BOSTON, MA – In an update of their 2006 recommendation statement, the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force (USPSTF) now recommends against getting kicked, smacked, slapped, whacked, or punched in the balls repeatedly, regardless of age. This is a grade D recommendation (“D” as in “descended” testicles) and applies to men in the general U.S. population.
“Such measures neutralize a male, causing them to drop to the ground, cry, and question whether or not life is worth living,” said USPSTF member Nadia Cremasteric. “It took several years, but the evidence finally shows that there is really no benefit to males getting hit right in the junk.”
A recently published meta-analysis of 50,000 randomized controlled trials and 1 poor-quality observational study comparing testicular torture to placebo found that the former not only induced high levels of pain and sorrow, but also produced both a testiculosoprano reflex (TSR), whereby a male’s vocal pitch jumped a minimum of four octaves within a nanosecond, and testicular shock (TS), during which transient multiorgan failure including paralysis occurs.
“Even the thought of getting slapped there makes me nauseous,” said urologist Peter Phimosis, crossing his legs in a protective manner. He shudders briefly, then gags. “Would you excuse me a minute? Sorry, this is a very sensitive topic and area for me.”
The USPSTF made several other new recommendations as well. The USPSTF now recommends against crushing testicles in a vice, subjecting them to a high-velocity object like a baseball or frisbee, or getting them stuck in a zipper There’s Something About Mary-style (both are grade D recommendations). The USPSTF also states that the body of evidence is now sufficient to recommend both usual care and wearing a Kevlar cup to prevent the development of genital trauma (both are grade A recommendations; “A” as in “azoospermia”).
“Usual care is extremely vital,” said primary care physician Willie Torsion-Dix. “What is usual care? Talk to your genitalia lovingly and sing to them sweet nothings. Shower them with gifts, such as flowers, chocolate, and candy. Even consider putting your d**k in a box.”
Despite the USPSTF updates, it should be noted that the American Medical Women’s Association (AMWA) still strongly recommends kicking, smacking, slapping, punching, tasing, and karate-chopping men in the balls repeatedly. This recommendation is not so much made on evidence-based medicine; it is based on simple “sh*ts and giggles.”