Dr. Fauci announces retirement from NIAID to become Major League Baseball Pitching Coach
Dr. Anthony Fauci, the esteemed director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, announced this morning that he will be stepping down...
Serious About Safety, “Operation Warp Speed” to Enroll 7.8 Billion People in Phase 1...
WASHINGTON, DC—Leaders of “Operation Warp Speed” (OWS), the government program tasked with developing a Covid-19 vaccine, insist that despite the name, their top priority...
The Joint Commission, Useless in the Time of COVID, to Mandate N95 Timers
The Joint Commission’s executive team, fresh off a socially-distanced golf retreat at Pebble Beach, reiterated its commitment to patient safety and unreimbursed hospital spending...
Report: Most People Will Survive Pandemic, But Their Livers Will Not
ATLANTA, GA—A new report released earlier this week by the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) contained both good and bad news. The...
DaVinci Announces Partnership with Hair Salons, Tattoo Parlors
US citizens, eager to have their economy open up, will soon have an exciting opportunity. Hair salons and tattoo parlors have struggled with how...
Conspiracy! Powerful Microscope Finds “Made in China” Imprinted on Virus
ATLANTA, GA—Staring for hours at the 500,000x-magnified image of the novel coronavirus under his electron microscope, Dr. Henry Thomson of the CDC just could...
Hypochondriasis Fibromyalgica
Are you feeling a constant itch in the back of your throat? Do you have a headache after binge watching TV or playing 3...
Frantic Mom Hires Exterminator to Rid Son’s Head of Lice
PRINCETON, NJ—A major outbreak of lice has struck a local preschool, leading one frantic mother to hire an exterminator to rid her son’s hair...
White House admin to decrease COVID by turning graph upside down
President Trump announced at a press conference yesterday that the White House would soon be advocating for a new approach to decreasing COVID 19...
SARSbola!!!!!!
Publicists for SARS-CoV-2 and Ebola have announced that the two highly sought after A-list viruses are now joining forces to become this year’s newest...