lab test

New Blood Test Measures Serum A**hole Levels

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BETHESDA, MD – Researchers at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) are giddy over a fantastic new blood test that can only be described as “amazeballs.”  It is a new serum a**hole a**ay that can predict a patient’s propensity to be an … well, you know.

20976887_m“Don’t you hate it when you see a patient who initially seems like a nice guy but then it turns out he’s a huge f**king a**hole?” asked well-respected NIH researcher Landon Jones.  “I know I do.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have a blood test that you could do right in the ED or in clinic and know if a guy’s going to be a huge pain in the neck?  That was the basis for developing this test.”

Health care practitioners love, love, LOVE the new a**ay.  When asked to comment, every single health care practitioner in the United States uttered the same exact two words emphatically: “F**KING BRILLIANT.”

According to initial studies, the serum a**hole a**ay is highly sensitive and highly specific when it comes to ruling out or ruling in A-holes, respectively.  Though reference ranges will likely change over time, particularly with the release of more sensitive and more specific serum a**hole a**ays, these are the ones Jones and his research team have been currently using to classify patients:

  • < 2.5: Nice Guy (Not an A**hole)
  • 2.5 to 5.0: Quirky But Tolerable
  • 5.0 to 7.5: Kind of a Jerk
  • > 7.5: A**hole
  • > 9.0: Morbid A**hole

“I know these reference ranges are right,” explained Jones, “because I applied them to my own family members.  My brother is a 0 and my father-in-law is a 10 and that’s dead on.  I love my brother, but man, my father-in-law can be such an…”  Jones believes this will be a game-changer and expects the a**ay to be commercially available as early as 2016.  “Unless it is ruined by some pricks in Capitol Hill or by the FDA,” added Jones sardonically.  “Those guys are such…”

Of note, some small observational trials have shown that patients with high serum a**hole levels (1) have a very poor understanding on how to use pain scales, often using numbers greater than 10, and (2) have very low pain detector scores.

Jones and his NIH team are also working on a serum batsh*t crazy (BSC) assay, but that is still very early in the development process.

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  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Shauna Kidney

    Tonya do you utilize this test often??? Haha

  • Avatar
    Wendy Harmon

    Make sure you draw it in a red top tube.

  • Avatar
    Jennifer Swenson

    Yes Dr… Just calling to notify you of a critical value…lol

  • Avatar
    Jacqueline O’Grady

    Jennifer Daly

  • Avatar
    Carly Ceccarelli

    Brandon Hess, Joseph Stephen, Jeff Armstrong, Doris Herauf, Stephanie Wait, Heather Blasdell, Matthew Zamora

  • Avatar
    Christine Clarke

    You don’t need a blood test, we already know hwo you are.

  • Avatar
    Christina Flynn

    Advise caution, staff members sometimes need care and lord help us all if we ran this screening on staff or physicians.

  • Avatar
    Dianne Benz

    However, will HIPPA prevent the results from being shared with all staff??

  • Avatar
    Kelly Robinson Bernado

    Bahahaha F**KING BRILLIANT!!

  • Avatar
    Louise Bakalov

    Usually a brain CT is the gold standard in ruling out asshole vs bleed

  • Avatar
    Natalia Hernandez-Hidden

    Chatting all those critical values would get old…

  • Avatar
    Mellivora Capensis

    F…ING BRILLIANT I’m >10 but don’t give a s…! Honeybadger don’t care. He’s BSC!

  • Avatar
    Matthew T. Eaton

    I know plenty of people who would break the meter.

  • Avatar
    Julia Weber

    I’m sorry Cole Thomas, we are not offering this test at this time.

  • Avatar
    Marshall McGough

    Mine would be critical for sure they would have to recollect

  • Avatar
    Liz Blackmore Winders

    Can we administer this to our OOP to confirm diagnosis?

  • Avatar
    Helen Aanstoos

    Who needs to do a blood test for such an obvious syndrome?

  • Avatar
    Natalie Lois

    Haha!!! About time they found a test for that!

  • Avatar
    Natalie Lois

    Haha!!! About time they found a test for that!

  • Avatar
    Bogdan Kanar

    Buy stock in this company ;)

  • Avatar
    Bogdan Kanar

    Buy stock in this company ;)

  • Avatar
    Judith A Meinke

    Don’t we all wish.

  • Avatar
    Jessika Stahl

    Marjorie DeStefano

  • Avatar
    Cathy Carpenter Carelli

    Gotta love modern medicine!

  • Avatar
    Jessica Simpson Cornett

    Teresa Reed what do you know, I got it too.

  • Avatar
    Megan Lorge

    Jenny Nelson Mandy Friedl

  • Avatar
    Teresa Reed

    Snuffalupagus Jessica Simpson Cornett

  • Avatar
    Jessica Simpson Cornett

    Teresa Reed I don’t need a blood test to diagnose you with that, you got it for sure.

  • Avatar
    Teresa Reed

    Jessica Simpson Cornett

  • Avatar
    Kathleen Bylsma

    Ahaahahaha!

  • Avatar
    Jessica Marshall

    Haha very true!! It would just back up what we already know!

  • Avatar
    Austin Opitz

    Hahaha that is hilarious!! Although I don’t think we need a blood test for me. I’ve proven myself time and time again.

  • Avatar
    Jessica Marshall

    Austin Opitz it’s finally here!!

  • Avatar
    Alicia D. Fagan

    too redundant

  • Avatar
    Jane Schwarz

    Jessica Rolling :)

  • Avatar
    Hamed Salhab

    lmao Bashar A Shehadeh gotta follow this site mad funny

  • Avatar
    Nate Schneider

    Latefi Ali

  • Avatar
    Tom Crane

    It’s probably a send out,so you just have to treat as if.

  • Avatar
    Paula Morgan McCorkle

    love it!

  • Avatar
    Jessica Miller

    Maybe it can be sold otc. I have some family to test!

  • Avatar
    Jamie May

    Could make billions charging insurance for this! Oh wait, who has insurance anymore, lol

  • Avatar
    Marietta L. Welch Morhardt

    Does this work for surgeons too?

  • Avatar
    George William Ellsworth

    A test for being a butthole is great, a cure would be even better. When hospital worker wake me up at 2 or 4 am for vitals or at 6 am for a blood draw it would annoy the hell out of me and I know I was not smiling.

  • Avatar
    Adriann Fitzpatrick LaVergne

    I LOVE THIS SITE!!!!!

  • Avatar
    Chelle Gilreath

    finally a test to prove my suspicion

  • Avatar
    Alison Wing

    Is there a point of care for this?

  • Avatar
    Jose Antonio Bello

    Mine is out the roof

  • Avatar
    Charlene Noll

    Megan Burke Maia Aitken the SAA has use!!!!

  • Avatar
    Jenny Lynn

    Correlation with Serum Entitlement levels = 1.

  • Avatar
    Becky Ellsworth

    Oh if this was only true

  • Avatar
    Cara Ryan Riley

    I would like this drawn on all patients prior to their first visit

  • Avatar
    Kristy Ammons

    Donnie Ammons

  • Avatar
    Mary Jo Stine Winfrey

    This is a must!

  • Avatar
    Adrienne Kittridge

    I have a few patients today with abnormal labs! They’re off the charts!

  • Avatar
    Steve Roshia Jr.

    I want my unit to get with the times and get a protime calculator and a finger stick cbc reader but i will be retired by then

  • Avatar
    Steve Roshia Jr.

    Fibromyalgia the “cant work wont work” disorder

  • Avatar
    Vadim Korkhov

    Oh it’s a test on patients. I thought it was meant to be applied to some doctors.

  • Avatar
    Steve Roshia Jr.

    There is a test called fm/a but its the closest thing and cannot with certainty confirm the diagnosis it doesnt exclude a myriad of other things basically about as close as a cbc diagnosing a uti

  • Avatar
    Steve Roshia Jr.

    Lol speaking of blood tests i was having it out with a liberal social welfare wealth redistribution supporter and cited fibromyalgia being a epidemic in people who are on welfare they told me a simple blood test diagnoses it aaaand then i told them i was a nurse and the color drained from their face. There is no blood test

  • Avatar
    Leslie Witt

    Cara Ryan Riley

  • Avatar
    Shannon Cox

    Love the bat shit crazy, I use that term frequently

  • Avatar
    Sue Shelton

    If we could request the results PRIOR to admitting someone, that would be great…

  • Avatar
    Scott Malone

    I was wondering about these lab orders I have been seeing: CBC, BMP, AHP, and TSH. Lol

  • Avatar
    Karen Allen Creme

    we could do this as a breath test on admit…

  • Avatar
    Debbie Rowe

    Which could TOTALLY support our drive for aerosolized lorazepam. Clinical correlation needs, of course.

  • Avatar
    Debbie Rowe

    Be great to spin this at bedside with a K+ and crit :D Truly Amazeballs!

  • Avatar
    Capone GiGi

    POC testing is just what I was thinking too Elena! Could even use it in coworkers and visitors in a pinch.

  • Avatar
    Janet Rudd

    Finally, we can get some codes for this diagnosis, too!

  • Avatar
    Susan Rivers Mulanax

    Although im pretty sure we can all gauge that very well without a serum level.

  • Avatar
    George Murray

    This is usually easily assessed within the first 30-45 seconds of triage.

  • Avatar
    Susan Marian Haas

    Oh Rujin

  • Avatar
    Morgan Smith

    In my own clinical experience, random serum asshole levels are never as sensitive or specific for the described condition as serial fibromyalgia levels. Check it out in NEJM next month.

  • Avatar
    Shawn Randall Felts

    Jaysun Cousins this needs to be included in NIPS triage.

  • Avatar
    Sheri Lochridge Connett

    We can usually diagnose based on symptoms.

  • Avatar
    Christine Godwin

    I wonder if we can get an iStat cartridge to do this at the bedside lol

  • Avatar
    Elena Clifford

    That should be part of Point of Care Testing. Especially at triage in the ER. Blood Glucose? Check. EKG? Check. AHL? Double check

  • Avatar
    Jonathan Donevant

    F**KING BRILLIANT!

  • Avatar
    Andy Hamill

    Ryan Price

  • Avatar
    Christine Shaffer

    Need a phlebotomist at the entryway of the hospital to measure family members’ levels at arrival…

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