Shirtless Tongan arctic tundra
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Shirtless Tongan
“My nipples are like diamonds”

PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA – Sadly, we knew it was bound to happen: Tongan athlete Pita Taufatofua, also known as the Shirtless Tongan, has just been rushed to Seoul National University Hospital (SNUH) for what is believed to be life-threatening hypothermia.

“He managed to survive the 28-degree Fahrenheit temperature at the Opening Ceremony, but going shirtless for all 17 days was a huge ask, even for Pita,” said SNUH emergency medicine physician Dr. Jun-Seo Kim.  “Pita thought that oil layer would provide extra insulation, like blubber.  But no amount of baby oil, no matter how well it glistens off of his rock-hard body, can retain the necessary heat to stay warm.”

Over the past four years, numerous studies published in the New England Journal of Medicine (NEJM) and the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) have shown how baby oil is inferior to winter apparel when it comes to maintaining body heat.

According to Tongan medical doctors, Taufatofua presented to SNUH with a temperature of 28 degrees Fahrenheit.  Kim and his team tried to obtain an ECG to look for Osborn waves, but the leads kept slipping off of Taufatofua’s oily body.  It was only after hundreds of people volunteered to wipe off his slick, magnificent physique that an ECG was finally obtained.

Even in sickness, Paufatofua continues to wow.  The Shirtless Tongan’s physical exam simply read, “What Michaelangelo’s David must look like and feel like up close despite his bluish tint.”  Radiology’s official read of a pan-CT simply read, “The human body in all of its glorious perfection.  Please clinically correlate.”

For the time being, Paufatofua has traded in his traditional ta-ovala for a Bair hugger, though in occasional states of agitation rips it off to lather himself in more baby oil.  He remains slightly altered, talking about how he plans to “wear a parka and thermal underwear for the Summer Olympics.”

That being said, the Shirtless Tongan admirably channels the Olympic spirit and continues to wave the Tongan flag even while laying down in his hospital bed.

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