The devil is in the details and, for patients and family members, those details can be hard to squeeze out of those shifty doctors as they Houdini in and out of your room. Often times, people are told that their loved one is “doing well, no new updates.” While no news can be good news, how do these doctors define “well?”
It turns out that it greatly depends on your physician’s specialty. This list serves as a guide for patients and their families to better determine what “well” means and get a better sense of how low their doc’s bar has sunk. Hopefully, this will improve patient-doctor communications as well as Press Ganey scores.
Anesthesiology
You didn’t die during surgery, congrats!
Cardiology
We already did the cath, what else is there to talk about?
Cardiothoracic Surgery
Just kidding, they’re not doing well at all.
Emergency Medicine
If we’re giving this kind of update that means that you’ve been down here too long and you need to either die, get admitted, or go home, like 20 minutes ago.
General Surgery
Waiting on you to eat and poop more so you can go home or so help us we’ll lap you again!
GI
Solids in and solids out are proportionate and all orifices have been sufficiently scoped.
Internal Medicine
Yo, we just made your inpatient problems, outpatient problems (drops clipboard).
Infectious Disease
Your rip-roaring infection is actually susceptible to antibiotics which we recommended in our note. We are going to go away now.
MICU
See cardiothoracic surgery above.
Neurosurgery
While pinching Grandma’s pectoralis muscle, she grabbed our hand, showing that there is more going on than just brainstem reflexes. Happy Monday!
Neurology
Aspirin levels are optimal.
Nursing
No poo was flung, call buttons weren’t pressed every 15 minutes, and their IV is flowing without kinks or air bubbles. Dilaudid dispensing was minimal.
OB/GYN
The baby is out, your rectum and vagina remain two separate entities and you’re not exsanguinating from either.
Oncology
Hey, we’re all dying of something but you know what? You’re doing normal human things and will continue to do so for a while yet and that makes us happy.
Orthopedic Surgery
Your post-op films look @#$*ing awesome, bruh.
Pediatrics
Following growth chart, immunizations up to date, car seat fits well, appetite is good, developing within range, all other checkboxes satisfactory…
Psychiatry
You’re probably not going to kill yourself or anyone else.
Respiratory Therapists
Sputum production is decreasing after blowing out a huge loogie.
Urology
Things look good… Whoops I mean things were hard but they’re looking up… No no no just stay hydrated you’re fine.
