OSLO, NORWAY – This past Friday the American Radiology Association facilitated a landmark nuclear deal between members of interventional radiology and general radiology. Deep-rooted historic and cultural entanglements have long polarized these two groups. But differences were put aside last week as leaders from both sides realized the importance of imaging non-proliferation.

For years, arguments have led to conflicts between the departments. The first clashes occurred in the 1920s over mining rights to gallium, technetium and thallium. The famed HIDA Heist of the 1950s popularized the phrase “Caesium and Desist!” and “You put the SPECT in suspect!”.

In the early 2000s there were intense debates regarding the utility of IV contrast, and whether angiography or VQ scan is better for detecting PE. In more recent years, opposing departments would clash in hospital hallways with chants of “We don’t like your MUGA!” and “We’re not your PET!”.

Despite their numerous conflicts, the two sides came together to find common ground on topics such as the importance of clinical correlation and recommending other types of imaging. Officials reported that upon signing the accords both sides extended their C-arms in a long handshake.

“We’re excited to ablate the animosity between our two parties”, said radiologist Milo Graham. “This whole thing is pretty Rad! We’re looking forward to enriching our relationship, one that we hope lasts for many half-lives.”

The historic treaty was inspected by the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) before signing.

In a stunning move by the WHO this past Friday, “Schmutz” was formally incorporated into the list of acceptable ICD-10 diagnoses for radiological findings.

Technically defined as a filthy substance such as dust or grime, “schmutz” is originally of Yiddish and German etymology. However, the term has been adopted by radiologists for decades to describe radiological findings that look like…well…schmutz.

“This is long overdue”, sighed a relieved Dr. Ray DeGraph. “For years we’ve been boxed into using certain terms that don’t really fit. Especially for chest imaging. Sometimes there’s a little something on CT you can’t quite describe. It’s not a consolidation, or ground glass, or even weird atelectasis. It’s just schmutz.”

Since the release of “Schmutz”, preliminary data from the WHO show plummeting usage rates of the codes for “Abnormal findings on diagnostic imaging of the lung” and “Other nonspecific abnormal finding of lung field”. Although usage rates of the code for “Bitten by shark, subsequent encounter” remain unchanged.

With so many elective procedures cancelled in the wake of the COVID pandemic, many pieces of hospital equipment have started gathering dust. But one radiologist had different plans for the mammogram machine in the basement. “I was sitting there eating my sandwich and the idea just hit me”, explained Dr. Ray DeGraph. “Let’s fire this puppy up and make a panini press!”

Word quickly spread about the new sandwich-squisher in the basement and employees started lining up by the dozens. The radiology department even developed a new menu, with options such as the BRCA BLT, Radioactive Reuben, Screening Sub, and Hyperplasia Hoagie.

When the hospital administration caught wind, they couldn’t help but take advantage of the situation by re-activating all mammogram machines and charging employees $5 per press. Hospital CEO, Tae Kyordo, couldn’t have been happier. “We’re grateful to Dr. DeGraph for his ingenuity and willingness to help with cash flow during this difficult time.”

Sadly, the program was shut down after just 1 week when the machines became caked by melted cheese. “Radiation injury is a known risk”, explained Dr. DeGraph, “We were just happy to have put a smile on people’s faces for a little while.”

In a stunning display of kindness, the hospital announced that all panini-related proceeds will be donated to the COVID Healthcare Gyros Foundation.

Atlanta, Georgia- A local radiologist, Dr. Crystal Clear is opening up a new world for radiology. Dr. Clear, a radiologist with over 15 years of experience teaching residents is getting them to classify everyday objects… but in radiology terms.

“I think it is important not just for my current residents but for all radiology residents to start naming objects as a we would for medical issues to improve our vocabulary and to make things more ambiguous. I think that is the key to starting meaningful conversations not just with our colleagues but with people outside of medicine!”

We spoke further with Dr. Clear about her methods and the feedback she has gotten. “Oh, the new method is just great! Let me give you an example that I start off with all my residents. I give them a deck of cards and pull out the queen of spades. See, you would call this a spade right? Well, as a radiologist, I would call it a polygon that resembles a rhomboid structure with a stalk; highly suspicious for a spade however cannot rule out a club but clinical correlation is recommended.”

Dr. Amy Biguous, another radiologist had this to say. “I think Dr. Clear is really on to something; the more descriptive a radiologist is about something so blatant, the more it really makes them shine as a radiologist! I tell my residents… always use 10 words when 2 would do. Being ambiguous lets the clinician expand their differentials based on what we see and lets them correlate clinically better!”

We hope that more radiologists take this approach to help clinicians correlate clinically more effectively.

San Diego, CA – When Dr. Tyler Bachon started his radiology residency, he thought clinical correlation would only be a phrase he added to reports as a means of putting the onus of the diagnosis back onto other physicians and midlevels. 

This week, due to Coronavirus, Dr. Bachon was pulled out of his usual dark reading room and thrust into duty as an auxiliary internal medicine intern. The transition was a shock to him to say the least. 

“I haven’t looked at lab results for over a decade, I don’t know about what normal sodium levels should be! This is the worst idea ever!” Dr. Bachon lamented. 

On the third day of his purgatory, Dr. Bachon and the IM team reached what they thought was a mutually beneficial compromise. Bachon would read all imaging studies for the team and would no longer have to do H&Ps, daily notes or try to figure out where the hell sodium goes in the lab skeleton diagrams. 

The plan went great until Dr. Bachon saw a possible bilateral hazy opacity on a morning chest xray and recommended clinical correlation for possible pneumonia or Coronavirus. It was at that moment that Bachon realized that he would have to perform that clinical correlation!

“I don’t know how to clinically correlate! I’m a god-damn radiologist, not a stethoscopologist! I don’t know what pneumonia sounds like or smells like. This is bull dookie!” Bachon complained. 

Bachon was later seen offering an actual IM Intern a protein bar he had stolen from an orthopaedic surgeon in exchange for performing a clinical correlation. 

MENLO PARK, NJ—An unusually intense electrical storm this morning produced a prolonged power surge at Menlo Park Memorial Hospital (MPMH), mysteriously causing all electrical power to turn and remain on, incapable of being cut. While this bizarre electrical anomaly went unnoticed in most of the brightly lit medical center, residents in the Radiology reading room collectively groaned when the lights came on.

“Dammit! I hate when this happens!” said visibly frustrated Radiology resident, Mitch Black, as he slid on a pair of extra-dark sunglasses to shield his eyes from the glaring 40-watt incandescent bulbs, lest he go blind, and lathered his body with SPF 100+ sunscreen.

Unable to read any films, the radiologists reluctantly did undesirable things like look at their colleagues in the light for the first time ever. Predictably, that was an utter disaster as these reclusive residents are anything but pleasant to look at. “Uh, yeah, since we’re always in the dark, none of us really spend too much time grooming,” said an unshaven, unkempt Dr. Black, before pointing to a colleague cowering in the corner trying to cover his privates with an X-ray film, “or, in the case of Naked Ray, even dressing ourselves.”

With that activity a failure and imaging studies piling up, desperate residents broke out the Radiology emergency kit, full of devices to block light: bed sheets to make a light-impenetrable fort around a resident and a computer screen, sheets of loose leaf paper to tape over the lights, and the kit even contained a 1st-year medical student, whose limited skill set thankfully included the ability to stand in front of a light source and cast a dark shadow over the resident.

While none of those light-blocking products ultimately proved effective, there was some good that came out of this power “on-age”. Considering that the bulbs in the reading room hadn’t previously been turned on in 100 years, it’s no wonder that residents discovered that the light fixtures still contained original Edison light bulbs. Avid bulb enthusiasts around the country quickly flocked to MPMH to witness a glimpse of history.

But the good news ends there. The electric company indicated it was highly unlikely that power would be back off in the reading room in time for the ER’s evening head CT rush, and it might even take weeks to restore darkness. One could point out, however, that this unfortunate situation could easily be resolved if the residents simply remove the light bulbs, which leaves us to ponder the age-old question: “How many radiologists does it take to unscrew a damn light bulb?!”

People across the globe were on alert last Monday after mysterious wide spread power outages and electronic failures. Chaos ensued in many airports and bus stations. One fourth of all flights were delayed across the globe. Stranded passengers anxiously awaited while scientists scrambled to get a handle of the situation.

A team of scientists and engineers at NASA was quickly assembled to investigate. What they found was so shocking that they have been forced to reevaluate their understanding of the earths geomagnetic forces. NASA spokesman explained that there was a transient reversal of the earths magnetic poles. This type of event is extremely rare, occurring once every several thousand years. It was not due to happen again any time soon.

Using massive magnetic field sensors, NASA scientists discovered that the anomaly was triggered by a new state of the art super massive MRI machine in Portland Oregon. It was the first one of its kind.

The geomagnetic disruption was only temporary, and the patient lived. The images obtained were so detailed and intricate that doctors were able to identify individual molecules contributing to the patient’s abdominal pain. The potential medical applications for such detailed images are endless. However the leaning towel of Pisa is now upright, the Great Wall of China has moved into the ocean, and the earth now orbits the moon.

HOUSTON, TX – A hilarious error has made headlines in Texas recently, when a routine chest X-ray was dictated and reported to have an unprecedented diagnostic finding. This particular X-ray was taken to evaluate fluid overload status on a septic 54 year-old admitted to the ICU – the man was intubated and received aggressive diuresis to rid of his excess edema. When the radiologist appropriately noted the persistent Kerley B lines indicating need for continued or increased diuresis, he read it aloud into his dictation software, and without crucial attention to detail, the following was released into PACS:

“Interval increase in pulmonary interstitial infiltrates with persistent bilateral effusions, emphasized by prominent Cardi B lines, suggestive of worsening overload.”

The mistake has become a legend within the local hospital. The ICU group now refers to fluid overload as “Cardi B Syndrome.” Recently, surgeons have left ORs still wearing their shoe coverings, making tracks of bloody footprints in the hallways; when asked, one surgeon laughed and said, “Can’t you tell? These is red bottoms, these is bloody shoes!” Cafeterias and gift shops keep playing “I like It Like That” to the annoyance of most visitors (mainly because the local radio station keeps playing the song). Most publicly, the hospital’s CEO ended his most recent announcements email with “Okurrrrr” at the end of his signature.

The radiologist involved agreed to anonymous comment: “I mean, yeah, it’s embarrassing. Of course I didn’t read through my dictation, no one proofreads their notes anywhere in the hospital anyways. Above all, I blame the new autocorrect feature. Sometimes I catch it… once I caught where the dictation software mistook ‘IVC filter’ for ‘Heil Hitler,’ thank God I didn’t sign that report!”

Radiologists have since been thorough with their dictations to make sure no autocorrects make it into their reports on PACS. EPIC reports still have had other less famous but just as frustrating mistakes, including: “TPN” mistaken as “T-Pain,” “gastric lavage” mistaken as “Nicki Minaj,” and “alopecia” mistaken as “Bye Felicia.”

When asked, Cardi B declined for comment.

ROCKFORD, IL – A bevy of complaints are arising from staff at Rockford Medical Center after an overnight radiology wet read of a CT head has been found to be dripping all over the place, placing everyone within a 30-foot radius at risk for a fall.

“Our environmental services is always on point, but even they can’t keep up with all the leakage,” explained charge nurse Ella Petty, whose scrubs are soaked up to the knees. “This is quite possibly the wettest read we’ve ever seen. They’ve actually run out of those Caution: Slippery When Wet yellow signs. We’ve all had to put on boots.”

As far as anyone can tell, the wetness appears to be serosanguinous without any signs of bleeding.

“But if someone slips and falls, there might be some bleeding, and you know what else there’ll be? A law suit,” Petty reminded everyone.

The wet read has soaked through several layers of gauze. Petty and her staff are attempting to put on a pressure dressing so see if that slows things down.

“Lord above, what did Radiology do to this CT, give it a bolus of Lasix?” exclaimed Petty. “MOPS!!! WE NEED MORE MOPS!!!”

NEW YORK, NY – The Interventional Radiology (IR) team at New York Medical Center (NYMC) successfully embolized a patient’s aorta today in an effort to prevent future bleeding.

“Our patient has had recurrent gastrointestinal bleeding over the past year, and we finally localized the source,” stated interventional radiologist Deborah Harrison. “We initially planned to embolize the patient’s superior mesenteric artery, but then we paused and thought about it some more. Is that enough? Can we do more?”

Harrison postulated that the patient could develop another GI bleed and they would have to embolize the inferior mesenteric artery, or the patient could develop hemoptysis and they would have to embolize a bronchial artery. Harrison thought, hasn’t this patient bled enough?

“We realized it wouldn’t be fair to the patient, that the patient deserved a more definitive procedure from our IR team,” continued Harrison. “You can’t be any more definitive than embolizing the entirety of the aorta. That’ll definitely stop the bleeding.”

After confirming the patient had met the requirement of having an INR less than 0, Harrison’s team proceeded and completely embolized the aorta from the aortic valve down to the aortic bifurcation.

Gomerblog reports that the patient tolerated the procedure well, and will be transferred to the medical intensive care unit at NYMC for indefinite monitoring.