Tuesday, July 7, 2020

News-in-Brief

Short Articles for Your Short Attention Span

Ensure Keg

In Response to High Demand, Ensure Now Available in Keg Form

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LAKE BLUFF, IL - You spoke and they listened: Abbott Laboratories, maker of nutritional supplements, has announced that their product Ensure is now available in a 15.5 gallon keg form. “Ensure consumers are a loyal...
woman gives up facebook

Breaking: Facebook Placed on Pressors to Fix Plummeting Stocks

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MENLO PARK, CA - With its stock value plummeting precipitously in the past 48 hours, Facebook has been started on pressors with lactated ringers running wide open. “The drop is significant and Facebook is showing...

Medical Subspecialty Headlines Show Captivation with Thai Soccer Team Rescue

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Everyone has been captivated and relieved with the unbelievable rescue of a Thai soccer team through the heroic efforts of the Thai Navy SEAL team and volunteers.  The Gomerblog team scoured the medical news...

Breaking: Scott Pruitt Leaves EPA to Join Hospital Ethics Committee

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Donald J. Trump announced over Twitter this afternoon that Scott Pruitt will be leaving his leadership role as Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) for a job that better...

Breaking: 1 in 500 Can’t Smell What The Rock is Cooking

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HAYWARD, CA - The Rock says it all the time: "Can YA SMELL-LALALALALALALLALALA-OWWWWWW what The Rock…. is cooking?!"  But can everyone smell what The Rock is cooking?  It turns out roughly 1 in 500...
curves Frank Starling

ACC/AHA: Check Out the Curves on Dr. Frank, Dr. Starling!!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - The American College of Cardiology (ACC) & American Heart Association (AHA) have issued a joint statement, telling people to look over there and check out the bodacious curves on Dr. Frank...
bald eagle wig

Alopecia Fail: Embarrassed Bald Eagle Clearly Wearing a Wig

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ANCHORAGE, AK - Still not over the frustrating failure with Rogaine (minoxidil) in October 2017, our nation's symbol was spotted clearly wearing a wig in a weak attempt to his hide his alopecia and...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

CDC Director Resigns, Becomes CEO of Tobacco Giant Philip Morris

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ATLANTA, GA - The Director of the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) Brenda Fitzgerald has officially resigned her CDC post to become CEO of tobacco and cigarette-manufacturing company Philip Morris International, Inc.  This takes place less than...

‘This 1500-Calorie Diabetic Renal Diet is Delicious!’ Said No One in the History of...

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COAST-TO-COAST, AMERICA - "Well, I'll be damned!  This low-fat, low-sodium, low-cholesterol, low-potassium, 1500-calorie, diabetic, and renal diet is absolutely delicious!" said no hospitalized patient ever in the history of health care. None of these patients, whether...
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