Sharapova Returns with Shriek So Strong Her Own Ear Bleeds

FLUSHING, NY – In the fourth game of the third set, Sharapova unleashed a powerful forehand winner with a shriek so piercing it caused otic hemorrhage for everyone in attendance at Arthur Ashe Stadium.  Even Sharapova was unable to tolerate the blast wave of her own scream, her left ear drum exploding, blood flowing out her ear canal, down her face, arm, and clothing.  Play was momentarily halted while ball boys and ball girls gowned up and toweled down the puddles by the service line.  In one spine-chilling screech, the five-time Grand Slam winner told the world that she was back and louder than ever.  Ticket holders for Sharapova’s next-round match have been instructed to bring both their tickets and noise-cancellation headphones.  U.S. Open officials are also taking appropriate precautions by bolstering ENT staff and stocking up on 4″ x 4″ gauze.  Her post-match hemoglobin was 7.1.