MAYWOOD, IL – Citing concerns about his crushing debt, local 3rd-year med student Aaron Ferguson reports that he is “terrified” he will enjoy his family medicine rotation.  “It sounds pretty good,” admitted a cautiously optimistic Ferguson.  “You get to do a little bit of everything: pediatrics, geriatrics, obstetrics.  The only thing you can’t do as a family doctor is pay back $300,000 in loans.”

Studies show Ferguson isn’t the only med student struggling with an unfortunate desire to be a family physician.  A study out of Stanford reports that 85% of medical students with 6-figure debt suffer night terrors brought on by an unwavering love for family medicine and pediatrics.

“It’s disconcerting to say the least,” reports lead author and psychologist Lester Flanks.  “One young med student keeps having a recurring dream in which she successfully counsels a patient to stop smoking.  Unfortunately, she has a net worth of minus $315,873.  It’s heartbreaking.”

The American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP) is urging students with overwhelming debt to “take it easy” on their family medicine rotations so as to avoid experiencing too much enjoyment.  Furthermore, the AAFP recommends indebted med students act aloof, show up late, and avoid asking residents if there is anything more they can do.  By following these guidelines, med students with astronomical loans can develop the right mindset for higher-paying specialties like ophthalmology and dermatology.

At press time, Ferguson was reportedly seen shaking his head in dismay after receiving a hug from a grateful elderly patient.

WASHINGTON, DC – Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price was pleased to announce this week that 58-year-old internist Dale Mitchell has been awarded the 2017 FAFSA Memorial Perseverance Award for successfully paying off his student loans.

“Frankly, we didn’t think it was possible,” stated Price while sifting through his enormous database of student loans.  “Not only did Dr. Mitchell completely pay off his loans, but he did it in only 30 years, much faster than the Pay-Til-Your-Dead repayment plan the majority of physicians are on.”

The award ceremony was held in a beautiful medical school financial aid office, decorated with public computers displaying the FAFSA website and Excel spreadsheets.  In addition to a trophy, Mitchell was awarded a special “Forebearance Package” which includes a pen, a stack of Post-it notes, and $300,000 worth of low-interest student loans for his children.

The golden trophy is adorned with Mitchell’s FAFSA pin number, the interest rates of his Stafford loans over the years, and a beautiful inscription featuring highlights from his very first promissory note.

“I can’t describe how excited I am to win this prestigious award,” announced Mitchell.  “My student loans have always been in my life.  They were like family members… Horrible, soul-destroying family members.”