Antibiotic Combination Pill Approved for All Pediatric Infections

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WASHINGTON, DC – Vancolinezodoxycillimyciflagylnox, brand named “Cureall,” a combination pill developed by Amalgamated Pharmaceuticals containing all known oral antibiotics, was approved yesterday for pediatric infections after a review by the FDA.  The medication, indicated for all pediatric infections of any variety, has intrigued experts who are enthusiastic about the medication’s potential to redesign medicine.

“We are very excited about Cureall as it takes the ‘guesswork’ out of pediatric medicine,” a spokesman from Amalgamated Pharmaceuticals stated.  “Our expectation is that every kid with a fever, sore throat, or stuffy nose should be offered this medication.  Any young patient who walks into an ER, urgent care clinic, or office now can receive this pill and we can be certain that they will get better within a few days.”

Some insurance companies, while partly dissuaded by the high cost of the medication of $800 per 10-day course, have had preliminary discussions to allow the medication to be authorized and prescribed over the phone by an insurance company representative.  A spokeswoman from Humana stated, “This medication could save billions of dollars from unnecessary ED and clinic visits.  Without the need to perform diagnosis before treatment, we also see the potential to eliminate the need for expensive and painful urine and blood tests and radiation-causing X-rays.”

Some experts are critical of Cureall, citing the possibility of antibiotic resistance, side effects, the possibility of killing beneficial bacteria leading to a C. diff infection, medication allergies, and the fact that most pediatric infections are viral.

Amalgamated Pharmaceuticals downplays those concerns.  “We are confident that antibiotic resistance could be a thing of the past,” their spokesman replied.  “This medication attacks all infections in so many ways that no bacteria could possibly survive one full course of this medication.  It’s foolproof.”

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  • Milli of Dilli

    After picking up the basics of medicine by watching TV shows, I moved to LA, forged a medical school diploma, and somehow found some success in the late 80’s as an event physician for major Hollywood events. However, it all came crashing down while working the 1990 Grammy awards. While “Girl You Know it’s True” was being played live, a stagehand went into cardiac arrest and I was called upon to help. Unfortunately, as I tried to lip-sync CPR instructions, the speaker on my cassette player stopped working and I was exposed for a fraud. After serving time in prison, I went to medical school and residency and I finished training to become an Emergency Medicine physician. Instead of using this training and knowledge for good, I decided to abuse it to become a professional drug seeker. Armed with advanced medical knowledge, my quest remains to go from ED to ED searching out the drug seeker’s Holy Grail: syringes filled with 1mg of hydromorphone, the so-called “Milli of Dilli.” While I am not drug seeking, I have decided to write medical satire posing as a typical First World emergency physician. My website, with my other satirical articles that did not make it into Gomerblog, can be found at http://www.firstworldem.com and my twitter handle is @firstworldem

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Byron Whyte, MD

    This. All day. MT : RT Antibiotic CombO Pill Approved for all Pediatric Infections – http://t.co/cDg1AA5jc4 #meded #FOAMed #hcsm

  • Avatar
    Lisa Keith

    And it must cure all symptoms in one dose so the parents don’t have to return to the er in less than 24 hours complaining the medication hasn’t “worked”

  • Avatar
    Kelly Healy

    Rob Goldstein finally

  • Avatar
    Paul Groves

    Zoe

  • Avatar
    John Holbrook

    Perfect no kid will poo right ever again.

  • Avatar
    John Holbrook

    Perfect no kid will poo right ever again.

  • Avatar
    Aimee Briggs

    David Foley

  • Avatar
    Levi Procter

    Comes with consent for colectomy and permanent ileostomy.

  • Avatar
    Michael Northrop

    I wanted market a drug called “Doubt.” It’s a nebulized version of zithromax, rocephin, steroids and albuterol, all in one. So whatever the kid comes in with you can give them a dose of Doubt then send them to the emergency department for further eval.

  • Avatar
    Amanda Jouppi

    lol! My thoughts exactly!

  • Avatar
    Jon Houser

    If only we were British…

  • Avatar
    Dave OrthoDoc

    Liz Dalstrom here’s a great new option for your patients’ parents

  • Avatar
    Elizabeth Cromwell

    Jaron Cromwell

  • Avatar
    Susan Thompson-Dancer

    Indicated for one day of nasal congestion??

  • Avatar
    John Haley

    The adult version is a vitamin b12 shot… they’ve had it for years..

  • Avatar
    Matthew Hahn

    Yay!!

  • Avatar
    Valeree Gold Stout

    Does it also contain Al-Cure-ol, & can it be given nebulized?

  • Avatar
    Becky Canady Mansfield Paschal

    Lol! I love it.

  • Avatar
    Jack Guida

    Great! When is the adult version coming out?

  • Avatar
    Caroline Herron

    Caoimhín O’Ceallacháin !!!!

  • Avatar
    John Haley

    How long before it’s linked to increased rates of sensory integration hyperactivity autistic spectrum disorder (the dreaded SIHASD) that big pharma suppressed from the trial results?

  • Avatar
    Michael Julian

    Probably should administer with a course of paracetamoxyfrusobendroneomycin just to be sure…

  • Avatar
    Jennifer Passantino

    A pill? But, even adults can’t swallow pills!

  • Avatar
    Michaela Lieb

    It’s got the po vanc and Flagyl in it already, so it should cover the C.diff concern, right?

  • Avatar
    Rachel Roberts

    Jenna Strother here’s Peds for ya.

  • Avatar
    Eileen Left

    The doc or RN is going to give the pill to my kid right? Cuz when I try he says no. ;?

  • Avatar
    CPAMED-RX

    ugh. Nuclear bomb

  • Avatar
    Kristen Stuppy, MD

    If only it were this easy! Some will read this and ask for it over the phone now that this story is out there… :-0

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