173.0K Shares

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A new medication that has been deliberately named to be a classic look-alike sound-alike drug, has been welcomed with arms wide open among emergency medicine physicians and nurses.

A worker harvesting Dilaumed
A worker harvesting Dilaumed

“We typically have to double-check medications that are look-alike sound-a-likes and sometimes call the ordering physician to confirm,” said nurse Angelica Sooners.  “It can be a real pain, but with this new medication we couldn’t be more excited.”

The medication that is injecting excitement into healthcare providers everywhere is a “glucose-elevating” medication named Dilaumed (glucose d-glucose dextrose C6H12O6).

Named by combining the ancient Persian name for sugar dilaum with the word medication, Dilaumed can be given orally (PO) or intravenously (IV).  Many providers are already asking for a rectal version (PR).  The makers have not responded when a release date is scheduled, but have stated a PR version is in “in the works.”

When the makers submitted a statement indicating the fact that many patients’ pain can be attributed to an “imbalance” in their blood sugar levels, the Food & Drug Administration (FDA) was willing to approve a trial for pain control.

We are losing the battle on pain control in the United States,” a representative from the FDA said.  “We are willing to utilize any safe alternatives to opioids.”

For the first time ever, Dr. Henry Riechart, a local EM physician, is excited to give the drug that starts with a “D.”  “Patients will come to us in a fibro storm demanding that drug that starts with a ‘D.’  ‘Dil…Dlia…’  I’ll interrupt and ask Dilaumed?  They’ll say with excitement, ‘Yeah, that’s it!’  It’s perfect.”

Dilaumed XR, an extended release medication, contains another pain reliever, acetaminophen.  Dr. Riechart states he has been seeing less overdoses with Dliaumed and patients are excited they get the medication they came in by ambulance for, without any arguments.

The drug makers have suggested that IV Dilaumed be stored in a locked box – which 2 people with keys have to turn simultaneously, directly in front of the patient – for maximum results.  The initial studies show that talking about other patients that have been denied Dilaumed because of drug-seeking in front of the patient receiving treatment, will also help increase results.

“This glucose-altering medication has really helped a lot of people that were in 10/10 pain,” nurse Shannon Myers, a floor nurse, told reporters.  “I have suggested it for the patient that was sleeping, eating their lunch, or playing Candy Crush on their iPad; just for these patients complaining of the worst pain of their life.”

High-fives are happening across ERs everywhere.

The initial reaction from patients has been relatively positive.  Janet Kimbles, who wears over 17 lbs of rings on her hands, stated that she would usually get laughed out of the ER, but recently has been getting the pain medication that “works for her.”  She tells us, “I don’t know what happened but I finally feel like my pain is under control these days.  I come into the ER and everyone is so excited to give me my pain medication.  Somebody finally had some customer service training.”

Authors of the initial study state,”Dilaumed is slightly better than placebo medication” (60% vs 63% +/- 3%); but compared to placebo, patient satisfaction scores are through the roof.

Photo by lugaye27ok.

173.0K Shares

Tags:

  • Show Comments

  • Lazy Kitten

    I take Dilaudid cause it’s the only thing that helps me for my migraines but this article is funny. Some of the comments are funny people think its real

  • Lazy Kitten

    I take Dilaudid cause it’s the only thing that helps me for my migraines but this article is funny.
    . Some of the comments are funny people think its real

  • errn4christ

    You do realize this is SATIRE, right?

  • Waxmuseummeltdown

    Honestly I don’t see how they can get away with this for long. Prescribing a similar sounding medicine is going to cause all sorts of mix up problems, PARTICUARLY at pharmacies. The safety of this drug is extremely questionable and yet the FDA seems to not crack down on this, but they will crack down on herbs that help. Its the pharm industrys profit. Unbelievable. Boycott this medication.

  • Cait

    the thing is people with real pain do die from overdoses too. Who is liable for that – medical providers. And truth is people doctor shop and go to multiple. If it wasn’t really happening we wouldn’t be so cautious. I had a patient with a fracture in the ed. I think the parent was actually using he kid for narcotics. Story wasn’t making sense. Called an urgent care they said they went to. they got 30 pills of narcotics the day before. Booted them out with nothing. I don’t think I was wrong. Several lied to me about stimulants. If they come in lying. If I catch anyone in a lie asking for a controlled substance … tough luck. I’m not saying all people who need narcotics are liers, I’m just saying there is a reason why providers are so cautious about giving out medications. I think the best place to get medications for pain is a pain specialist and with a contract.

  • Guest999

    healthcare providers have to make RETARDED decisions because they deal with RETARDED patients, i.e. not being able to READ a top of an article that clearly states its satire

  • Prospero Gogo

    Dolobid unfortunately is a real medication (NSAID) which can be mistaken for the D narc if said quickly. The lore is that it has been used in such a manner.

  • dredzo

    What scares me is all the positive votes for these oblivious posts, meaning there are many more than just those who post.

  • turnsignal2000

    Lighten up Francis

  • Aesop

    Of course, they’re only releasing Diluamed now, because the patent pricing is about to expire on the usual standby, Nor-Malsaline.

  • Useful_Idiot

    Lmao, I did not realize this until I realized what site I was on. Was reposted on facebook and apparently the person didn’t realize it either.

    Honestly though something like this wouldn’t surprise me, there are so many RETARDED decisions being made by healthcare providers that this story seemed real to me at first.

    Good laughs though.

  • Shane McJunkins

    You realize this is a fake article on a satire website, right?

  • Jess

    You realize this is satirical, right?

  • laylaRN

    For those of you posting your outraged responses about doctors ignoring your very real pain instead of giving you the dilaudid you requested…please sober up enough to realize that you are reading a fake news article on a satirical blog site.

  • Camberley Kollhoff-Sheffield

    Yeah, that’s great. Let’s trick those of us with ACTUAL pain from different disorders and diseases because ER doctors don’t want to deal with us. Our health care system is so messed up. 99.9% of the so-called doctors don’t give a shit about the people that come in unless they’re missing an extremity. Some of us are in actual pain and you don’t have to be screaming at the top of your lungs to be legit. I hide my pain extremely well because I deal with it daily; that doesn’t mean I should be given a placebo. Too bad for these idiots, most of us are at doctors so often we know that the real name is dilaudid.

  • Useful_Idiot

    What the hell? Yeah what a great idea, replace ~real~ pain meds with a brand-name SUGAR PILL as a way to get patients off your back. That does about as much good as being prescribed a glass of water.

    It’s great for all those doctors out there whose priorities are payment and covering their asses rather than their patients well-being. I personally have 2 fractured vertebrae in my spine from being crushed by a truck and am in pain quite often, however I don’t even attempt to see a doctor to help me out because nowadays every single doctor is too scared/unwilling to write a prescription for someone in legitimate pain.

    Lastly, this pill does NOTHING to help curb the misuse of opioids, which is clearly the goal of the manufacturer. It’s nothing but a sorry excuse for a doctor to turn away their patients when they are in need of real help.

  • Hippocrates

    The picture of the harvest process is what makes this article so eloquent–I mean you could write an article just on the procurement and top secret manufacturing process of hydromofo. That’s the generic name for Dilaumed, or course.

  • Sam Burns

    Brilliant

  • Ivadell Palko

    If I could like this a thousand timed I would.

  • Gomerblog

    We were excited to break the news!

  • Peggy McGuigan Sisk

    Very Interesting..

  • Marilyn Understock

    It’s about time.

  • Rilli Tho

    Was once given Ativan instead of Atavax in a hospital.

  • Kari Eischens

    This makes me giggle.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

173.0K Shares