LAS VEGAS, NV – The smallish crowd of 14,623 at T-Mobile Arena wasn’t surprised when referee and palliative care nurse practitioner Robert Byrd stopped the mega-fight between 49-0 Floyd “Money” Mayweather and MMA fighter great but boxing rookie Conor McGregor in the 10th round in order to address the latter’s goals of the fight.

“Look, this fight is going to take it’s natural course in that you will lose, there’s no way to change that outcome no matter what you do.  He’s been boxing’s most dominant fighter over the past decade, for Pete’s sake,” Byrd told McGregor in a heart-to-heart talk in the corner of the ring.  “I’m sorry, but anything else is a stall.  Are you sure you want to keep fighting?  Can we call any family or friends?  Or maybe a random stranger rooting you on in front of a TV in Ireland?  How about some morphine?”

McGregor was adamant that he would keep fighting “even if they have to carry me out on a ventilator.”

Byrd let the fight continue for a few more seconds, but ultimately McGregor had nothing left.  Mayweather landed punch after punch, and at 1 minute and 5 seconds into the 10th round Byrd called the fight in favor of futility and even gave a heads up to inpatient hospice.  McGregor felt that Byrd called the fight too early, that he still had some quality of life left.

In victory, Mayweather gave McGregor the ultimate compliment: he gave him kudos.

Mayweather moved his record to 50-0.  He looks forward to a hefty paycheck, though admits he is worried about drowning in “all this cash” and aspirating a bunch of Benjamins into his lungs.  Mayweather will now retire undefeated and a full code.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former White House communications director Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci has told Gomerblog that an impromptu family meeting and “g*ddamn” goals of care discussion he ran earlier today went absolutely *f**king fabulous.”

“If you don’t f**king tell me who leaked that you might get Dilaudid, I’m going to fire everyone in this g*ddamn hospital,” Scaramucci started as he burst into the room, bypassing any introductions between himself and anyone else in the room.  “F*CK CODE STATUS.  DN-f**king-R.”

He continued.

“If you don’t tell me who leaked, I can c*ckblock hospice like Preibus c*ckblocked The Mooch.”

The patient shrugged his shoulders, utterly confused as to what was happening.  He tried to interject and say he was unaware Scaramucci was coming by, that it was never mentioned that the shortest-tenured and shortest-tempered White House communications director in history was going to pay a visit and start screaming obscenities in first, second, and third person.

“The primary team can go f**k themselves, and you can go f**k yourself,” The Mooch retorted instantaneously, seething, towering over the patient, adding that being a health care professional was a felony.  The patient asked if his doctor called The Mooch.  The Mooch said no but “I’ve called the F.B.I. and the Department of Justice.”

Say what?

Anyone within earshot were aghast by the vulgar tirade, though Scaramucci didn’t see what was wrong with being so upfront and forthcoming.  “I ran this meeting like a m**herf**king peach,” he said.  The primary team received word and called security for immediate assistance.

“I’m not trying to suck my own c*ck,” Scaramucci interjected randomly towards the patient before security dragged him out of the room before he could conjure up the image of Steve Bannon.  The charge nurse shot a well-placed Haldol blowdart into his neck, taking the Mooch down.

“Hi, are you with Psychiatry?” the primary doctor was heard saying into his phone as he stepped onto the floor.  “Yeah, I kinda have a stat consult for you.  His name?  Well, he calls himself The Mooch…”

In other news, former Director of the CDC Thomas Frieden said there is one bright spot to this.  “At least he didn’t say p**sy.”

NEW HAVEN, CT – It was supposed to be just a normal overnight shift at a prestigious Connecticut hospital when a hospital janitor found a stranger in scrubs, sobbing behind a bed in a room that needed cleaning.

The person, later identified as MICU fellow Cody Blue, was reportedly working when he received a call from his girlfriend.

“It was horrible!” said a witness who did not want to be identified.  “Dr. Blue immediately turned green.  He couldn’t stop crying while repeatedly saying, ‘Please, let’s not have a Goals of Care discussion!  Please!  How about a family meeting instead?  We’ll have dinner with your parents this weekend!'”

A close friend who chose to remain anonymous said that the conversation was about him being together for 6 years and still not engaged.

“He does too many overnight calls.  They barely saw each other,” he explained.  When asked how Dr. Blue has been doing since, he said, “He’s ok… recovering.  All his friends have been telling him that from now on he should only date people in Oncology.  That way we can make sure the last thing he will be having is another Goals of Care discussion.”

Gomerblog attempted to reach Dr. Cody Blue, but he was on call and refused to comment.