Thursday, October 1, 2020

Infectious Disease

vaccines

Serious About Safety, “Operation Warp Speed” to Enroll 7.8 Billion People in Phase 1...

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WASHINGTON, DC—Leaders of “Operation Warp Speed” (OWS), the government program tasked with developing a Covid-19 vaccine, insist that despite the name, their top priority is safety, not speed. As proof, they announced today that...

The Joint Commission, Useless in the Time of COVID, to Mandate N95 Timers

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The Joint Commission’s executive team, fresh off a socially-distanced golf retreat at Pebble Beach, reiterated its commitment to patient safety and unreimbursed hospital spending by instituting a new initiative. “Given the pervasive practice by...

Report: Most People Will Survive Pandemic, But Their Livers Will Not

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ATLANTA, GA—A new report released earlier this week by the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) contained both good and bad news. The good news is that, according to scientists’ calculations, the vast...

DaVinci Announces Partnership with Hair Salons, Tattoo Parlors

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US citizens, eager to have their economy open up, will soon have an exciting opportunity. Hair salons and tattoo parlors have struggled with how to maintain safe “social distancing,” Now, DaVinci robots will provide...

Conspiracy! Powerful Microscope Finds “Made in China” Imprinted on Virus

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ATLANTA, GA—Staring for hours at the 500,000x-magnified image of the novel coronavirus under his electron microscope, Dr. Henry Thomson of the CDC just could not believe his startling discovery: Imprinted at the base of...

Hypochondriasis Fibromyalgica

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Are you feeling a constant itch in the back of your throat? Do you have a headache after binge watching TV or playing 3 hours straight of Call of Duty? Are your joints stiff...
head lice

Frantic Mom Hires Exterminator to Rid Son’s Head of Lice

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PRINCETON, NJ—A major outbreak of lice has struck a local preschool, leading one frantic mother to hire an exterminator to rid her son’s hair of the icky bugs. “I do not play around,” said Mrs....

White House admin to decrease COVID by turning graph upside down

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President Trump announced at a press conference yesterday that the White House would soon be advocating for a new approach to decreasing COVID 19 cases in the U.S. “It has come to our attention that...

SARSbola!!!!!!

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Publicists for SARS-CoV-2 and Ebola have announced that the two highly sought after A-list viruses are now joining forces to become this year’s newest power couple. But that’s not even the biggest bombshell. That’s right:...

Breaking News: Scientists Almost Know What the ‘V’ in COVID Stands For

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TULSA, OK- In a major update in the race for a vaccine for COVID-19, we have learned of a promising development from the scientific research community. In what is being described as “groundbreaking”, just mere...
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