Alarming Study Finds Malignant Brain Cancers Appear on Side of Cell Phone Use

BOSTON, MA – A new multi-center randomized study to be published next week in Medicine found that a whopping 52.4% (+/- 3.67% with p-value 0.02) of brain cancers are found on the preferred side of the head used for cell phones.  In this groundbreaking study, researchers at Harvard painstakingly looked back at the medical records of over 35,000 patients around the country who have developed brain cancer over the last 18 years.

“We chose 18 years,” said lead scientist Dr. Art Hamshackle, “because cell phone use has increased exponentially since the landmark year of 1996, when Jerry Macguire yelled those now-immortal words, holding his cellular phone so dangerously close to his left ear.  Imagine a world without cell phones.  We’d cut the rate of brain tumors in half!”

Dr. Hamshackle went on, “We found more startling associations as well in our study.  For example, nearly one-hundred percent of these unfortunate souls received their childhood vaccines on schedule!  There maybe a link between the two.  No doubt 35,000 patients is a big number!”

The study will perhaps revolutionize how we as a society look at cell phones.  The backlash
against the telecom industry is already apparent.  Leading the way are prominent anti-vaxxers such as Donald Trump and Jenny McCarthy, who are organizing rallies around the nation with titles such as, ‘Not in My Head,’ ‘Zap My Brain? No Thanks,’ and ‘Re-Think iCancerPhones.’

Local mom and anti-vaxxer Anna Kornocorn received her invite to the rally via text.  After calling all of her friends to spread the news, she tweeted: “Hand-switching so hard while driving!  Can selfies give me skin cancer too?? #notcoolverizon #IchooseNObraincancer #jointhefortyeightpercent.”