1) So what specialty are you going into after residency?
Emergency medicine. How do you not get this? That’s why I’m here seeing you in the Emergency Department. You don’t see ortho down here diagnosing strokes do you? You damn sure don’t want nephrology reducing that colle’s fracture you just got. That’s why I’m here. I’m like a Swiss army knife – I’m what you take with you into the wilderness for when sh*t hits the fan.
2) I don’t understand what took so long to be seen.
That’s probably because your head is too far up your a** to look around and see the 70 people in the waiting room. Guess what? They all want to be seen too. Guess what else? Polls are in, and none of those 70 people think you’re more important than they are.
What’s that, you say? Your non-traumatic back pain has been bothering you for a month? So what you’re saying is your problem is so non-emergent that even you didn’t think you should be seen immediately? Get a PCP and go home or have a STEMI and stay. Those are your options.
3) When does a real doctor see me?
Real doctor? Oh, you mean the attending? Probably never. We’ll come up with a plan right after I leave this room, and you know what it’s looking like? A big fat “DISCHARGE.”
4) I’m not really a “medication person”
Then what are you here for? Did you want me to crush up mystical herbs and rub them over your cellulitis? Or maybe I could perform Reiki therapy or find you a spirit healer. News flash, moron, you’re at a hospital. We practice Western medicine. Do you know what happens to people who use nontraditional therapy for raging infections? They go to the morgue. Happy coffin shopping.
5) I’ve done a lot of reading on the internet and I disagree…
Oh good. I’m so glad to hear another informed opinion from an expert. I’ve only been in school for more years than you’re capable of counting. If I had known that $300,000 in debt could be replaced by a $60-a-month internet subscription and some savvy Google-ing, I probably could have saved myself a lot of time and money. You’ve made me re-think a lot of my life decisions.
6) Well, my friend is a nurse and she said I should…
Should what?! Get a STAT MRI for the arm pain you’ve been having for 3 years? See a neurologist because you have tingling in your arm after hitting your funny bone? Get an ortho consult for the neck pain you’ve been having because you changed pillows? Your friend sounds really knowledgeable. Maybe she should come take my job. There’s gonna be an opening soon if this keeps going…
7) You look too young to be a doctor.
Well, you look too old to be a patient. Here, sign this CMO form and lets both get on with the rest of our lives.
