ATLANTA, GA – Last week Robert De Niro pushed for the Andrew Wakefield (yes, that Wakefield) film Vaxxed to be screened. “We need to have the conversation about ‘safe’ vaccines.” De Niro claims that we should have a conversation about this topic discrediting the multiple studies that continue to prove the link between autism and vaccines untrue. Despite the film maker’s prior job as a gastroenterologist who published a fake/made-up study, backed by his own financial interests, to link the MMR vaccine to autism, De Niro sees nothing wrong with this. The study was eventually found out to be a fraud but not before thousands of innocent children have become sick from parents who listen to celebrities rather than scientists. This caused a bold, but fair reaction from the CDC.
“We should really lock Robert De Niro up in a jail. We really cannot be sure that he is safe for the community,” Dr. Janelle Beach, the CDC head for public policy, told reporters. “At least put him away until we have a conversation about him. Let’s be honest here I’ve seen his films, there clearly is a link of some kind between him and the mafia. He’s either safe as sunshine or a cold-blooded killer.” Other scientists agree that to be sure, we should have some research to make De Niro safe. At the very least we should have a conversation about this before we go any further.
Critics may argue: “He’s 72 years old, wouldn’t we have seen something by now?” Sure. Unless it’s a big Hollywood conspiracy to keep this dangerous man on screen to make as much money as possible. “Think about it, would there have been Godfather II, Goodfellas, or Taxi Driver, if they would have shut down this (potential) monster? No. No there wouldn’t,” Dr. Beach warned. Other close friends and celebrities could vouch for him but they may be in on the conspiracy she pointed out.
Something totally unrelated, the MMR vaccine has been around for 50 years and has the entire scientific community in agreement its safety, but many celebrities insisting on a danger. “Again, I’m not saying he is, or isn’t, dangerous, only that we should have a conversation about it first.”
“The CDC proposes we put De Niro in jail, conduct many studies, and then decide. Just make sure Robert is safe for our children, that’s all.”
The Surgeon General was in agreement: “By not doing this you obviously don’t want to keep our children safe. I’m not saying I’m anti-De Niro, I’m pro-safety.”
Dr. Beach continued, “Has there been any evidence besides a few dozen movies? Maybe, maybe not. I’m not a law professional nor a detective, so that means I’m EXACTLY who should be speaking out on this topic.”