JUST WEST OF SESAME STREET – Holy sexiness, Batman!  So much has been happening in the news recently that it’s hard to lose sight of what really matters, which is why Gomerblog is here to report that Cookie Monster – yes, that Cookie Monster – is looking hotter and sexier than ever!  Slim, trim, and still with those seductive googly eyes, Cookie Monster was spotted recently showing off his new hot bod in a nearby Whole Foods earlier today.

“Me Veggie Monster.  Me Fruit Monster.  That all there is to it,” Cookie Monster told Gomerblog between bites of quinoa and spinach, his taut blue fur glistening under the lighting of the produce aisle, poetry in motion.  “Me love to eat fruits.  Me love to eat veggies.  Om nom nom nom!”

Cookie Monster doesn’t seem to be worried if he alienates his followers who adore his gluttonous sweet tooth.  “Who care if me eat carrot or collard greens,” he explained, performing bicep curls with his shopping basket full of fresh vegetation.  It’s hard not to stare.  “Me also like broccoli and lettuce and lima beans.”  When asked how he prefers to prepare his fruits and vegetables, he replied, “Sometimes me eat whole, sometimes me chew it.  Om nom nom nom!”

Good God, he’s SMOKIN’.

After several bouts of diabetic ketoacidosis due to his 100,000 calorie cookie-only diet, the now ridiculously-toned muppet cleaned up his diet, gave up sweets, and over the past year he has not only shed the weight, losing about 150 lbs. and getting his HBA1c under 8 for the first time in decades, but feels better and more confident than ever.

“Me sexy bitch!” Cookie Monster said, rubbing his nipples.

Ryan Gosling, George Clooney: you got nothing on Sesame Street’s newest heartthrob.  Cookie Monster has brought sexy back and he’s doing it with kale, baby!  You’ll never look at carrots the same way.  Way to go, Cookie Monster, on making us swoon and setting a good example for our children at the same time.  Healthy living FTW!

LOCKHART, TX – Say goodbye to the Texas red grapefruit as the official state fruit of Texas.  Texas legislators will meet later tomorrow in Lockhart, also known BBQ Capital of Texas, to officially name the beef rib as the new official state fruit of Texas.

“Money doesn’t grow on trees and neither do beef ribs,” commented Texas representative Eric Black, who smells of burnt oak and glee.  “That being said, beef ribs are delicious and nutritious and that’s why it’ll be named the official fruit of our wonderful state.”

Since the turn of the century, the consumption of beef ribs has dwarfed that of Texas red grapefruit, which was made the official state fruit of Texas back in 1993.  To this day, many Texan pitmasters are unaware of the existence of apples, bananas, and peaches, let alone Texas red grapefruit.  This led many to question if Texas red grapefruit was really the right fruit to represent the Lone Star State in the first place.  The first step was taken to correct this issue back in 2001 when Texas lawmakers reclassified the holy trinity of beef – beef ribs, brisket, and sausage – as fruits and vegetables.

“I’m very pleased with my patients,” commented primary care physician Christine Kreuz.  “Ever since 2001, my patients have really made sure they get their 8-12 servings of fruits and vegetables every day, which are usually smoked at low heat for hours upon hours and served on butcher paper.”

“These new fruits and vegetables are just delicious, so delicious,” explained vegetarian Elaine Smitty.  Her favorite fruit is fatty brisket.  “It was only a matter of time before the state fruit changed.  I can’t think of anyone who’s opposed to it.”

Like brisket and sausage, beef ribs also flower from the cow.  Texans prefer fruits that are juicy, have a nice salt-and-pepper crust, smoke ring, and flesh that falls off the bone.  Many Texans find Texas grapefruit to taste too “sweet,” “bitter,” and “tangy,” with a “tremendous lack of salt,” “blood,” and “succulent fatty goodness.”

According to sources close to GomerBlog, Texas legislators plan to reconvene sometime next week to announce Lipitor and heart disease as the official state medication and heart condition of Texas, respectively.