MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA – A major tertiary emergency department in Melbourne recently conducted a trial of single-ply toilet paper across all bathrooms and found a 45% reduction in overnight stays of gastro patients and a 60% reduction in admissions.
Dr. Johnson works in the ER and was initially skeptical of the project but has come around to realizing its benefits. “Whilst my own daily post coffee excursion has become somewhat more raw, it has been so much easier convincing all the worried well with gastro to go home. They only need a couple of traumatic bathroom visits before they are begging to be discharged with a handful of Tylenol and some instructions to re-present to their GP if they get any worse. This gives us more time to deal with all the heart attacks, strokes, and paper cuts that truly need our help.”
Suzie is a nurse working in the ER who also reflected warmly on the fibrous change. “I was impressed by the hospital administration’s dedication in finding a brand of toilet paper so rough that I myself have strongly considered experimenting with used progress notes in its place. However, at the end of the day we are here to serve the patients. And all our key performance indicators about admission rates, overnight stays, and even re-presentations show that our tough new toilet paper is keeping troublesome bowels away from our ward.”
Several other area hospitals are now beginning to emulate the successful policy, with current Roughly’s demand reaching record levels altogether unseen since the two-ply shortage of late 2007.
Other new policies under consideration for reducing unnecessary admissions include turning up the air conditioner to maximum and not supplying tissues to deter young men with the man-flu and treating any patients who present to ER after midnight having had back pain for over 6 month with mandatory digital rectal exams.