LAS VEGAS — The Las Vegas Police Department has confirmed the shocking news that the West Nile Virus (WNV) has been brutally shot to death by the East Nile Virus in yet another horrifying episode of viral gang related activity. The crime appears to have been brazenly committed on the main Las Vegas strip in front of innumerable onlooking bachelorette parties.
“If you consider the security footage which captured a brief scuffle between WNV’s & ENV’s entourages in the convention hallway after the keynote speech had completed, it’s not hard to imagine how things further unraveled as all the viruses left the center in their respective vectors.”
CDC officials have descended upon Las Vegas to investigate the crime. As a result of this murder, infectious diseases experts have braced themselves for anticipated retaliatory bloodshed. There are rampant fears that violence may spill over into the bacterial, fungal and even parasitic communities.
“Many of us have seen the writing on the wall over the past several months regarding this developing east coast-west coast turf battle” continued Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram.
“There have been explosive rumblings that ENV had sexual relations with WNV’s longtime girlfriend HPV [Human Papilloma Virus]. That is what likely prompted WNV to release a dis track [“East Nile Virus Ain’t About DIS Life”] with inflammatory lyrics about the rival virus. It’s unfortunately not surprising that there has been this degree of escalation.”
Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram called for harmony and an end to virus-on-virus crime, before emotionally whispering a message directed at viral gang members: “Can’t the viruses all just get along?”