WARWICK, NY – A team of farmers in upstate New York have successfully infused apples with 80 mg of atorvastatin in the hopes it keeps even more doctors away on a daily basis.

“They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, and my doctor and nurse friends joke about putting statins in the water because of their health benefits,” explained apple farmer Fred Delicious. “It only seemed natural to put one and one together.”

Two years ago, Delicious and his team not only successfully grew the world’s first atorvastatin trees, but he was able to crossbreed them with his McIntosh apple orchard. He remembers tasting his first atorvastatin-McIntosh.

“I was shocked to realize it tasted just as good as one of my normal apples but with the added benefit of primary or secondary prevention,” he told Gomerblog. “Ever since I’ve started eating these, I haven’t seen a doctor in sight. I keep trying to schedule an appointment but they really are staying away from me.”

In the two years since, Delicious has been able to develop and harvest numerous combinations of statins and apples. His two favorite varieties are pravastatin-Empire and rosuvastatin-Jonagold.

Statin-infused apples carry several side effects, which include abnormal hepatic function tests, myalgias, and elevated creatine phosphokinase (or CPK).

“The elevation of CPK isn’t too bad, but the benefits are still overwhelming,” Delicious said, hoping two of these apples a day keeps him alive for a long while longer. “I can’t say the same of our cocaine-infused apples, those can really cause some terrible rhabdo.”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.