Antibiotic Combination Pill Approved for All Pediatric Infections

WASHINGTON, DC – Vancolinezodoxycillimyciflagylnox, brand named “Cureall,” a combination pill developed by Amalgamated Pharmaceuticals containing all known oral antibiotics, was approved yesterday for pediatric infections after a review by the FDA.  The medication, indicated for all pediatric infections of any variety, has intrigued experts who are enthusiastic about the medication’s potential to redesign medicine.

“We are very excited about Cureall as it takes the ‘guesswork’ out of pediatric medicine,” a spokesman from Amalgamated Pharmaceuticals stated.  “Our expectation is that every kid with a fever, sore throat, or stuffy nose should be offered this medication.  Any young patient who walks into an ER, urgent care clinic, or office now can receive this pill and we can be certain that they will get better within a few days.”

Some insurance companies, while partly dissuaded by the high cost of the medication of $800 per 10-day course, have had preliminary discussions to allow the medication to be authorized and prescribed over the phone by an insurance company representative.  A spokeswoman from Humana stated, “This medication could save billions of dollars from unnecessary ED and clinic visits.  Without the need to perform diagnosis before treatment, we also see the potential to eliminate the need for expensive and painful urine and blood tests and radiation-causing X-rays.”

Some experts are critical of Cureall, citing the possibility of antibiotic resistance, side effects, the possibility of killing beneficial bacteria leading to a C. diff infection, medication allergies, and the fact that most pediatric infections are viral.

Amalgamated Pharmaceuticals downplays those concerns.  “We are confident that antibiotic resistance could be a thing of the past,” their spokesman replied.  “This medication attacks all infections in so many ways that no bacteria could possibly survive one full course of this medication.  It’s foolproof.”