Tips to Keep Unvaccinated Kids Safe Around Vaccinated Kids

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SPOKANE, WA – As the measles epidemic grows across Washington state and several other states in the US, free “thinking” anti-vaccination parents find their views and lack of intellect challenged. They worry that despite their efforts, their kids may actually survive into adulthood!

“These vaccinated kids are everywhere. At the parks, in the schools, even in the aisles of Whole Foods!!” lamented anti-vaccination advocate, mother, essential oils sales guru and almost high-school graduate Toomani Hashtagues. 

“I just worry about how to keep my kids safe around the vaccinators. I don’t want my kids to potentially catch any antibodies or logic from them and bring that crap home! Imagine if I got infected with antibodies or logic!!” Ms. Hashtagues continued. 

After some extensive internet/Pinterest/facebook “research,” Hashtagues believes she has developed a foolproof system to keep her kids safe around immunized children. 

“Every day, I feed them an organic breakfast of vegetables I canned myself with an extra sprinkle of Thieves oil. Then I coat them head to toe in Lavendar oil to help protect their fragile chakras. I wash all of their clothes in hemp based laundry detergent and finally I give them a full gram of turmeric at bedtime for each vaccinated kid they were exposed too.”

Hashtagues is convinced that her proprietary regimen of bullshit and voodoo is the only thing preventing her kids from having functional immunity to measles and dozens of other preventable diseases. 

“It is my right as an uneducated bimbo to decide which preventable diseases my kids will eventually die from.”

Unbeknownst to Ms. Hashtagues, her ex-husband has been vaccinating their children on his custody weekends since they were born, working diligently against their mother’s efforts to kill them. 

  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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