WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former White House communications director Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci has told Gomerblog that an impromptu family meeting and “g*ddamn” goals of care discussion he ran earlier today went absolutely *f**king fabulous.”
“If you don’t f**king tell me who leaked that you might get Dilaudid, I’m going to fire everyone in this g*ddamn hospital,” Scaramucci started as he burst into the room, bypassing any introductions between himself and anyone else in the room. “F*CK CODE STATUS. DN-f**king-R.”
“If you don’t tell me who leaked, I can c*ckblock hospice like Preibus c*ckblocked The Mooch.”
The patient shrugged his shoulders, utterly confused as to what was happening. He tried to interject and say he was unaware Scaramucci was coming by, that it was never mentioned that the shortest-tenured and shortest-tempered White House communications director in history was going to pay a visit and start screaming obscenities in first, second, and third person.
“The primary team can go f**k themselves, and you can go f**k yourself,” The Mooch retorted instantaneously, seething, towering over the patient, adding that being a health care professional was a felony. The patient asked if his doctor called The Mooch. The Mooch said no but “I’ve called the F.B.I. and the Department of Justice.”
Anyone within earshot were aghast by the vulgar tirade, though Scaramucci didn’t see what was wrong with being so upfront and forthcoming. “I ran this meeting like a m**herf**king peach,” he said. The primary team received word and called security for immediate assistance.
“I’m not trying to suck my own c*ck,” Scaramucci interjected randomly towards the patient before security dragged him out of the room before he could conjure up the image of Steve Bannon. The charge nurse shot a well-placed Haldol blowdart into his neck, taking the Mooch down.
“Hi, are you with Psychiatry?” the primary doctor was heard saying into his phone as he stepped onto the floor. “Yeah, I kinda have a stat consult for you. His name? Well, he calls himself The Mooch…”
In other news, former Director of the CDC Thomas Frieden said there is one bright spot to this. “At least he didn’t say p**sy.”