ATLANTA, GA – Yesterday, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued an important reminder to healthcare providers today, reminding them once and for all that the adjective of pus is “purulent,” not “p**sy.”
“Guys, come on and get it together, you gotta stop using the word p**sy in the hospital when describing pus, it’s borderline unprofessional,” said Director of the CDC Dr. Thomas Frieden. “The widespread use, particularly among medical students and residents, is nearly epidemic. I’ve even heard a few attendings say it. Attendings, for Pete’s sake! This must stop now!”
“Okay, so what is the adjective form of pus?” asked Frieden during the last few minutes of a workshop he held this morning.
“Damn it, NO!!!!” screamed Frieden, slamming his fist onto a table.
Obviously, a lot of work needs to be done.
“We’re in the business of pus, not p**sy,” said Leanne Burton of Infectious Diseases at Emory University, gowned in a facemask, a contact precaution gown, and gloves. “Pus-like is okay, purulent is preferable, but please don’t use the word p**sy. Like ever.”
UPDATE 9:35 PM ET:
Based on a tip from KH, the CDC is desperately begging everyone to not refer to female cats with purulent vaginal discharge as the “p**sy’s p**sy p**sy.”
UPDATE 9:55 PM ET:
Based on a tip from KW, the CDC is asking that lab samples labeled “p**sy drainage” not to be automatically sent for genital culture.
UPDATE 10:08 PM ET:
Based on a tip from GY, the CDC is mobilizing a task force to look into the utility of umlauts.
UPDATE 10:25 PM ET:
The CDC estimates that at least 50,000 medical documents mention “p**sy.” (This excludes OB/GYN notes.) Though the CDC finds this “disturbing,” health care providers find it “hilarious.”
UPDATE 10:39 PM ET:
Russian feminist punk band Pussy Riot has declined the CDC’s request to change their name to Purulent Riot.
UPDATE 09:55 PM ET (03/07/16):
The CDC is now begging everyone to not refer to Pussy Galore’s female cat with purulent vaginal discharge as “P**sy’s p**sy’s p**sy p**sy.”