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Exciting New Treatment for “Status Dramaticus” Released Today by the FDA and NIH

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BETHESDA, MD – Breaking news today from the FDA and NIH researchers in Bethesda,  MD.  A new treatment for Status Dramaticus (SD) has been shown to be promising in curing this debilitating disease.  Researchers from the NIH have been studying SD for years now and their new breakthrough involves combining the simple, yet overlooked techniques of Normale Saline fast push and just walking away.

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“Remember, fast push and then leave the room”

SD symptoms include wailing, shrieking, whimpering, groaning, bawling, or whining in a high-pitched voice upon seeing hospital workers typically in the ER.  Serious cases of SD include flailing of extremities uncontrollably on the hospital gurney, or turning stiff as a board.  Until recently, the only treatment available seemed to be high doses of benzodiazepines, opioids, or essentially whatever the patient was asking for prior to having an acute episode of SD.

“Fantastic news today,” claimed ER nurse Bill Flemmington.  “Finally, another alternative to our current treatment of just flogging Status Dramaticus with Ativan (times) enough to stop the insanity.”

Initial results reveal that over 75% of Status Dramaticus patients improved with just one dose of Normale Saline followed by hospital workers walking away.  A second dose of Normale Saline again followed by leaving the room cured upwards of 98% of cases.  In fact, after a second dose, those 98% were able to physically walk themselves out of the ER unassisted straight into an awaiting Uber, which now have preset destinations to other ERs.  The other 2% probably had a misdiagnosis of SD and likely had Status Epilepticus (SE).  Oops.

Somehow ignoring or not being in close proximity to the patient in SD appears to greatly improve their symptoms.  In fact, being at least 30 yards away from the patient in SD results in maximal improvement in symptoms.

“I can’t wait to give my next SD patient a big dose of Normale Saline followed by me bolting out of the room,” said EM physician Samantha Hellers.  “I am glad I found a way to differentiate SD from SE.”

It took decades of research to put the two classic treatment protocols of Normale Saline and walking away together.  Emergency departments everywhere are cheering the new discovery!

  • Doktor Schnabel

    Plague doctor from 1622 who practices blood letting and medical satire. My beak has mint leaves and straw to protect myself from the plague...plus it looks good.

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