The devil is in the details and, for patients and family members, those details can be hard to squeeze out of those shifty doctors as they Houdini in and out of your room. Often times, people are told that their loved one is “doing well, no new updates.” While no news can be good news, how do these doctors define “well?”
It turns out that it greatly depends on your physician’s specialty. This list serves as a guide for patients and their families to better determine what “well” means and get a better sense of how low their doc’s bar has sunk. Hopefully, this will improve patient-doctor communications as well as Press Ganey scores.
Anesthesiology
You didn’t die during surgery, congrats!
Cardiology
We already did the cath, what else is there to talk about?
Cardiothoracic Surgery
Just kidding, they’re not doing well at all.
Emergency Medicine
If we’re giving this kind of update that means that you’ve been down here too long and you need to either die, get admitted, or go home, like 20 minutes ago.
General Surgery
Waiting on you to eat and poop more so you can go home or so help us we’ll lap you again!
GI
Solids in and solids out are proportionate and all orifices have been sufficiently scoped.
Internal Medicine
Yo, we just made your inpatient problems, outpatient problems (drops clipboard).
Infectious Disease
Your rip-roaring infection is actually susceptible to antibiotics which we recommended in our note. We are going to go away now.
MICU
See cardiothoracic surgery above.
Neurosurgery
While pinching Grandma’s pectoralis muscle, she grabbed our hand, showing that there is more going on than just brainstem reflexes. Happy Monday!
Neurology
Aspirin levels are optimal.
Nursing
No poo was flung, call buttons weren’t pressed every 15 minutes, and their IV is flowing without kinks or air bubbles. Dilaudid dispensing was minimal.
OB/GYN
The baby is out, your rectum and vagina remain two separate entities and you’re not exsanguinating from either.
Oncology
Hey, we’re all dying of something but you know what? You’re doing normal human things and will continue to do so for a while yet and that makes us happy.
Orthopedic Surgery
Your post-op films look @#$*ing awesome, bruh.
Pediatrics
Following growth chart, immunizations up to date, car seat fits well, appetite is good, developing within range, all other checkboxes satisfactory…
Psychiatry
You’re probably not going to kill yourself or anyone else.
Respiratory Therapists
Sputum production is decreasing after blowing out a huge loogie.
Urology
Things look good… Whoops I mean things were hard but they’re looking up… No no no just stay hydrated you’re fine.
So very true
Very good point.
Nailed it!
Neurosurgery. I cried giggling. Nursing was pretty on point too
Oncology ICU… your loved one is cancer free! But the sepsis is keeping them On the vent, pressors, CRRT…
Who needs results. More fun guessing.
Mercedes Ray
In all seriousness, I’ve learned to be a little more specific with my family updates. To me, in the ICU “stable” means s/he still has a pulse, BP wasn’t dangerously high or low, s/he required no emergent procedures/scans, and no new organs are failing. I’m making no predictions about long-term prognosis. To a family, stable can mean “s/he is getting better and will pull through this just fine.” Amazing the communication gap that can exist between us and our families!
Fave: Psych – You’re probably not going to kill yourself or anyone else.
Keith Kowalczyk, Amarin Sangkharat, Scott Wagner
Aspirin levels! :) Ruthanna!
Hmm family medicine wasn’t included, but it made me laugh anyway.
Sherry Sherry Randy Parker
They are breathing unasissted, so they are stable.
“Doing well” to a surgeon: “The incision looks great!”
James Rachel Patiya
Bruh!
Catherine Boutros Salima Hasham
Said as a neurosurgeon married to a hepatobiliary surgeon
Family: So how is s/he doing (overall)?
Surgeon: S/he is doing fine (re: to surgery)
Family: Is s/he going to make it (survive the disease)?
Surgeon: Of course, s/he is going to do just fine (survive the surgery)
Sam Spalding psych and urology are my fav bahahaha and internal! so funny!!
Miona hahaha oncology is so accurate! And so is peds and psych lol
Jamie Kirby Lynch oncology
Family medicine: they made all your inpatient problems NEW outpatient problems by changing every single medication to something not covered under insurance.
Funny Rupert Spencer….I like the Nurse one the most!!
Allison Hunter get ready for that Ortho life, bruh
OR: yup, everything’s fine, call you back in two hours for another vague update.
MICU: You are still dying, but probably not today so congratulations
The infectious diseases statement will be made by me multiple times today.
Katherine Raile Sonia Mohrlang
“Orthopedic Surgery
Your post op films look @#$*ing awesome bruh.”
Guilty as charged… :-D
The Ob/Gyn one is spot on.
My favorite:
Internal Medicine
Yo we just made your inpatient problems, outpatient problems (drops clipboard).
Nephrology: oh you’re 96 yo w seven comorbid conditions? Lets get started with dialysis.
Haha ortho. Ginny Bowbrick
Yo we just made your inpatient problems, outpatient problems (drops clipboard).
Radiology: looks normal, but cannot rule out clot, cancer, infection, death…
Pathology:
Wait… what? You’re still alive? That doesn’t happen often in this department. Please correlate with clinical findings.
Just when I think gomerblog can’t get any better…
Hysterical with a morsel
Of truth!
just keep peein’, man