Despite being one of the most studied medications there has never been a range of placebos released onto the market. The newly launched Pharmaceutical company “Big Pharma” saw this gap and have developed a full range of placebos. From the small sized sugar coated range in 5 different colours right through to injectables, eye drops and the topical creams and ointment range called “Kiss it better”, Big Pharma’s placebos are taking the world by storm. The demand has been huge and Big Pharma have also developed a non-addictive range and placebos with less side effects.

“These drugs have been assessed and released onto the market in record time due to the huge number of scientific papers published in all disciplines of medicine” explains Dr Nocebo, clinical lead and head of marketing. “Placebos often work almost as well as the active drug, with the side-effect profile less than the active drug studied and they are far cheaper to produce” he added. “The FDA just rubber stamped them and we were all go, scaling up quantities to meet demand has been our biggest challenge”.

After developing the full range of prescriber only placebos Big Pharma have also released a full range of over the counter medications. “We feel that its important that patients develop self efficacy and are able to access these medications themselves. Of course, they’re slightly more expensive due to the easily understandable package inserts, more attractive packaging and retail staff training.” Specialist only placebos are also in the pipeline -“Doctors in all disciplines of medicine should have access to these life changing medications for their patients” said Dr Nocebo.

The branded placebo range has been so successful that Big Pharma is almost ready to launch a full range of generics and a homeopathy line

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing new research from the Pharmaceutical Research & Manufacturers of America (PhRMA) that indicates physicians prescribe drugs they learned about in medical school at a far higher rate than those they did not, Washington Medical School has announced its popular Pharmacology course will be immediately and permanently removed from its curriculum.

“The data is striking and indisputable,” said the embarrassed Dean of Students Priya Scryber. “It’s quite clear our former students were heavily influenced by our Pharmacology lectures. You’d think these brilliant young minds would be capable of thinking for themselves, but apparently they’re just blindly prescribing whichever medications they were lectured about in that class.

“How else do you explain,” Dr. Scryber continued, “why every single one of my former students always prescribes carbidopa/levodopa for Parkinson disease and thyroid hormone for hypothyroidism?”

Patients might expect their doctors to be free-thinking practitioners who wouldn’t necessarily always choose insulin for Type I Diabetes or albuterol for acute bronchospasm, but it’s very evident that Pharmacology professors’ aggressive drug education tactics, which include flashy PowerPoint slides and alluring graphs, have had a prolonged impact on students.

“Doctors should freely select the medication that’s most appropriate for their patients,” argues study author, Dr. Doug Pusher, “and not just pick the drug that was peddled to them by some pushy professor who was paid handsomely to describe it to them.”

Dr. Pusher believes that the main problem with large pharmacology courses is that they influence everyone to prescribe the same drugs, failing to take into account that the demographics of every medical office is different. “Drug education for physicians should be individualized,” recommended Dr. Pusher. “Maybe the best solution would be for pharmaceutical companies to send highly-trained representatives to teach doctors which exact medications would work best for their specific patient populations.

“Ideally,” he continued, “this could be done over dinner, or at a Broadway show, or during a baseball game, or even on an all-expenses-paid vacation to Hawaii.”

Dr. Pusher also believes it may be necessary to provide doctors with helpful reminders (perhaps with pens, mugs, or even cars with drug names printed on them) since “there are so many drugs these days and, really, who can remember them all?”

The authors next plan to examine whether popular reference materials, such as Epocrates, UpToDate, or the Pharmacopeia, influence which drugs doctors prescribe. If needed, they are more than ready to shut down these nuisances as well.

INTERCOURSE, PA—The great Beyoncé once never said, “If you didn’t want it, you shoulda put a ring in it.” As everyone surely doesn’t remember, the first “it” refers to a baby, the “ring” is an estrogen/progestin ring for birth control, and the second “it” is your girlfriend’s vagina. This motto, which local man, Todd Lurliss, lives by, essentially means that if you don’t want your babe to become your baby mama, you’d better place a hormone-releasing birth control ring in her vagina. However, as Mr. Lurliss quickly learned, drug rings can be very expensive, so much so he was forced to spend 3 months’ salary on one.

“Sure the price is steep, way more than I expected to spend,” said Mr. Lurliss, “but when you know the girl you’re sleeping with is The One…the one you don’t want to start a family with, you have to splurge on a ring.”

His girlfriend, Mary Peters, cheerfully accompanied him on the ring shopping excursion and even “tried on” some of the rings. They varied in color, comfort, contents and cleanliness—the 4 C’s of vaginal rings. Initially, they almost chose a very cheap one, but when the salesman pointed out that it scored very poorly in 3 of the 4 C’s (it was uncomfortable, filthy, and contained a fake form of estrogen, called cubic estrogenium), he knew he had to select a top-of-the-line, overpriced ring. After all, when you’re with the girl you know you want no future with, you can’t skimp on the ring.

The ring they ultimately selected was perfection in every category except for its hefty $900,000 price tag. (Mr. Lurliss declined to tell us what job pays him $300,000 monthly, but we’ll keep digging because, trust us, we wanna know too!) However, as the salesman, Bryce Gouger, PharmD, explained, “It’s basic supply and demand. There’s a shortage of vaginal rings and very, very high demand—seems like every guy wants one—so, of course the price is excessive and still rising.”

Ms. Peters now proudly “wears” the bling vaginal ring everyday. Naturally, her jealous friends wanted to hear the whole story of how he asked her to not carry his baby. “Well,” she excitedly said, “he just dropped to one knee and popped it right in!”

As for Mr. Lurliss, despite the extreme cost, he is rather pleased with his purchase. He doesn’t have to look far to see what might have happened had he not bought the ring. Through his walls at night, he hears the constant wails of a newborn, the byproduct of his neighbor being too stingy to buy his lady a vaginal ring. When Mr. Lurliss sees this fatigued, bitter neighbor, he just shrugs his shoulders, grins, and sings, “If you didn’t want it, you shoulda put a ring in it!”

BRAINTREE, MA—From antibiotics to analgesics and anesthetics to ACLS drugs, there is an underreported epidemic of drug shortages in America. With over 140 vital drugs currently in short supply, the health of patients is being adversely affected. While acknowledging this issue is real and serious, pharmacists today reassured a worried public that there’s one pharmaceutical product they’ll never run out of: GoLytely, everyone’s favorite bowel cleanser.

GoLytely, a polyethylene glycol solution that completely cleanses the colon of stool, is well

known for its, ahem, special smell and taste, and patients guzzle it several liters at a time. Most agree they’d have a strong reaction if GoLytely suddenly disappeared off of store shelves.

“Please don’t worry!” said Bradley Tice, President of the American Pharmacists Association. “While it’s true your doctor soon won’t be able to treat your infection, restart your heart or anesthetize you before surgery due to severe drug shortages, I can confidently tell you that you’ll always be able to prep for your colonoscopy.

“I know many of you were probably concerned you’d have to delay—or God forbid, cancel—the colonoscopy procedure you’ve eagerly been anticipating, but I can’t stress enough that there’s nothing to worry about. We have enough GoLytely solution to fill all of Earth’s oceans ten times over.”

Braintree Laboratories Inc, the maker of GoLytely, reiterated the same message. In a brief press release, the company stated: “There’s enough GoLytely for the entire world population—all 7.7 billion of us—to undergo colonoscopies every day for the rest of our lives. Rest assured, the planet will run out of water and oxygen before it runs out of GoLytely. One day soon, we hope, you may even have running GoLytely come out of your faucets at home!”

In fact, there is such a surplus of GoLytely that many believe the US Preventive Services Task Force’s (USPSTF) 2002 recommendation that everyone over the age of 50 get a screening colonoscopy was not based on any scientific evidence but rather that health officials “just didn’t know what the hell else to do with all this damn GoLytely.”

Regarding the concerning shortages of other essential medications, health officials stress that they are working on addressing the issue, though it may take some time. “It’s very possible,” said Surgeon General Jerome Adams, “we’ll have to delay treating your sepsis or life-threatening cardiac arrhythmia, but while you’re waiting, why not rule out colon cancer a few dozen times?”

So, don’t lose any sleep worrying about the availability of GoLytely; lose sleep because you just drank 2 liters of the solution and are spending all night getting to know the toilet. And don’t be surprised if the next USPSTF guidelines for colon cancer screening advise weekly colonoscopies for everyone aged 18 and older.

BLUNT, SD—An innovative physician fed up with patients who don’t take their medications as prescribed has successfully lobbied Congress and pharmaceutical companies to adopt his rock-solid plan to improve adherence: Get patients addicted to their vital life-saving drugs by adding illicit substances to their pills.

“For the longest time,” said Dr. Abbott Forman, the aforementioned physician credited with the idea, “I couldn’t figure out how to get my cardiac patients to take their medicine regularly. Then after seeing a few crack and heroin addicts in my practice, it suddenly hit me. Why don’t we add cocaine, marijuana, opiates, etc to their heart medications? Pretty quickly they’ll be addicted and won’t ever miss a dose of their essential medicine!”

“I’ve never been so excited to take my medicine,” said Ed Strauss, one of Dr. Forman’s patients. “I used to always forget to take my cholesterol pill, Zocor. Then Dr. Forman switched me over to Blowcor (cocaine-simvastatin). Now I can’t wait for my daily dose. And you wanna know a dirty little secret? Sometimes I take it 4 or even 5 times a day!”

Mr. Strauss then grabbed his thigh and screamed, “Ouch! Why do my muscles ache so bad? Eh, whatever, I’ll just take a little Grasspirin (cannabis-acetylsalicylic acid); that’ll take care of the pain and protect my heart at the same time. Boy, does it make me feel good too.”

Another amazing success story is that of Rachel Monroe, a 55-year-old with a slew of medical problems, including diabetes, CHF, COPD and GERD. Notoriously non-adherent to her medication regimen, her doctor recently changed her meds. Her medicine cabinet, which used to contain boring drugs, has been upgraded and spiced up, now boasting Meth-formin (metformin-methamphetamine), DigoxiContin (digoxin-oxycodone), Marlbuterol (Marlboro cigarette-albuterol), and Xantac (alprazolam-ranitidine). “My life has been a little up and down lately,” said Monroe, “but at least I don’t have to worry about forgetting my meds anymore.”

These habit-forming combination drugs are also ideal for fighting drug addiction. Anita Parker, for example, wanted her heroin addiction treated but always forgot to appear at her methadone clinic. Yet ever since the clinic began handing out a new, highly effective formulation called Crystal Meth-adone, she hasn’t missed a dose, hasn’t abused heroin and, oddly enough, hasn’t slept a wink.

Of course, Ms. Parker’s insomnia is troubling and is thought to be related to her sleep apnea, so Dr. Forman plans on changing her CPAP machine (which she never used) to a PCPAP machine, which periodically delivers doses of PCP to the CPAP user.

Despite promising results, some misguided critics of these new drugs worry that users will become dependent on the habit-forming substances. In response, Merck has released a new ad for Blowcor, in which it asserts that taking Blowcor is considerably better than being non-compliant and taking no statin at all. It ends with the tagline: “Take a statin laced with crack. It’s better than having a heart attack.”

UPDATE: Regarding the slogan, it was pointed out that cocaine itself can cause MIs. As a result, Merck has pulled Blowcor off the shelves, which has led to stock in Pfizer going up 500% as its LiPotOr (atorvastatin-cannabis) is now set to take over the statin market. But there’s no word yet if Novartis plans to follow Merck’s lead and pull their cocaine-statin combo pill, Snowcor.

In the era of Press-Ganey scores, most physicians have finally accepted that they are essentially waiters whose job is to serve the every whim of their patients/customers. Accordingly, every good physician should be dispensing medications to suit their patients’ individual fancies regardless of actual medical indication. This often includes prescribing opiate painkillers for chronic musculoskeletal pain or wantonly dispensing antibiotics for what is clearly and demonstrably a viral upper respiratory infection.

But what about the patient with both chronic lower back pain and cold-like symptoms? Until now, these patients have been condemned to wait for two separate medications to be ordered and administered, potentially delaying their instant gratification by precious seconds, or even minutes! But no longer!

As of today, the FDA has approved the new groundbreaking opiate and antibiotic combo: Dilaudicillin . With the addictive and habit-forming properties of an opiate painkiller and the unnecessarily broad-spectrum coverage of a beta-lactam antibiotic, this new wonder drug has patients raving.

“It’s truly amazing,” said satisfied patient/customer Shirley Gaines. “I used to have to fill one Oxycontin prescription for my knee pain and another separate Azithromycin prescription for my runny nose, but with Dilaudicillin, I can treat all of my problems with one script.”

“It’s nice to finally have my concerns taken seriously,” said Bryan Smithers, who frequently visits his local ER for ‘multiple complaints.’ “I don’t want to be told that my back pain will get better with physical therapy or that my cold will resolve on it’s own; I want Dilaudicillin!”

“Sure. Whatever,” said primary care physician Dr. Lewis Spiegel when asked about the efficacy of Dilaudicllin. “I guess we just give the patients whatever they want now. Maybe we should add in a benzodiazepine to the Dilaudicillin?”

Pharmaceutical companies quickly took note of this excellent suggestion to improve patient-centered care.

At press time, several more satisfied patients were unable to provide comments due to a combination of apnea and diarrhea.

A single, sad Staph Aureus bacterium has been shunned from its colony for still being sensitive to methicillin in the year 2019.

“Apparently it didn’t get the memo,” said the leader of the colony. “This community of bacteria has been exclusively methicillin-resistant since as far back as 1994. If that wimp can’t handle a little methicillin, then it ain’t one of us.”

Most of the single-celled organisms in this colony suggested that they would perhaps be more tolerant of it “if this was the year 1974,” but in 2019, they insisted that there’s simply no excuse for still being susceptible to a “weak-ass antibiotic that’s been off the market for decades.”

To put it in terms humans could better understand, the colony leader said, “Let’s say there was someone in your community who wasn’t vaccinated against the measles virus. If it was 1955, that may be acceptable. But in 2019, those people are rightly shunned by their community.”

Another member of the colony reasoned, “Look we’re all busy here trying to infect a gnarly-looking wound on an old woman’s foot. We have no time to coach it on how to beat methicillin. That’s something it should have learned in freaking kindergarten!”

Other MRSA colony members were even ruder to the poor MSSA bacterium. One threatened to pour methicillin on it, saying “there’ll be a killin’ by methicillin here if you don’t scram!” Another harshly suggested that it’s not cut out to be a Staph Aureus: “You should’ve been a Lactobacillus—those wimps are friendly to humans. Pathetic species they are.”

But perhaps the meanest act performed by the MRSA colony was hosting a summer pool party for the entire colony, and the MSSA bacterium was actually invited. Excitedly, it RSVP’ed yes and came to the party only to find out that the pool was filled with liquid methicillin.

Update: Just prior to press time, reports indicated that the colony was attacked by a forceful wave of Vancomycin. It appears that the entire colony has been wiped out; that is, except for one single, now happy bacterium—the methicillin-sensitive one. Said the lucky bacterium excitedly, “Haha, suckers! Look who’s laughing now. It’s 2019 morons! No one uses methicillin anymore—it’s way more important to be resistant to Vancomycin, like yours truly!”

TWISP, WA – The US Food and Drug Administration today approved Peaceaudi (Idongivafumab) injection for intravenous use for the treatment of medical burnout.

“Medical burnout is a serious condition, which affects thousands of doctors across the country. The effects of burnout have untold consequences, and could significantly shorten the careers of physicians if untreated,” said Arnold J. Palmer, MD, assistant to the regional manager for drug development of the FDA.

“This announcement marks the first time a drug has been specifically approved to treat medical burnout. Idongivafumab’s unique ability to target and inhibit C-suite peptides, as well the entire electronic health record (EHR) cascade, represents a quantum leap in burnout science. Clinical test subjects also noted a marked decrease in symptoms of Entitled Patient Pruritis (EPP) during the course of treatment. 87% percent of those treated stated they felt ready to type at a keyboard with their back to the patient, and feelings of the need to apply to law school, write a novel, or sell crafts on Etsy, fell by a whopping 98%. This drug may truly revolutionize health care.”

Due to molecular instability, Idongivafumab can only be administered as a continuous infusion in locales of extreme tranquility. As of press time, the only locations certified to be sufficiently tranquil for use of Idongivafumab were in Tahiti, the Maldives, or the Deplar Farm Hotel in Iceland.

After a two-week treatment course, subjects reported positive effects lasting at least 3 weeks, and even up to 6 weeks. A repeat treatment course was required in 24% of tests subjects. With a typical cost of treatment estimated to cost $212,000, the makers of Idongivafumab are working to ensure that this new treatment will be covered by all major insurance carriers.

In honor of recent supply chain deficiencies, FDA recalls, as well as loss of manufacturing capabilities from recent environmental disasters in Puerto Rico and the Gulf Coast, St. Ann’s Lying-In Hospital and Orphanarium has been renamed “Our Lady of Perpetual Shortage.”

“We feel that this name change better actualizes the current reality of medicine, synergizing the relationship between the hospital, administrators, and supply vendors,” said hospital CEO Reid Roberts, simultaneously winning Corporate Buzzword Bingo and ignoring doctors and patients.

Reactions from patients and doctors was mixed.

“Shortages? In my hospital? I couldn’t tell. Every time I go, my doctor might switch my meds around, but they’re always there in the pharmacy for me,” said average patient Maverick Mitchell, 68, with his CHF, hypertension, diabetes, and atrial fibrillation, all managed on multiple medications.

Dr. Sam Cassandra concurred with Mr. Mitchell.

“Of course patients can’t tell! We’re professionals! We’re always chasing the next shortage, substituting whatever we’re out of now with whatever we currently stock. There isn’t a day I can just put it on auto-pilot; sometimes, it’s propofol, one month it was breathing tubes; another, it’s beta-blockers, nitrates, and narcotics,” said Dr. Cassandra.

“At least now, when it finally comes to a head and we’re out of critical supplies, we can point to the marquee and say ‘Our Lady’ and not ‘Blame Anesthesia.’”

Nationwide drug shortages have forced physicians to consider alternative ways to take care of patients. At the forefront of this movement is the National Organization of Medically Equivalent Drug Seekers (NOMEDS), a pharmacist run think tank that leads the charge in giving physicians options for patient treatment.

NOMEDS President, P. In Discup Pharm. D., has spearheaded a program where OR pharmacies will partner with motivational speakers to provide a healthy alternative to hard to obtain medications such as opioids and local anesthetics. Dr. Discup said, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about, there are tons of internet videos that show properly motivated people doing amazing things. I don’t see why doctors can’t use the power of the mind to get patients through 17 hour orthopedic spine cases.”

Anesthesia resident, Bis M. Onitor, D.O., weighed in, “I was pretty surprised when my issued narc bag contained 100 micrograms of fentanyl and 36 index cards with affirmations printed on them for a CABG case. It was really hard to concentrate on those positive messages with all of the screaming coming from the other side of the drapes, but I’m a force for positive change and I can do anything I set my mind to!”

Neuro Anesthesiologist, Remy Phentanyl, M.D., has been pleasantly surprised with the new program. “Man, I thought doing an awake fiberoptic on a patient with an unstable C-spine with only 1cc of 1% lidocaine was going to be impossible. One look at that cat poster telling me to ‘Hang in There’ was all I needed to get that tube in!”