CHICAGO, IL—Citing decades’ worth of experience using the drug to treat all types of viral respiratory infections, the nation’s primary care physicians (PCPs) are leading the charge against the novel coronavirus by turning to an old, trustworthy friend: the Z-Pak. Indeed, anxious COVID-19 patients everywhere report feeling relieved as soon as they secure a coveted Z-Pak prescription from their doctor.

“I’ve been feeling crummy for days—fever, chills, cough, muscle aches; you name it, I have it,” said one patient who tested positive for coronavirus, “but I just know I’m gonna feel better real quick cause my doc just prescribed me a Z-Pak. Thank god there’s a proven treatment for this awful pandemic.”

“For decades,” said his doctor, Megan Sue Purbugz, “we’ve been giving azithromycin to patients with viral infections. It’s what the patients want, it makes them happy, and, most importantly, it gets them out of my office. So, why would I do anything differently for the coronavirus?”

When pressed about the wisdom of treating a virus with an antibacterial medication, Dr. Purbugz became quite defensive. “Look, my COVID-19 patients don’t wanna be lectured for the millionth time about how antibiotics don’t kill viruses. They just want me to give them something—anything—to treat their infection. Believe me, these people have no f**king clue whether the coronavirus is a virus or bacterium anyway.” Indeed, polls indicate that her last statement is horrifyingly accurate, even with the word ‘virus’ right in its name.

Needless to say, Infectious Disease specialists are furious over what they call “extremely irresponsible behavior” by their Internal Medicine colleagues. “Oh screw ‘em!” said Dr. Purbugz, “Nobody asked them. I just tell those smart-ass ID guys to mind their own business when it comes to my COVID-19 patients. I mean, I’m sorry, but I don’t recall requesting an ID consult—I don’t need them to tell me to provide supportive care. Go develop a real treatment for this virus, and then maybe I’ll call you. Until then, it’s Z-Pak time all day everyday, baby!”

Proton Pimp
Adorned in a stylish white fur coat, ravishing purple silk suit and a dozen gold necklaces, I spend my nights lounging in luxury and delivering beautiful bursts of acidic commentary about those in the medical field who deserve it—which, let’s face it, is pretty much everybody. Some may be offended, but I simply can’t be stopped; that is, except by my mortal nemesis: the dreaded Proton Pimp Inhibitor. Until recently, that little purple shill very effectively blocked the release of my most acidic work. But no longer! In addition to my lavish lifestyle, I also enjoy reading romance novels, listening to hit songs by Toto on loop, and staring at my Betty White pin-up calendar. Follow him at @TheProtonP on Twitter!!