Jealous Influenza Wonders What It Has to Do to Get Some Damn Attention Around Here

Dear Gomerblog,

I’m an avid reader of your hilarious website, but lately I couldn’t help but notice that there are a ton of posts about that loser Coronavirus and none about me. I get it, he’s the new guy in town with the cool disease named after it—seriously, COVID-19 sounds so bad-ass compared to the boring ‘flu’—and everyone wants a piece of him.

But come on! What does an old virus like me have to do to get some love around here? Might I remind you that I’m the one who has unapologetically infected millions of people and killed tens of thousands of them THIS season alone? I’ve been knocking off people every damn year for thousands of years, and I continue to do so despite your futile attempts to stop me. Flu shots? They don’t scare me at all. Tamiflu? LOLOL!

The point is I infect and whack more people than this coronavirus even on my WORST year. And I’ll still be around long after the ‘rona disappears.

Maybe I’m just so lethal and devastating that you’re too cowardly to compose funny articles about me for fear it might offend your readers. Because, yeah, your readership is well-known for being ultra-sensitive. Gimme a break! I demand that you acknowledge my existence. I even came up with some fantastic headlines for you:

1. Local Man Becomes One Billionth Influenza “Customer,” Wins Free Trip to Morgue

2. This Year’s Flu Virus 80% Effective Against New Mutation of Flu Shot

3. Citing Decline in Business Due to Social Distancing, Dejected Flu Follows Lead of NBA and Cancels Its Season Too

I thought of those myself. You’re welcome. Anyway, I better see some changes around here. If not, my millions of friends and I might just have to do something drastic…Party like it’s 1918, anyone?

Forever and Ever Yours,

The Flu

Dear The Flu:

No, let’s NOT party like it’s 1918. Stop hanging onto the past. It’s been over a century since your heyday. It’s time to hang it up, go home, relax and have a Corona.

Catch you later (maybe),

GomerBlog