SACRAMENTO, CA – The controversial bill which aims to protect new interns from being exploited by hospital staff was signed into law by Governor Monee Grab last Tuesday. However, the backlash of this well-intentioned bill is only now coming to fruition.

Leaders of the Society of Nursing in Academic Centers of Excellence, or SNAKE, are outraged at the ramifications of the bill. Vera Pretentiss LPN.BSN.RN.PhN, president of SNAKE, had this to say, “I can say for all of the members of SNAKE that there are very few aspects of our jobs that we find rewarding. Unfortunately, with this proposal, a nurse’s right to torture new interns to death is being threatened. Nurses will not stand seeing the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed intern become labeled as a threatened animal with restricted hunting rights.”

Weeramia Orders, a 2016 BSN graduate but already master Pintrista has concerns that the current medical system will be unsustainable if this bill is enacted.

“If interns won’t be expected to go back and add orders for medications given into the EMR following a code, or reenter orders for bloodwork that clotted off, who will? I can’t be expected to ask a real person to do that. That’s the whole reason there are interns, right? Someone needs to notice the patient is hypotensive when I’m looking at purses online.”

The bill is being further scrutinized following the news that Grab’s heartwarming story about his mother being cared for in the hospital and the female intern who was duped by her nurse into thinking that she was responsible for all patient turns and lifts was a hoax, and that the bill is really just a moneymaking opportunity for the state. When asked for comment Grab stated, “Big game licenses generate big money. And besides, I would never realize that a woman was a physician.”

Newly-graduated MDs were contacted for comment, but declined citing enjoying their last days of freedom.

BOSTON, MA – Hospital administrators nationwide are hailing a successful new effort described as “downright brilliant” to help curb hospital mortality by eliminating July from the calendar.

“Our new initiative is the culmination of a 10-year research project looking at new medical interns and residents who start working in teaching hospitals in July,” says Dr. Walter H. Oscar, CEO of the Doctors University Hospital (DUH).  “We looked at month-by-month hospital complication rates, and our results were consistent: July is when everything hits the fan.”

The director of quality and safety at DUH, Dr. Vincent Mario, has told GomerBlog, “One July, we had a patient whose internal jugular central line ended up in the stomach, a patient who got healthcare-associated anemia from blood draws that had mistakenly been ordered q1h, a patient who received a biliary stent that ended up in the leg, a patient who got Visine instead of vancomycin to treat his sepsis, and a patient who accidentally had all of his home medications ordered per rectum—all in the same day.  It was July 1.  And it was a harbinger of things to come.”

“At that point, the solution was obvious,” Dr. Mario stated.

This year, DUH eliminated July from the calendar altogether.  The results of the project have been astounding.  In 30-day follow-up, the hospital’s mortality rate was down a full 3,000%.  The hospital has seen virtual elimination of its most severe complications.

The benefits of the initiative have extended to other areas besides patient care. One spokesman for the laundry staff said, “We’re the guys who wash scrubs after call nights and, well, let’s just say we’ve noticed the scrubs are less stained in the seats since we got rid of July.”  The hospital cafeteria has noticed a surplus of food thanks to the curtailing of July stress eating.

Dr. Barry Pepper, CEO of a large private hospital system in direct competition with DUH, says, “We are just flabbergasted.  We were neck-and-neck with DUH in all areas of quality.  We were giving them a run for the money in achieving patient-friendly, baby-friendly, and drugseeker-friendly status.  We were close to achieving Magnet designation.  But then DUH achieved July-free status, and it just blew us out of the water.  How do you compete with that?”

CHICAGO, IL – New medical Intern, Dr. Alexa Friedrich, disappeared after presenting a patient to her attending physician.  She has been desperately trying to impress her attending.  The group thought it was odd she was away for so long but when she finally returned she was holding a cup of yellow urine.  This odd gift to her attending caused the group of residents and medical students rounding to experience a long awkward silence.

“Here you go,” she said.  Sources involved in the matter stated that the attending physician took the urine and then asked, “What is this for?”  In a classic case of misunderstanding, followed by extreme embarrassment she responded, “Dr. Wendt, you asked for my urinalysis.”

“Dr. Friedrich, I would like your analysis [on this patient] when we are done rounding.”

The Joint Commission will be adding “analysis” and “urinalysis” to the long list of common look a like sound a like terms, right next to “Uranus” and “Your anus” which a medical student mixed up on his SOAP note last month and almost led to a cosmic disaster.