CHICAGO, IL—Citing decades’ worth of experience using the drug to treat all types of viral respiratory infections, the nation’s primary care physicians (PCPs) are leading the charge against the novel coronavirus by turning to an old, trustworthy friend: the Z-Pak. Indeed, anxious COVID-19 patients everywhere report feeling relieved as soon as they secure a coveted Z-Pak prescription from their doctor.

“I’ve been feeling crummy for days—fever, chills, cough, muscle aches; you name it, I have it,” said one patient who tested positive for coronavirus, “but I just know I’m gonna feel better real quick cause my doc just prescribed me a Z-Pak. Thank god there’s a proven treatment for this awful pandemic.”

“For decades,” said his doctor, Megan Sue Purbugz, “we’ve been giving azithromycin to patients with viral infections. It’s what the patients want, it makes them happy, and, most importantly, it gets them out of my office. So, why would I do anything differently for the coronavirus?”

When pressed about the wisdom of treating a virus with an antibacterial medication, Dr. Purbugz became quite defensive. “Look, my COVID-19 patients don’t wanna be lectured for the millionth time about how antibiotics don’t kill viruses. They just want me to give them something—anything—to treat their infection. Believe me, these people have no f**king clue whether the coronavirus is a virus or bacterium anyway.” Indeed, polls indicate that her last statement is horrifyingly accurate, even with the word ‘virus’ right in its name.

Needless to say, Infectious Disease specialists are furious over what they call “extremely irresponsible behavior” by their Internal Medicine colleagues. “Oh screw ‘em!” said Dr. Purbugz, “Nobody asked them. I just tell those smart-ass ID guys to mind their own business when it comes to my COVID-19 patients. I mean, I’m sorry, but I don’t recall requesting an ID consult—I don’t need them to tell me to provide supportive care. Go develop a real treatment for this virus, and then maybe I’ll call you. Until then, it’s Z-Pak time all day everyday, baby!”

WARWICK, NY – A team of farmers in upstate New York have successfully infused apples with 80 mg of atorvastatin in the hopes it keeps even more doctors away on a daily basis.

“They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, and my doctor and nurse friends joke about putting statins in the water because of their health benefits,” explained apple farmer Fred Delicious. “It only seemed natural to put one and one together.”

Two years ago, Delicious and his team not only successfully grew the world’s first atorvastatin trees, but he was able to crossbreed them with his McIntosh apple orchard. He remembers tasting his first atorvastatin-McIntosh.

“I was shocked to realize it tasted just as good as one of my normal apples but with the added benefit of primary or secondary prevention,” he told Gomerblog. “Ever since I’ve started eating these, I haven’t seen a doctor in sight. I keep trying to schedule an appointment but they really are staying away from me.”

In the two years since, Delicious has been able to develop and harvest numerous combinations of statins and apples. His two favorite varieties are pravastatin-Empire and rosuvastatin-Jonagold.

Statin-infused apples carry several side effects, which include abnormal hepatic function tests, myalgias, and elevated creatine phosphokinase (or CPK).

“The elevation of CPK isn’t too bad, but the benefits are still overwhelming,” Delicious said, hoping two of these apples a day keeps him alive for a long while longer. “I can’t say the same of our cocaine-infused apples, those can really cause some terrible rhabdo.”

After a recent travel mishap during one of his 8 weeks paid vacation, Primary Care Administrator Dewey Kaer was struck with a flash of inspiration.

“While I was sitting in the airport complaining to my travel secretary about getting bumped on the last flight out of the Canary Islands for the week, I realized this had application in my work as well,” Kaer noted during a phone conversation while contacted during his most recent escape to another exotic locale.

As a result, his small clinic routinely schedules at 110% of capacity to account for No-Shows and cancellations. On the days when they are over capacity, some patients are “bumped” to another day and given a voucher for a cup of office coffee at their next visit as “compensation for their time.”

When asked about the process of determining who gets bumped, Kaer volunteered “The perception that it is based on payer is not necessarily correct,” before adding that “it’s not necessarily incorrect either.”

Other organizations are monitoring to see if the new approach works and may follow their lead and even expand on the idea.

An administrator that declined to be named praised the innovative approach modeled after the airlines. “I think Dewey is onto something there. Why not incorporate cancellation fees when a patient cancels less than a week in advance or charging an additional fee if they bring up more than one chief complaint,” the source said.

Nomar Paine, who runs Health Haven of Helena worries about the impact these changes might have on patient satisfaction scores if they are not implemented in a thoughtful way. “It’s a new world in Healthcare, to be sure, but you will have to come up with a way to distract the patient from the fact sustainability is becoming more important than their health,” Mr. Paine noted.

When we attempted to reach Dewey Kaer to see how he is approaching the subject, we were told he was unavailable for comment, but for a small fee our message would receive a higher priority if and when he returned to the office.

“We were flabbergasted and checked our calculations five times,” said epidemiologist Jerry Atrick.  “But based on the falling birth rate in industrialized nations, increasing infant mortality in developing nations, and an increasing worldwide lifespan due to medical advances- there is no doubt that the world will be inhabited entirely by elderly adults within the next thirty years.”

At their celebratory party, the American Association of Geriatricians issued this official statement: “We look forward to providing holistic and patient-centered care for the entire world, we also look forward to moving from one of the lowest paying specialties to the top of the food chain. Suck on that pediatric interventional radiologists!”

In anticipation of this change in customer demographic, infant formula maker Mead Johnson announced it would be slowly cutting back on its specialty formulas and rolling out a new line of “Enfamil Silver” geared toward geriatric consumers. New products will include “Prune Flavored High Fiber”, “Salted Caramel Prostate Health”, and a potential blockbuster “Mango Palliative Care with extra fentanyl”

The hardest hit professional society, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) announced it would rebrand itself to the “American Association of Retired Pediatricians” AARP in order to compete with the powerful geriatric lobbying group: the AARP.

AAP president Dr. Prie Mee said in an interview “In order to adapt to this stunning announcement, we are not just changing our name to match another similarly named group geared towards old people who are no longer useful to society, but also adapting our medical terminology: for example the traditional Tanner staging of 1-5 will be replaced by Tanner stages 6-100. Another example of our adjustment includes changing our “Bright Futures anticipatory guidance resource” to the “Dark Evenings end-of-life discussion guide”

Neonatologist Priya Tirm had this to say, “I am not worried at all, after all, a common adage in pediatrics is that “Adults are just big infants”. For example, while moonlighting at urgent care yesterday I saw an elderly gentleman for ear pain. We typically dose amoxicillin at 90 mg/kg for otitis media, so for this 200 kg portly gentleman- that came out to roughly 18,000 mg of amoxicillin daily. He walked out of there a satisfied customer, I think I handled that really well.

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—High-density lipoprotein (HDL) cholesterol, the so-called “good” cholesterol that helpfully clears away cholesterol deposits from arteries, is tired of always being the good one and is now breaking bad. Totally done with being a goody-two-shoes, HDL says it intends to “outbad” its cousin LDL, the notorious “bad” cholesterol.

“It’s gone ballistic!” said Walter W., a chemist at a top pharmaceutical company who’s hastily trying to develop a drug to stop the rogue HDL. “It’s firing fat and cholesterol everywhere, clogging up arteries, turning flat bellies into potbellies and potbellies into elephant bellies. In the past, HDL would return cholesterol to the liver for processing; now it’s completely ignoring the liver. If we don’t stop it soon, it will make everybody oversized.”

“Never seen anything like it,” said ER doc, Hank S. “An oversized guy presented in heart failure—his tests then showed his entire heart musculature had been replaced by fat! Another dude had an MI and literally every vessel entering, exiting and within the heart was completely occluded by fat and cholesterol. One other guy sweated out so much fat one night that when he woke up, he was encased in a shell of fat. These people have no shot—this new big, bad HDL is a killer, worse than LDL ever was.”

This unexpected heel turn by HDL has shaken most doctors to the core. But not everyone is surprised that HDL is acting out. “I’ve been seeing HDL for years,” said J. Melfi, a molecular psychologist—an expert in the behavior of molecules—who agreed to break confidentiality since her client has been deemed a threat to others. “HDL is having an identity crisis. It’s just plain tired of being seen as good. Like a nice guy craving the attention that bad guys get from women, HDL yearns for the attention that the bad LDL gets. It doesn’t matter that the attention LDL gets is from doctors who are trying to destroy it. Any attention is good attention in its mind.”

HDL is also puzzled by other parts of its name, not just the “good” part, complaining, “Why am I called high-density? Are they calling me “dense”? They think I’m stupid?!”

It also hates the “cholesterol” part of its name. “I’m so much more complex than just cholesterol,” correctly opined the HDL particle which also consists of proteins, phospholipids and triglycerides.

“It’s just so confused,” said Dr. Melfi. “I know deep down HDL is really good, but right now it’s acting like the world’s biggest villain. I just can’t get through to it anymore.”

Take, for example, this recent tirade by HDL after Dr. Melfi warned it that it may be in grave danger with chemists like Walter W. hard at work making drugs to stop it. “Let me clue you in on something!” the HDL particle snapped. “You really think I’m in danger? No, I am the danger! You look at me and think some hack scientist is gonna develop a drug to block me? No. I am the one who blocks (arteries). I am the one who blocks!”

“Say my name!” HDL then demanded of Melfi. To which Melfi sheepishly said, “Uh, Very Bad Cholesterol?” and HDL angrily replied, “No! Call me Oversizenberg!”

COOKEVILLE, TN – A local gastroenterologist by the name of Baxter Jones completely shocked patient Mason Watts and his family when he flat out told them that Watts was simply full of sh*t.

“He told my husband that he was ‘utterly full of sh*t,'” explained Mrs. Kathryn Watts, the shock subsiding and replaced with disappointment and anger.  Her look was one of incredulity.  The hands on her hips emphasized the same.  “This behavior is unprofessional.  How can a doctor say that?  He barely heard my husband out.  Is this how he treats all of his patients?”

Watts hasn’t had a bowel movement in three weeks.  The last thing he needed was to be called a liar.

“Of all the things I could lie about, why would I lie about this?” Watt exclaimed, his abdomen distended.  He told Gomerblog he only rarely passes gas, but does have a lot of nausea and vomiting.  “A man’s gotta poop.  It’s been three weeks for Pete’s sake, three weeks!  I’m here for help, not to be falsely accused.”

Mrs. Watts initially responded to Dr. Jones inappropriate statement by stating this was a serious matter, that, in fact, she and their two children were also unable to have bowel movements for several weeks.

“‘You’re all full of sh*t!’ Dr. Jones said straight to all of our faces,” Mrs. Watts relayed.  “Can you believe it?!  What nerve!”

Dr. Jones recommended basic imaging for the entire family, though the Watts family declined, unsure why he would order abdominal imaging if he thought they were all pulling this out of their a**es.  Dr. Jones didn’t seem fazed and recommended everyone start on some sort of bowel regimen.  The Watts family couldn’t believe their gastroenterologist wasn’t taking them seriously.  They stormed out of the office and got a second opinion.

“I hate to say it but Dr. Jones is right, y’all are full of sh*t, a whole load of it,” said general surgeon Dr. Kate McInnis, who suggested that the situation might become dire and would require surgical evacuation.  “Maybe it’s a genetic thing, but clearly you’re all full of it.”

TAMPA, FL – In a stunning display of insensitivity, Dr. Byron Myrtle is in hot water over accusations of body shaming and cyber bullying. Dr. Myrtle, who runs a successful Family Practice Clinic in downtown Tampa, has been accused of sending his patients healthy recipes and exercise regimens through his online portal. “I just want my patients to be happy and healthy this New Year”, said Dr. Myrtle about the abusive and heartless messages.

For patient Susan Gouda, this was a line that should never be crossed. Ms. Gouda, who weighs over three hundred pounds, and whose medical problems include diabetes, hypertension and coronary artery disease found the messages to be “Disgusting” and “Hateful”.

“I almost couldn’t believe it. But there it was in my inbox, just after my insulin prescription, a message about healthy living”, Ms. Gouda said about the incident. “I never thought I would be body shamed by my own doctor”, she continued, while finishing her third box of doughnuts.

“It’s not my fault I have a slow metabolism and under-active thyroid”, according to Brett Pastry, who eats roughly six thousand calories per day and has never exercised a day in his life. On review of medical records submitted by Mr. Pastry, no thyroid abnormalities were discovered.

At press time, Dr. Myrtle had issued a public apology and announced that he would be attending sensitivity training in an effort to regain the trust of his patients.

WESTCHESTER, NY – Local mother and divorcee Tiffany Smith accompanied her 18 year old daughter Kaycie Smith into the exam room, clinic staff confirmed. Kaycie, who currently lives with her father in
Armonk, stated the encounter was significantly worse than last year, and fears the trend will
continue for future yearly physical exams.

“I don’t know why she insists on being IN the room for my yearly physical. I guess it made
sense when I was like 8 or 9, but now……ugh,” Kaycie shuddered

Kaycie, who revealed she was interested in getting both a prescription for birth control and an
HPV vaccination before attending college now fears she won’t be able to obtain either as long
as her mother is in the room.

While the physician attempted to obtain a sexual history from Kaycie, Mrs. Smith reportedly
interjected, “Of course she hasn’t been having sex! Don’t you dare suggest such a thing! She’s
a normal teenager, Doctor!”

This led to a very uncomfortable discussion about the HPV Vaccine, during which Mrs. Smith
repeatedly claimed that her daughter both wouldn’t need the shot and would also get cancer
from it according to her local mommy facebook page.

Kaycie was seen staring at the floor throughout the altercation and was visibly distraught as Mrs. Smith began googling “Why HPV Vaccine is Bad” on her phone and reading the results aloud to the physician and later on to those in the waiting room.

During the physical itself, Mrs. Smith insisted on being present and would not leave the room
or turn away despite repeated requests from her daughter. The entire situation came to a head
when Mrs. Smith began describing her daughter’s menstrual cycle and asked if her daughter’s
body proportions were “normal.”

A GomerBlog representative caught up with Kaycie and Mrs. Smith after the exam:
“I wasn’t sure at first if I should go in the exam room with my daughter this time,” Mrs. Smith
recalled “I’m usually so confident in my ability to make my children and their doctors visibly
uncomfortable, but last week I tried to go in with my son Kayden and he actually said he didn’t
need me! I was so shocked they had already closed the door before I could respond.

Obviously I was shaken to my core.” “But today I was prepared! I had just gotten 10 likes on my latest social media post, I was feeling good, everything just felt right! So I went right in and sat down next to the exam table, asking prying questions and stopping my daughter from giving any silly answers her doctor.

What a rush!” Kaycie had more to say as her mom discussed vaccine inserts with a pregnant woman in the waiting room:

“I know that since I’m 18 I can legally have her not be in the room, but I’d rather have 20
minutes of awkwardness now than 8 hours of screaming and blaming me for dad leaving her
once we get home. Either way I’m going to University soon, I can just go to a walk-in clinic
there for a ‘Cold’ and get the pills and shots I need.

On Thursday, September 27th of the year 2018, Dr. Lauren Deeply Indebt received the shock of her life: a young healthy male presented to her primary care clinic without any genitourinary complaints.

“I’m just here to be proactive about my health,” the patient stated. (We have kept this patient’s identity anonymous for his protection.)

At first, Dr. Indebt believed this to be another case of delayed chief complaint. In other words, she thought that like with other young male patients, he would wait until their visit was complete and she placed her hand on the doorknob to mention the ulcerative penile lesions that originally brought him in.

But this did not occur. And in fact, his denial of any risky sexual behavior practices was not the end of this series of incredulous events.

“Are you sure you don’t do any drugs?” she pressed while filling in his social history in the chart.

“Nah,” he replied. “I dabbled in college but I didn’t like it.”

“Not even marijuana?” she gasped, recalling that it is now legalized in Massachusetts.

The patient shook his head and stated, “Makes me too anxious.”

When asked how often he drinks alcohol, the patient smiled and stated, “Only a glass of eggnog at Christmas with my family.”

Dr. Indebt recalls this office visit with detailed clarity.

“He didn’t even ask me for STI testing,” she remembers. “And then when I brought it up, he smiled and agreed because he said that one should always know their HIV status even without overt risk factors. I nearly fell off my stool.”

The patient also agreed to a flu vaccine without any follow up questions.

We asked Dr. Indebt if this experience has changed her medical practice, and she reports that it has completely transformed the way she cares for young male patients.

“Whenever I used to see a twenty-something-year-old cisgender male on my schedule, I assumed he was going to no-show,” she explains. “Now, I realize that I actually have to work that slot too.”

She also states that she has learned not to assume the worst of these patients when they do visit: “I always used to order STI testing ahead of time, but now, I recognize that I have to ask them if it even applies. Who knows? The next patient may not even be sexually active at all,” she says with a warm smile. “You have to treat the patient as an individual, not as a peg in the patriarchy.”

We tried to reach out to the patient for comment, but he has since been lost to follow up.

With parents struggling to get their kids to eat their vegetables, some doctors have developed a new workaround.

“We used to just use nasogastric (NG) tubes for our patients who couldn’t swallow safely,” said Pediatrician Dr. Kaitlin McDonald. “But now, we’ve found that we can use the same technology to get vegetables into the bellies of rebellious children.”

Using her extensive knowledge of the NG tube’s nutrition potential, Dr. McDonald and her team have developed several veggie-based NG foods. So far, they have formulated only variants of broccoli and Brussels sprouts.

Dr. McDonald and others have recommended a three-strike framework for kids that say no to eating vegetables. “If they refuse the healthy food more than three times, just put in an NG tube and bypass the taste buds!” she stated.

Several pediatrics clinics have pioneered the three-strike policy with willing parents. So far, it’s clear that the children are quite opposed. “This is to be expected,” stated Dr. McDonald. “Honestly, what child ever knows what’s best for his or her health?”

Despite the lack of interest from children, Dr. McDonald reports she remains optimistic about the future potential of her concept. “We’re actively working on a lima bean line. The options are endless!”