DETROIT, MI – According to retired neurosurgeon and presidential hopeful Ben Carson, patients who have died due to acute myocardial infarctions or “heart attacks” could have saved their own lives if they had simply undergone medicine residency and cardiology fellowship and become proficient to perform cardiac catheterizations on themselves in order to angioplasty or stent any occluded coronary arteries.
“Heart attack victims just clutch their chests and collapse to the ground,” explained Carson, as he rolled his eyes and spoke with idiotic conviction. “If I had suffered a heart attack, I would’ve busted out a copy of Hurst’s The Heart and got down to business by applying to medicine and cardiology programs nationwide so that I could take myself to the cath lab and evaluate my own coronaries.”
This comment comes shortly after recent remarks to the media about how he would have both tackled a gunman if faced with a shooting or outran lava if he were a volcano victim when Mount Vesuvius erupted 2,000 years ago. “It’s just street smarts,” added Carson. “Unlike everyone else past, present, or future, I’m not stupid.”
When asked about what he would do in the event of cardiopulmonary arrest due to ventricular tachycardia or fibrillation, Carson didn’t hesitate to vehemently explain that he would have instinctively “self-performed CPR” and “shocked myself after acquiring the power of electricity manipulation, not unlike the Emperor in Return of the Jedi.” He said he would “intubated myself” too and “completed critical care fellowship” in order to provide his own care in the intensive care unit (ICU).
GomerBlog will continue to follow Dr. Carson as he dispenses more commonsensical advice to patients and healthcare providers across the country. Until then, if you suffer a heart attack or any other life-threatening condition, just listen to Dr. Carson and “suck it up.”