BETHESDA, MD – Researchers at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) are giddy over a fantastic new blood test that can only be described as “amazeballs.” It is a new serum a**hole a**ay that can predict a patient’s propensity to be an … well, you know.
“Don’t you hate it when you see a patient who initially seems like a nice guy but then it turns out he’s a huge f**king a**hole?” asked well-respected NIH researcher Landon Jones. “I know I do. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a blood test that you could do right in the ED or in clinic and know if a guy’s going to be a huge pain in the neck? That was the basis for developing this test.”
Health care practitioners love, love, LOVE the new a**ay. When asked to comment, every single health care practitioner in the United States uttered the same exact two words emphatically: “F**KING BRILLIANT.”
According to initial studies, the serum a**hole a**ay is highly sensitive and highly specific when it comes to ruling out or ruling in A-holes, respectively. Though reference ranges will likely change over time, particularly with the release of more sensitive and more specific serum a**hole a**ays, these are the ones Jones and his research team have been currently using to classify patients:
- < 2.5: Nice Guy (Not an A**hole)
- 2.5 to 5.0: Quirky But Tolerable
- 5.0 to 7.5: Kind of a Jerk
- > 7.5: A**hole
- > 9.0: Morbid A**hole
“I know these reference ranges are right,” explained Jones, “because I applied them to my own family members. My brother is a 0 and my father-in-law is a 10 and that’s dead on. I love my brother, but man, my father-in-law can be such an…” Jones believes this will be a game-changer and expects the a**ay to be commercially available as early as 2016. “Unless it is ruined by some pricks in Capitol Hill or by the FDA,” added Jones sardonically. “Those guys are such…”
Of note, some small observational trials have shown that patients with high serum a**hole levels (1) have a very poor understanding on how to use pain scales, often using numbers greater than 10, and (2) have very low pain detector scores.
Jones and his NIH team are also working on a serum batsh*t crazy (BSC) assay, but that is still very early in the development process.
Show Comments
Shauna Kidney
Tonya do you utilize this test often??? Haha
Wendy Harmon
Make sure you draw it in a red top tube.
Jennifer Swenson
Yes Dr… Just calling to notify you of a critical value…lol
Jacqueline O’Grady
Jennifer Daly
Carly Ceccarelli
Brandon Hess, Joseph Stephen, Jeff Armstrong, Doris Herauf, Stephanie Wait, Heather Blasdell, Matthew Zamora
Christine Clarke
You don’t need a blood test, we already know hwo you are.
Christina Flynn
Advise caution, staff members sometimes need care and lord help us all if we ran this screening on staff or physicians.
Dianne Benz
However, will HIPPA prevent the results from being shared with all staff??
Kelly Robinson Bernado
Bahahaha F**KING BRILLIANT!!
Louise Bakalov
Usually a brain CT is the gold standard in ruling out asshole vs bleed
Natalia Hernandez-Hidden
Chatting all those critical values would get old…
Mellivora Capensis
F…ING BRILLIANT I’m >10 but don’t give a s…! Honeybadger don’t care. He’s BSC!
Matthew T. Eaton
I know plenty of people who would break the meter.
Julia Weber
I’m sorry Cole Thomas, we are not offering this test at this time.
Marshall McGough
Mine would be critical for sure they would have to recollect
Liz Blackmore Winders
Can we administer this to our OOP to confirm diagnosis?
Helen Aanstoos
Who needs to do a blood test for such an obvious syndrome?
Natalie Lois
Haha!!! About time they found a test for that!
Natalie Lois
Haha!!! About time they found a test for that!
Bogdan Kanar
Buy stock in this company ;)
Bogdan Kanar
Buy stock in this company ;)
Judith A Meinke
Don’t we all wish.
Jessika Stahl
Marjorie DeStefano
Cathy Carpenter Carelli
Gotta love modern medicine!
Jessica Simpson Cornett
Teresa Reed what do you know, I got it too.
Megan Lorge
Jenny Nelson Mandy Friedl
Teresa Reed
Snuffalupagus Jessica Simpson Cornett
Jessica Simpson Cornett
Teresa Reed I don’t need a blood test to diagnose you with that, you got it for sure.
Teresa Reed
Jessica Simpson Cornett
Kathleen Bylsma
Ahaahahaha!
Jessica Marshall
Haha very true!! It would just back up what we already know!
Austin Opitz
Hahaha that is hilarious!! Although I don’t think we need a blood test for me. I’ve proven myself time and time again.
Jessica Marshall
Austin Opitz it’s finally here!!
Alicia D. Fagan
too redundant
Jane Schwarz
Jessica Rolling :)
Hamed Salhab
lmao Bashar A Shehadeh gotta follow this site mad funny
Nate Schneider
Latefi Ali
Tom Crane
It’s probably a send out,so you just have to treat as if.
Paula Morgan McCorkle
love it!
Jessica Miller
Maybe it can be sold otc. I have some family to test!
Jamie May
Could make billions charging insurance for this! Oh wait, who has insurance anymore, lol
Marietta L. Welch Morhardt
Does this work for surgeons too?
George William Ellsworth
A test for being a butthole is great, a cure would be even better. When hospital worker wake me up at 2 or 4 am for vitals or at 6 am for a blood draw it would annoy the hell out of me and I know I was not smiling.
Adriann Fitzpatrick LaVergne
I LOVE THIS SITE!!!!!
Chelle Gilreath
finally a test to prove my suspicion
Alison Wing
Is there a point of care for this?
Jose Antonio Bello
Mine is out the roof
Charlene Noll
Megan Burke Maia Aitken the SAA has use!!!!
Jenny Lynn
Correlation with Serum Entitlement levels = 1.
Becky Ellsworth
Oh if this was only true
Cara Ryan Riley
I would like this drawn on all patients prior to their first visit
Kristy Ammons
Donnie Ammons
Mary Jo Stine Winfrey
This is a must!
Adrienne Kittridge
I have a few patients today with abnormal labs! They’re off the charts!
Steve Roshia Jr.
I want my unit to get with the times and get a protime calculator and a finger stick cbc reader but i will be retired by then
Steve Roshia Jr.
Fibromyalgia the “cant work wont work” disorder
Vadim Korkhov
Oh it’s a test on patients. I thought it was meant to be applied to some doctors.
Steve Roshia Jr.
There is a test called fm/a but its the closest thing and cannot with certainty confirm the diagnosis it doesnt exclude a myriad of other things basically about as close as a cbc diagnosing a uti
Steve Roshia Jr.
Lol speaking of blood tests i was having it out with a liberal social welfare wealth redistribution supporter and cited fibromyalgia being a epidemic in people who are on welfare they told me a simple blood test diagnoses it aaaand then i told them i was a nurse and the color drained from their face. There is no blood test
Leslie Witt
Cara Ryan Riley
Shannon Cox
Love the bat shit crazy, I use that term frequently
Sue Shelton
If we could request the results PRIOR to admitting someone, that would be great…
Scott Malone
I was wondering about these lab orders I have been seeing: CBC, BMP, AHP, and TSH. Lol
Karen Allen Creme
we could do this as a breath test on admit…
Debbie Rowe
Which could TOTALLY support our drive for aerosolized lorazepam. Clinical correlation needs, of course.
Debbie Rowe
Be great to spin this at bedside with a K+ and crit :D Truly Amazeballs!
Capone GiGi
POC testing is just what I was thinking too Elena! Could even use it in coworkers and visitors in a pinch.
Janet Rudd
Finally, we can get some codes for this diagnosis, too!
Susan Rivers Mulanax
Although im pretty sure we can all gauge that very well without a serum level.
George Murray
This is usually easily assessed within the first 30-45 seconds of triage.
Susan Marian Haas
Oh Rujin
Morgan Smith
In my own clinical experience, random serum asshole levels are never as sensitive or specific for the described condition as serial fibromyalgia levels. Check it out in NEJM next month.
Shawn Randall Felts
Jaysun Cousins this needs to be included in NIPS triage.
Sheri Lochridge Connett
We can usually diagnose based on symptoms.
Christine Godwin
I wonder if we can get an iStat cartridge to do this at the bedside lol
Elena Clifford
That should be part of Point of Care Testing. Especially at triage in the ER. Blood Glucose? Check. EKG? Check. AHL? Double check
Jonathan Donevant
F**KING BRILLIANT!
Andy Hamill
Ryan Price
Christine Shaffer
Need a phlebotomist at the entryway of the hospital to measure family members’ levels at arrival…