BOCA RATON, FL – Staff from three departments – Emergency, Surgery & Internal Medicine – received scathing criticism from hospital administrators at today’s monthly meeting for allowing their patient satisfaction scores to “lag behind” the near 99% patient satisfaction marks earned by the Labor & Delivery floor.
“This is unacceptable” emphasized Chloë Less, Head of Quality Control. “We went into that meeting determined to figure out why satisfaction scores could be so different between a patient welcoming their first adorable bundle of joy and another patient in the very same hospital who just had a traumatic amputation of both legs after a motor vehicle collision. Clearly the Emergency, Surgical & Medical staff members aren’t pulling their weight. Our plan is to find somebody to blame.”
The hospital administrators’ PowerPoint presentation culminated in what Ms. Chloë Less characterized as “the knockout punch” for the 3 criticized departments. “Our last slide showed us that a hospital pathologist had earned a perfect 5-star online patient satisfaction rating [total survey sample of 2] despite never having interacted with patients. These are shocking numbers. And we all know that numbers never lie, and that the customer is always right.”
After the slideshow presentation ended, hospital administrators pressed the Emergency, Surgical & Medical floors to “think outside the box” and to come up with effective strategies to help their satisfaction scores “catch up” with Labor & Delivery.
“We, of course, informed all 3 departments that their staff members will be forced to attend a 16-hour-long remedial Customer Satisfaction Training Workshop, offered on weekends for the sake of convenience,” said Ms. Chloë Less. “But we wanted to make bold changes, and we were disappointed by the silence in the room.”
Hospital administrators subsequently sprung into action and presented multiple “quality solutions” to augment ER & Med/Surg patient satisfaction scores:
• Initiate an overhead alarm to alert staff in real time when the aggregate patient satisfaction scores drop below 95%. This system would mimic the national “Terror Level” threat with a complex rainbow color scheme (e.g. magenta would indicate that a patient on the floor was not satisfied with the soup selection from meal trays).
• Offer unlimited lozenges to patients, thereby bypassing the need for the nurse to page the physician at 3:01 AM for lozenge dispensation authorization.
• Dispense “Free Percocet” at strategic locations throughout the hospital campus, preferably near coffee machines on each floor so that the pills could be conveniently crushed & added to beverages.
• Cut pay for the nursing staff. Again.
• Expand the role of the newborn photographer on the Labor & Delivery floor to also take pictures of patients returning from the catheterization lab after massive heart attacks. Several hospital administrators suggested that the 3 “slacking” departments “follow the lead of Labor & Delivery” in helping patients who are battling life-threatening illnesses/accidents by making “cute little commemorative hand-prints & foot-prints” [except amputees] as keepsakes to take home and “cherish forever in their scrapbooks”
When contacted by GomerBlog for comment, trauma surgeon Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, MD, JD, MBA flatly said, “So now they’re comparing ‘the best day of my life’ to ‘the worst day of my life?’…….. Okay.”
Just remember what the RN really stands for Refreshments and Narcotics
I don’t think I’ve ever let the Internet get me all butthurt before. And I LOVE gomerblog. But I’d like to send out a big, fat “Fuck you!” To my fellow nurses who think we don’t do real nursing and it’s all rainbows and unicorns in L&D.
I don’t think I’ve ever let the Internet get me all butthurt before. And I LOVE gomerblog. But I’d like to send out a big, fat “Fuck you!” To my fellow nurses who think we don’t do real nursing and it’s all rainbows and unicorns in L&D.
It is all about the numbers now – think we forgot our true mission :{
It is all about the numbers now – think we forgot our true mission :{
We need to focus on creating more clinics…not patient satisfaction….
This would be funny if I hadn’t just finished my 13 hour shift with a pt who screamed at me and called me lazy because it took me an hour to get him a pillow and a sandwich.
This cuts waaaaaay too close to home.
Funny!
You sure??? Maybe they just aren’t hitting them hard enough? Better make absolutely sure!
Haha Karen Simpson.
I see a pathologist got a 5 star rating. The dead are so easy to please.
So true… Cuts to nursing pay and dispensing of blame from on high is the ONLY way to improve both patient satisfaction AND team morale.
(Sorry…. Didn’t mean to imply that doctors and nurses working closely together constitute a “team.” That would be unheard of!)
Christina Djabiras
This is so true. I work ER and the only way to improve scores is to have out unlimited supplies of narcotics.
This one really hits home.
Glad to help.
Calling Meagan! Hey! Thanks for saving the patient satisfaction scores!
Aw thanks Gomerblog! A moment of inspiration struck during hour 19 at work :-D
Start with the patients mind set when they arrive at the hospital. Some departments like ED and surgery start in the hole as compared to L and D where pts are generally happy coming in.
True story!
Surgery needs to step up. How about free tattoos and piercings while under anesthesia. These are painful procedures and no one should have to suffer. Hey, complimentary with any already scheduled procedure!
Extra: nursing staff use hospital administrator for pinata, find out there is no candy.
L&D is the Hilton!!
Labor and Delivery!!! Hahaha!
Where is the double like button
Those satisfaction scores are tool for CMS to steal money from hospitals.
Patient satisfaction scores are idiotic ways to evaluate hospitals. They are not Hilton’s And the people who actually do all the work at these hospitals no it. Not the idiots who run them
When did GomerBlog stop writing satire?
Hilarious “satire”, but oh so close to reality.
Connor Biskamp, is this a photo of you???
Bahahahahaaa!
Why does the term “Press Ganey Survey” immediately come to mind?
What is this supposed to be? I thought you guys only wrote satire?
Obviously, the ER staff rns were required to attend the remedial training while being encouraged not to clock in for it. Because that’s a thing too now.
L&D always has the lowest fall rate and usage of restraints.
Armc Nurses
So true!
That’s great!!!
Why dont they shadow for a day and see the other side…
Please, add some Ativan to that dispensary as well.
Please, add some Ativan to that dispensary as well.
I think that the vascular & orthopaedic services should offer hand / foot prints prior to amputation for the patient to take home as a keep sake. Also the L&D photographer could follow the patient to the OR where they could photograph the surgeon cuddling said amputated appendage.
I think that the vascular & orthopaedic services should offer hand / foot prints prior to amputation for the patient to take home as a keep sake. Also the L&D photographer could follow the patient to the OR where they could photograph the surgeon cuddling said amputated appendage.
Nail on the head. Closer to hopsital administration than some may think.
Nail on the head. Closer to hopsital administration than some may think.
This is great
This is great
MPie Jay
MPie Jay