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Going forward, I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this cost-saving and value-added covenant:

Ihospital administrator golfing am an agent of change and will under-appreciate the hard-won scientific gains of those providers in whose steps I walk, and gladly reward such knowledge with overburden, understaffing, and unattainable incentive programs.

I will be a visionary and give 110% 24/7 during this perfect storm and apply, for the benefit of the bottom line, all data-driven measures which are required, avoiding those twin traps of compassion and common sense.

I will architect a robust, game-changing integrated and user-friendly approach.

I will manage expectations and remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, ignore them all equally, and that the 4 P’s – prosperity, power, paperwork, and protocols – may outweigh the surgeon’s knife or chemist’s drug.

Synergy.

I will not be ashamed to say “It’s a paradigm shift” or “It’s a win-win” or “I’m a team player” or “Deal with it” or “This is where the rubber meets the road” or “Let’s circle back to that” or “There’s some low-hanging fruit” or “I may sound like a broken record” or “My door is always open” or “Let’s address the elephant in the room,” nor will I fail to call in my colleagues when the skills of another are needed to deflect the honest questions or grumblings of those who work for me.

I will respect the privacy of the budget this fiscal year, for their values are not disclosed to me that the world may know.  Most especially must I tread with care in matters of debt and employment.  If it is given to me save a buck, all thanks.  But it may also be within my power to take a job; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great arrogance and awareness of my own superiority.  Above all, I must not play at Todd, the Chief Financial Officer (CFO).

At the end of the day, I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart or a cancerous growth; the providers do.  Today, more than ever, my responsibility includes thinking outside the box, pushing the envelope, taking it to the next level, maximizing leverage, and putting a stake in the ground, if I am to care adequately for the sick.

Transparency.

As an industry leader, I will raise the bar whenever I can, for raising the bar is preferable to dropping the ball.  I will bring my A game.

As I step up to the plate, I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to my fellow human beings, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm.

J/K.

If I do not violate this faster, cheaper, and better oath, may I enjoy golf and cigars, respected while I live posh and remembered with a commemorative plaque or statue thereafter.  May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of my strategic and seamlessly integrated calling and may I long experience the joy of downsizing those who seek my help.

Now, let’s hit the ground running.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.