SPOKANE, WA – As the measles epidemic grows across Washington state and several other states in the US, free “thinking” anti-vaccination parents find their views and lack of intellect challenged. They worry that despite their efforts, their kids may actually survive into adulthood!

“These vaccinated kids are everywhere. At the parks, in the schools, even in the aisles of Whole Foods!!” lamented anti-vaccination advocate, mother, essential oils sales guru and almost high-school graduate Toomani Hashtagues. 

“I just worry about how to keep my kids safe around the vaccinators. I don’t want my kids to potentially catch any antibodies or logic from them and bring that crap home! Imagine if I got infected with antibodies or logic!!” Ms. Hashtagues continued. 

After some extensive internet/Pinterest/facebook “research,” Hashtagues believes she has developed a foolproof system to keep her kids safe around immunized children. 

“Every day, I feed them an organic breakfast of vegetables I canned myself with an extra sprinkle of Thieves oil. Then I coat them head to toe in Lavendar oil to help protect their fragile chakras. I wash all of their clothes in hemp based laundry detergent and finally I give them a full gram of turmeric at bedtime for each vaccinated kid they were exposed too.”

Hashtagues is convinced that her proprietary regimen of bullshit and voodoo is the only thing preventing her kids from having functional immunity to measles and dozens of other preventable diseases. 

“It is my right as an uneducated bimbo to decide which preventable diseases my kids will eventually die from.”

Unbeknownst to Ms. Hashtagues, her ex-husband has been vaccinating their children on his custody weekends since they were born, working diligently against their mother’s efforts to kill them. 

CLEVELAND, OH – An angry mob of medical students tore down a statue of Andrew Wakefield in front of the Cleveland Clinic Saturday.  This anti-vax champion was best known for a falsified study linking the MMR vaccine to autism, and later a movie claiming the same.  Cleveland Clinic has been a vocal critic of vaccines despite all of the evidence.

As the mighty statue was brought down chants of “Your lies can no longer kill our children!” and “Down with pseudoscience!” even broke out in song: “You take the good, you take the bad, the vax of life, the vax of life!”

An anonymous medical student told reporters, “We were tired of the lies of the anti-vax movement and the rise of measles in America!”

The statue was ripped from its base, hit with stethoscopes and tuning forks for about an hour, then dragged through town from a 2001 Honda Accord with a missing passenger side mirror, most likely a medical student’s car.

Critics upset with this measure aren’t necessarily anti-vax, but worry that this anti-vax movement, which is killing children, is part of our history.

ATLANTA, GA – Last week Robert De Niro pushed for the Andrew Wakefield (yes, that Wakefield) film Vaxxed to be screened.  “We need to have the conversation about ‘safe’ vaccines.”  De Niro claims that we should have a conversation about this topic discrediting the multiple studies that continue to prove the link between autism and vaccines untrue.  Despite the film maker’s prior job as a gastroenterologist who published a fake/made-up study, backed by his own financial interests, to link the MMR vaccine to autism, De Niro sees nothing wrong with this.  The study was eventually found out to be a fraud but not before thousands of innocent children have become sick from parents who listen to celebrities rather than scientists.  This caused a bold, but fair reaction from the CDC.

“We should really lock Robert De Niro up in a jail.  We really cannot be sure that he is safe for the community,” Dr. Janelle Beach, the CDC head for public policy, told reporters.  “At least put him away until we have a conversation about him.  Let’s be honest here I’ve seen his films, there clearly is a link of some kind between him and the mafia.  He’s either safe as sunshine or a cold-blooded killer.”  Other scientists agree that to be sure, we should have some research to make De Niro safe.  At the very least we should have a conversation about this before we go any further.

Critics may argue: “He’s 72 years old, wouldn’t we have seen something by now?”  Sure.  Unless it’s a big Hollywood conspiracy to keep this dangerous man on screen to make as much money as possible.  “Think about it, would there have been Godfather II, Goodfellas, or Taxi Driver, if they would have shut down this (potential) monster?  No.  No there wouldn’t,” Dr. Beach warned.  Other close friends and celebrities could vouch for him but they may be in on the conspiracy she pointed out.

Something totally unrelated, the MMR vaccine has been around for 50 years and has the entire scientific community in agreement its safety, but many celebrities insisting on a danger.  “Again, I’m not saying he is, or isn’t, dangerous, only that we should have a conversation about it first.”

“The CDC proposes we put De Niro in jail, conduct many studies, and then decide.  Just make sure Robert is safe for our children, that’s all.”

The Surgeon General was in agreement: “By not doing this you obviously don’t want to keep our children safe.  I’m not saying I’m anti-De Niro, I’m pro-safety.”

Dr. Beach continued, “Has there been any evidence besides a few dozen movies?  Maybe, maybe not.  I’m not a law professional nor a detective, so that means I’m EXACTLY who should be speaking out on this topic.”

Recently Justin Timberlake announced to the world that he is not planning to vaccinate his child.  Evidently all the scientific evidence looks different behind those sexy eyes.  Like other celebrity anti-vaxxers, Justin is so adamantly against vaccination, he will release his previous hits with new lyrics.  Gomerblog was lucky enough to obtain an early copy:

(Verse 1)
I’m bringing measles back
Them other boys don’t know how to vax
I think you’re special, what’s that on your back?
So turn around and I’ll look at that rash

Talcum for my itch

(Bridge)
Fevers, babe
You see these white spots
Baby, I have malaise
Damn coryza and my eyes so red
It’s just the measles make me feel this way

Contagious rubeola

(Chorus)
Come here child
Go to bed, you’ve now caught it
No to the vax
Go to bed, you’ve now caught it
CDC
Go to bed, you’ve now caught it
Jokes on me
Go to bed, you’ve now caught it
Let me see what your fever is
Go to bed, you’ve now caught it
Clearly septic
Go to bed, you’ve now caught it
You make me smile
Go to bed, you’ve now caught it
Go ahead child
Go to bed, you’ve now caught it
And get your measles on

Get your measles on
Go to bed, you’ve now caught it
(Repeat 6 times)

Get your measles on

(Verse 2)
I’m bringing measles back
Those f**king doctors don’t know any crap
Even if Wakefield was a total sham
And Jenny McCarthy’s more toxic than Spam

Talcum for my itch

(Bridge)

(Chorus)

(Verse 3)
I’m bringing measles back
You motherf**kers watch how measles attacks
If that’s your girl, better treat her stat
Cause she’ll infect the world and that’s a fact

Contagious rubeola

(Chorus)

BERKELEY, CA – The Anti Vaccination ring leader was injured Thursday during a big Pharma raid that occurred about 2 o’clock PST.  “We tried to go in and take out the source of the insurgency,” Dr. Donald Withers told reporters. Dr. Withers is leading the national fight against the ‘Anti-Vaxers.’ “We’ve been taking them out one by one. Each raid we gather more intel that lead us to Thursday’s raid, and we were this close to catching their boss,” he said as he held up right hand showing an inch between his finger and thumb.

The team of doctors busted down the front door to the leader’s home only to stop dead in their tracks. “We were stunned,” Dr. Joshua Hurwitz, said. Dr. Hurwitz is another team member who was in charge of showing the target study after high powered study refuting  the claim that vaccines are dangerous. “There he stood over six-foot tall, single-celled and all, a large influenza virus. I dropped all my papers on the ground, it was a mess,” He said has he pushed up his glasses off the bridge of his nose.

The team saw computers everywhere that were logged into countless forums and websites, clearly the work of a kingpin spreading internet propaganda. The raid was stopped short when all six team members stood in the living room frozen, in shock at the large influenza virus. “All the virus said, in big booming voice, was: You are murdering my people! Stop killing off our women and children, they have families to feed and they need your lung tissue to do it!”

Influenza has been relatively kept under control for many years, but due to many fears among people about the vaccine it is making comeback. “If I only brought my Tamiflu aerosolizer bomb,” Dr. Withers stated in regret.

The absolute shocker was the guest this large sentient influenza virus had in his house: Pertussis. Both escaped quickly but not without Dr. Hurvitz shouting out some data proving the effectiveness of vaccines which injured influenza on his way out. “I can’t believe she was there too,” Hurvitz said referring to pertussis. “I wish I would have been quicker with my data, maybe I would have killed both.”

The medical community is excited that they have a face [cell] at the top of the whole anti-vax movement. “The evidence gathered at this raid was priceless.  We have names of many people in the Anti-vax network. We even found Jenny McCarthy‘s underwear in his room, she must be sleeping with the large virus… somehow.”

“It makes perfect sense now,” Dr. Withers said. “He doesn’t want his people to die so he’s been spreading lies about the only effective way to eradicate his kind off the planet. But I won’t rest until we get the bastard.”