CDC Warning: Dangerous “Dry Humping” Bug Found in Lower U.S.

ATLANTA, GA – The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has identified a new insect vector that is rampantly spreading disease in the southern portions of the U.S.  The “dry humping” bug, a close cousin of the “kissing” bug, has been spotted in select areas of the lower continental United States and thought to originate in Texas.

The CDC has not yet labelled the bug infestation as an outright epidemic, but dozens of unsuspecting people have already been infected by the insects and there may be many more who are infected but asymptomatic.  To date, there have been no associated deaths but several patients have been admitted to intensive care units.

Dry humping bugs can be distinguished from kissing bugs by their appearance as well as behavior.  The dark brown insect is characterized by a small head (microcephaly), a congenitally absent left-wing, and a protuberant lower body.  Instead of biting human targets around the eyes and mouth like its counterpart, the dry humping bug uses a vigorous bumping and grinding motion with its nether region to infect hosts with its feces.

Dry humping bugs tend to target the human pubic regions and are rarely noticeable due to their small size, less than 1 centimeter on average.  Like its kissing cousin, the dry humping bug acts as a vector: it spreads disease by infecting hosts with a parasite, Teodorus cruzi, that resides in its feces.  This ruthless poop-loving parasite was first identified in Canadian cattle and eventually migrated to Texas where it has survived undetected until now.

T. cruzi is particularly insidious and can inflict damage immediately or lie dormant in the host and cause delayed symptoms of infection.  In male targets, if the infection is prolonged and untreated, sterility is an unfortunate complication.  In females, groin lymph node swelling/infection with associated pelvic inflammatory disease may occur.

The CDC has released warnings to residents of the southern states to keep vigilant watch of their nether regions for these oddly shaped, right-winged, bumping and grinding insects.  Any suspicious bug activity should be reported to local departments of health.