BREAKING: U.S. Patient Tests Positive for COVID-19, SARS, MERS, Ebola, Bubonic Plague, Measles, Smallpox, Rabies, Influenza A…

ATLANTA, GA – In breaking news to Gomerblog, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention has identified a patient who has not only tested positive for COVID-19 but also severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS), Middle East respiratory syndrome (MERS), ebola, bubonic plague, measles, mumps, rubella, smallpox, influenza A, influenza B, typhoid, shigellosis, cholera, dengue fever, yellow fever, norovirus, rhinovirus, adenovirus, HIV, hepatitis A, hepatitis B, hepatitis C, Listeria, Q fever, rabies, tularemia, rabies again, parvovirus B19, croup, pertussis, West African trypanosomiasis, Chikungunya, malaria, leishmaniasis, brucellosis, Lyme disease, Japanese encephalitis, West Nile virus, giardiasis, amebiasis, leptospirosis, tuberculosis, both chickenpox and herpes zoster, histoplasmosis, UTI, endometritis, prostatitis, bacterial vaginosis, C. difficile, MRSA, VRE, and a viral URI. The patient was asymptomatic and had just recently returned from a 12-month excursion in which he or she visited every country in the world.

Allergic rhinitis remains in the differential.

“Well…” started Director of the CDC Robert R Redfield, trying to somehow put his thoughts into words, “that sucks.”