, to not look directly at them as they may burn their retinas.

NEW YORK — Students enrolled in the Plastic Surgery Summer Fellowship were surprised when they were instructed via electronic mail not to report to the Medical Center on their first day, but instead to arrive at the Brooks Brothers on Fifth Avenue promptly at 9:00 a.m. While proper attire for the day was not specified in the email, students arriving in scrubs were immediately dismissed from the program.

“Plastic surgery is a competitive specialty,” explained fellowship director Dr. P. Moniesworth as he reached down to brush some Manhattan dust off the broguing on his oxfords. “We can’t have students taking up valuable mentoring time and resources if it’s clear they don’t have what it takes.”

Students were then brought into the store, where attendings had set up seminar stations in sections for pocket watches, monocles, three-piece suits, cufflinks, among others. Students were instructed on the understated elegance of white gold and the importance of french-cuff shirts. “Before you can be a plastic surgeon, you have to look like a plastic surgeon,” explained Dr. Moniesworth. “Medicine is about empathy. You can’t expect a patient to want you to execute their narcissistic, image-obsessed vision if it’s clear you aren’t an image-obsessed narcissist yourself. And cufflinks that say “I’m rich AND shallow” go a long way towards building that connection.”

The students were then put through a series of OSCEs in which they were to demonstrate the various skills they learned throughout the morning with standardized patients. The OSCE skills included cuff-link adjusting, pocket watch flashing, Rolex wristwatch time-checking, and tuxedo jacket buttoning. There was also a necktie practical where students were asked to tie a full windsor, half windsor, four-in-hand, and bow tie. Any students that did not successfully complete all evaluative components of the session were immediately dismissed from the fellowship.

After the assessment, the plastic surgery program had to vacate the store, as Brooks Brothers needed to prepare for an internship group coming from a law firm for a workshop entitled “How to Waste Client Money Tastefully.”

When asked by a student whether to report in scrubs the next day, the fellowship director responded “What are we? Orthopeasants?” The student was promptly dismissed from the program.

Per compliance with “social distancing,” all OR staff will now stand 6 feet away from each other, including 6 feet away from the patient.

Neurosurgeon Dr. Shortarms commented, “Yea, I mean you just can’t trust the sterile drapes, anymore. Fortunately our department purchased a toy bionic robot claw. I think it will be suitable for clipping aneurysms, but obviously there will be a learning curve as with any instrument when you first start. This is the best option to keep us and the patient safe!”

“I was never really good at darts,” said one scrub tech while practicing throwing the scalpel towards a surgeon. “But it’s never too late to get good!”

“Close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and tibial nails,” said an orthopedic surgeon as he launched a mallet and nail towards the wall to practice.

The hospital is also set to purchase slinky versions of laparoscopes.

Hospital administrators hope these changes help in future Joint Commission inspections and CDC compliances.

Multiple Electronic Health Systems consultants expressed regret Monday over a poorly conceived plan to allow clinicians to vote on their system’s project name as BONER upgrade goes live.

“I believe the idea came from one of the hospital administrators,” said Ted Francis, lead architect for the BONER project. “They thought it would be some kind of moral booster. I have been part of these go-lives before though, I could have told you what would happen.”

Sources report voting was open for one week, but that by the end of the first day, a runaway favorite had already been identified.

“We were sitting around in the call room as the admitting team the day the email came out, so right away we all started coming up with names,” said 2nd year internal medicine resident Kelly Boswick. “It was great. I think our team alone submitted the MORE_SLOWNESS upgrade, the PLAGUE upgrade, and the DOLLAR$IGNS upgrade. An hour after voting opened though, BONER hit the list and then it was pretty much game over.”

As the outcome became clear, hospital administrators briefly tried to cancel the vote before bowing to pushback, greatest of all from the urologists.

“Urology pulls a lot of weight around here,” said urologist and department chairman Dr. Rich Hardwood. “It’s a little hard to recruit out here and we bring in a lot of business. When we saw the vote, we loved it. No way I was going to let them backtrack off that. What red blooded man, or his partner, doesn’t want a nice BONER upgrade? That’s why I went into medicine in the first place.”

“The BONER upgrade was hard,” said RN Alison Moore, EHR superuser and the health system’s senior administrator for informatics. “Like really, really hard. And it took a ton of work to get it up and keep it up. I was getting calls non-stop from my clinicians complaining about the upgrade:

‘My BONER is broken.’
‘Something isn’t working, am I using this BONER correctly?’
‘I thought this was going to be an upgrade but my BONER doesn’t really look any different than before.’

Etc, etc. And it wasn’t just me- they were all calling each other too, asking if their BONER’s were working or not.”

Alison did admit that ultimately everything was smoothed out and the upgrade seems to have been an improvement overall.

“Once everyone finally got their BONER functioning, then it was nothing but cigarettes and high fives,” she said, “Myself included. When you finally get that perfect BONER, it’s hard to live without it. Although I have heard from friends at other sites that if you upgrade to the dark/nighttime shade BONER package, you never go back. I may look into that a bit next time I am on vacation.”