WASHINGTON, D.C. – Talk to any health care professional and they’ll tell you that self-treatment is not the best idea. However, for one D.C.-area neurosurgeon, he was convinced that self-treatment was absolutely the right call.

“The thing with my office is that I can’t ever get the temperature right,” complained neurosurgeon Dr. Arthur Desis. “I turn the thermostat a smidgen in one direction and it’s colder than the OR. Turn it a bit in the other direction and it’s an inferno.”

Desis had pestered every maintenance person in the building, but no one has been able to solve the problem. He decided “enough is enough” and took matters into his own hands.

“I was inspired by a cardiologist who stented his own blockage,” Desis continued, checking his head dressing for any drainage. “I might not be able to fix the office thermostat but I can certainly fix my own. They don’t call the hypothalamus the body’s thermostat for nothing. I honestly think this is some of my best work.”

We asked Desis why he removed the hypothalamus; it helped regulate the body’s temperature after all. If anything, removing the hypothalamus might make things worse. We asked him if perhaps he made a mistake?

No response.

Gomerblog will report on Desis’ answer to our questions when he snaps out of his stunned silence.

SILVER SPRING, MD – Begging surgeons to keep operating room doors closed as much as possible, the National Weather Service (NWS) has cited the subzero temperatures of ORs in the Midwest as the source of the chilling polar vortex threatening millions of Americans.

“This arctic blast is different: it is not just posing life-threatening conditions for patients and surgical staff, it exposing the threat to two-thirds of the entire United States,” explained NWS meteorologist Timothy Ball-Friese.  “Not all humans thrive in hypothermic conditions.”

According to Ball-Friese, the increased winter volume this winter has led to a synergistic effect among busier-than-usual ORs across the Midwestern part of the United States.  The simple opening and closing of operating room doors over the past few months has led to the creation of the coldest weather mass intrusion in decades.

“Unless you’re the Shirtless Tongan from the PyeongChang Olympics,” pleaded Ball-Friese, “stay inside, stay layered, and don’t cover yourself in baby oil.”  Ball-Friese is referring to Tongan athlete, Pita Taufatofua, who braved the Opening Ceremony of the 2018 PyeongChang Olympics shirtless, and is still believed to be the only human being on Earth built to withstand arctic conditions without clothing.

Despite the desperate plea from the NWS, Americans will still likely have to brave potentially record-breaking cold wind chill values – putting them at risk for frostbite and hypothermia – because surgeons across the country stand united, unwilling to budge on the issue of OR temperatures.

“The idea of raising the temperature even one degree is ludicrous and completely off the table,” stated President of the American Orthopaedic Association, Brock Hammersley.  “As long as ‘orthopaedic’ is spelled with an A, the OR temperature will remain zero degrees Fahrenheit or lower.”

“I’m scared, so scared,” said anesthesiologist Ryan Grossman, shivering despite spilling hot coffee over his entire body.  “I’ve reinforced my drape fort, it’s 98 layers of drapes thick, and even still I don’t think I’m going to make it.”

LOUISVILLE, KY – Therapeutic hypothermia, the deliberate reduction of core body temperature to 32 to 34 degrees Celsius, was found to be ineffective and even harmful in the treatment of patients suffering from hypothermia, according to a new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA).

“We’ve known about the potential benefits of therapeutic hypothermia since 2002, but this is the first study that demonstrates its potential harms,” explained Dr. Howard Bauchner, Editor-in-Chief for JAMA, who prefers to have ice cream outdoors in the middle of winter.  “Thanks to this study, we have a better understanding: lowering the body temperature of a patient who is already hypothermic may not be the best intervention.”

The Hypothermia After Hypothermia (HAH) study was stopped early when researchers saw the therapeutic hypothermia protocol exacerbated fluid and electrolyte imbalances; arrhythmias including bradycardia and atrioventricular blocks; coagulation issues; and shivering, of all things.

“What was telling was how quickly the hypothermic study patients complained and then decompensated when they were given any of a combination of a ice packs, rapid cold-fluid infusions, and cooling blankets,” said one of the authors of the HAH study, Dr. Sara Beth Snow, who personally likes nothing better than a hot tea on a 100-degree, humid sunny day completely devoid of clouds or shade.  “The study was terminated, but then we observed how these patients seemed to turn around when they were given warm blankets, hot soup, and personal heaters.  It was completely unexpected.”

Seeing that there may be a role for therapeutic hyperthermia, Snow already has a study in the works.

“I’ve already started enrolling patients for our Hyperthermia After Hyperthermia study, or HAH 2,” continued Snow.  “It’s hard to know what this trial will reveal, but that’s why research is so important.  There is no other way we would discover such critical breakthroughs.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The executive orders (EO) just keep coming.  President Donald Trump just signed an EO stating: “No one is allowed to go to the Emergency Room with a cold.”  What?!  Is he building a wall around the hospitals?  Then he has the audacity to not only limit these miserable citizens from the care they need, but he tells them in the EO that “Antibiotics will not work.”

Ok, remove the tinfoil hat, Mr. President.  If you can’t give people antibiotics, then what?  Day 1 in medical school doctors learn: patient has a cold, and if they demand antibiotics, then prescribe antibiotics.  Simple.  If you are at a loss with the rest of the medical community on how to treat these miserable souls, well, that is in the EO as well.  Treatment straight from the top: “Soup and Netflix.”  Sure, but what if it is the flu?!?!  Damn you, EO, there is a clause about this year’s flu vaccine being very similar to to the flu virus that is going around.

We’ll stay tuned as this develops.

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – When 38-year-old Sydney accountant Peter Preston presented to his local GP earlier this week with coryzal symptoms, lethargy and a high temperature, he assumed he was just the latest victim of a wave of flu-like illness.  He was taken aback to discover that there was in fact, nothing going around – at all.  With victims of viral illness traditionally reassured that “there has been a lot of that going around” or “people have been going down like flies,” the bemused bean-counter was surprised to hear that, in fact, he was it.

NSW Head of Public Health, Dr. Tim Ainscough, confirmed the surprising development.

“It’s really remarkable.  There’s always something going around, isn’t there?  But the data don’t lie -it’s pretty much just Peter right now.  Pretty spectacular stuff out of a population of 5 million or so.”

Hospital-based infection control zealots have been quick to claim credit.  Wendy Uptight, NSW Health Head of Handwashing Audit, Sticking Plastic Drapes Over Stuff in the Anaesthetic Bay, and Lengthy Arcane Protocol Development, says the news is a big win for middle management.

“It’s clear we’re on the right track, and that the state-wide appointment of 360,000 infection control officers is starting to pay dividends.  Sure, we’ve been unable to employ any frontline nursing or medical staff for the last 14 months but I’m sure you’ll agree it’s been worth it.”

Fortunately for primary care providers, the downturn in coughs and colds has been more than matched by a spike in the incidence of prescription-opioid-down-plughole, mirroring recent U.S. trends.