My mother, a biology teacher, turned me onto infectious diseases (ID) when I was just a prezcobix youngster, feeding me documentaries on parasites and letting me stay in bed all day to read The Hot Zone.  My interests grew and by college, I genvoyaged to Africa where I worked on various public health projects and was quick to descovy my passion for medicine and decided to return to school to become a doctor. I enjoyed working on a combivir of medical and public health projects, which I think has led naturally into my interest in infectious diseases.

I believe I will make a great infectious diseases doctor because I am atripla threat: a caring clinician, curious researcher, and dedicated teacher. I realize that being an ID fellow requires intelence and edurant to get through. I have prided myself in being both an excellent student and athlete and I promise if you selzentry me into your program you won’t be disappointed.

After three years of residency, I have learned the ABC’s of clinical medicine. My favorite part of residency has been my time spent working in the HIV clinic. I love studying syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia, and hope to continue studying these 3-To-C if I can be the best STD fellow you’ve ever had. Additionally, when working in the hospital, you will find that I neverapine complain about taking extra consults.

I also have a natural inclination towards teaching and enjoy helping PrEP medical students to become excellent doctors as well. I always triumeq my students look good on rounds. Moreover, I emtricitabeing a good role model for them.

Finally, I want to fuzeon my interests in clinical medicine and research. I have not wavered in my love of ID, norvir-ed off course in my passion for global health, and I hope to build an exciting research career in global health. My interest in medicine blossomed in Africa and whenever possible I try tivicay back there or in similarly tropical places.

I truvada wanna come to your program and I believe I will be a really good match. I odeffsy will not disappoint you. I am trying to prezista urge to keep writing about my love of other aspects of ID. I already had to bactrim this personal statement. It’s too bad that I harvoni one page to tell you about my interests but I hope you invite me for an interview. Let s-tribilding a beautiful future together!

NEW YORK, NY – Focusing 2017 research and development dollars on the final sentence of their tagline “Trojan. Pleasure you want. Protection You Trust.,” Trojan has introduced a new line of bulletproof condoms that not only protect against sexually-transmitted infections like syphilis and gonorrhea, but also militant organizations like ISIS and Al Qaeda.

“Our latest condoms feature Kevlar that is not only pleasurable for you and for her, but also will deflect bullets should you be under the line of fire as you approach coitus,” added Trojan spokesperson Devin Townsend, adding that these condoms can survive the harsh conditions of Raqqa or a woman’s vagina.  “If you encounter an STD [sexually-transmitted disease] or IED [improvised explosive device], know you’ll be protected.”

In preliminary tests, male volunteers who wore the new condoms and proceeded to have their genitals shot at by both heavy-duty artillery and infected body fluids universally agreed that the experience was intensely pleasurable despite the skull-jarring noise.

“It’s an interesting time in our history,” continued Townsend, who believes that Trojan will be a major player in America’s defenses should a nuclear war with North Korea become imminent.  “That is why we want to do our part and ensure our erections are safe for generations to come.  Oh, and that pun was most definitely intended.”

EL PASO, TX – “Fevers, fevers, everywhere I look, someone’s got a f**king fever!!” Dr. Ryan Keeley was heard muttering down a hallway at Las Palmas Medical Center.  “People, for the love of God, can everyone f**king defervesce already?  That’s all I ask!  I’m just one ID doctor, damn it!”

High fevers, low-grade fevers, fevers of unknown origin, drug fever… If Keeley heard about one more fever, he was absolutely going to lose it.

“Hey, I have an idea,” Keeley screamed down on hospital ward for all to hear.  “How about we apply the Tenth Law of the House of God?  If you don’t take a temperature, you can’t find a fever.”

Keeley was getting desperate.  He has entered orders for scheduled Tylenol into everyone’s chart to help mask any future fevers that might come along.  Next he’s thinking about stealing all the thermometers.  That or dropping a gigantic vanco/Zosyn bomb on top of the hospital.

“I just want one consult, one, that has nothing to do with an abnormally high body temperature, is that too much to ask?” Keeley said from his knees, begging to the skies above.  “How about a good old-fashioned leukocytosis, just like in the olden days?”

In other news, dermatologist Johanna Lopez was having her own mental breakdown just a few floors above Keeley.  “If someone calls me about another damn rash, I’m quitting!  Done!  I’m going to quit for good!”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Local organic mom, Fern Meadow, is pleased that her life-threatening leg infection is pandrug-resistant.

“When I spiked a fever and saw red streaks going up my leg I didn’t want to go to the hospital because I was afraid they’d inject me me with all those toxic chemicals from the pharmaceutical industry,” she explained. “But then I must have forgotten to take my homeopathy regimen because I became unconscious and was brought here anyway.”

She recalled with glee the moment she came out of a coma and the infectious disease doctor delivered the good news: “He said, ‘I have bad news.’ He looked very serious and said there was nothing they could do for me besides supportive therapy. I couldn’t contain my excitement! Antibiotic-free is very important to me.”

As her systolic blood pressure dropped to 81 mmHg she continued, “My infection naturally evolved all of this resistance thanks to poor hospital antibiotic stewardship programs and lack of communication between different levels of care. I am proud of my community! It is important to support locally grown deadly mutant bacteria to avoid unnecessary fuel and transportation costs.”

“The doctor said that my bacteria is even resistant to colistin, and so am I. I googled it and it can cause kidney damage. Why would I want that in my body? Viva la resistance, down with colistin!” she said as she went into DIC.

Fern raised her voice to be heard over alarms indicating that her resting heart rate had surpassed 125. “My bacteria is free-range, never caged. It’s hormone, rBST, and GMO free. It’s sustainable thanks to all this resistance. And it’s raw, just look at it!” She held up her leg to show off a large, raw, exposed area with purulent discharge dripping down onto her sheets. As her nurse rushed in to assess her deteriorating status, Fern added, “and it’s gluten free!” despite not having celiac disease on her problem list.

At press time Fern was overheard asking “is that ET tube BPA-free?” between gasps for air.

A recent discovery has sent shockwaves through the Infectious Disease community, with professionals questioning current contact precaution practices. Present for many years, however only recently formally identified, Consultants Resistant to Everything, or CRE, may change the way we approach contact precautions forever.

Dr. Ragh, an orthopaedic surgeon who spearheaded this research project, released a statement outlining the team’s findings, “It appears that when a doctor reaches consultancy level, they immediately become resistant to all bacteria, rendering contact precautions pointless. For example, this would explain why consultants are never seen gowning and gloving prior to entering a gastro patient’s room”.

Researchers have put forth the following hypothesis to explain the phenomenon, “We believe well-tailored Hugo Boss suits, when worn by a consultant, have a certain property that somehow deflects all bacteria, and thus allowing the wearer free thoroughfare from patient room to patient room”.

One infectious disease doctor suggested that perhaps hospitals should provide well-tailored Hugo Boss suits to all doctors, however this has been met with backlash. “How could a consultant be identified in an emergency situation if every Joe, Dick and Harry are wearing well-tailored Hugo Boss suit like me? It would be a logistical nightmare! Not to mention financial…,” stated Dr. Ragh.

Junior doctors are still encouraged to observe all contact precautions, however should not be found gesturing to a consultant to do the same. Junior doctors will just have to wait until consultancy.

NEW ORLEANS, LA – Dr. Joseph Dell of Orthopedic Surgery was hoping it would be a calm day; no surgeries were scheduled and his clinic schedule today was surprisingly light.  After two months of relentless calls for orthopedic trauma, it was mostly clinic now, a much needed break, and it seemed the opportune time to get reorganized, catch up on dictations, and reconnect with research mentors.  But before the day could even get started, Dell’s computer screen froze.

“The ESPN home page was stuck and I couldn’t do anything,” said a frustrated Dell.

Wiggling the mouse had no effect.  The keyboard was unresponsive; Control-Alt-Delete was to no avail.  Dell turned off the computer and attempted to restart it.  However, after an unusually long reboot, Dell’s fears worsened as he noted the infamous blue screen of death (BSOD).

“Uh oh, I hope it’s not a virus,” Dell muttered with growing concern.  “Oh man, I hope I don’t lose all my stuff.  Shoot!  But I have software to protect against this.  Not now, damn it, not now!  Stupid computer, I hate this damn thing!”

Dell took a deep breath.  Think, he thought to himself.  Think!  Dell soon realized he had one option left.  He knew what to do.  Of course!  He called the only people he knew how to call for help.  I can always trust them!

“Hey, this is Dr. Packard of Hospital Medicine.”

“Hey, this is Ortho,” responded Dell.  “I need your help with antiviral management.”

“Oh, if that’s all, it might be best to call Infectious Diseases,” Dr. Packard suggested politely.

Minutes later.

“Hey, this is Dr. Sony of Infectious Diseases.”

“Hey, this is Ortho,” replied Dell.  “I need your help with antiviral management.”

Sony listened to Dell’s case with interest, asking questions and taking copious notes.  “What kind of PC?” Sony asked.

“No idea,” replied Dell.

“What’s the computer’s HIV status?” asked Sony.

“It hasn’t been tested,” Dell reluctantly admitted.

“This is a unique case,” Sony replied.  “Normally we evaluate humans, you know, people who have infectious diseases, not computers.  But this is an interesting case nonetheless since it certainly sounds infectious… You know what?  What the heck, we’ll see the computer.  Thanks for the interesting consult!”

Sony and team evaluated the 6-year-old Asus computer’s regimen.  The Asus was only on Norton Antivirus monotherapy and the regimen had last been updated in 2012.  Infectious Diseases worried about antiviral resistance since Norton Antivirus should typically be boosted with another antiviral agent.  Of note, the Asus was allergic to penicillins.

With the Asus computer growing more unresponsive, altered, and febrile, bacterial and fungal etiologies had to be considered.  Plus with the BSOD suggesting hypoxemia, Infectious Diseases could not rule out a problem with the computer’s fans.

“We recommend several studies,” commented Sony in his official consult. “Please send sputum cultures to rule out tuberculosis and PCP, blood cultures, urine cultures, urine Histoplasma antigen, and get a CT of the CPU without contrast.  Please consent for HIV and place PPD.  Place the computer under airborne precautions.  Consider lumbar puncture.  See antibiotic recommendations below.”

Infectious Diseases adjusted the regimen, adding Kasperski Antivirus as a booster.  They also broadened antibiotic coverage by adding empiric Norton Antibacteria and Kasperski Antifungus.  Pharmacokinetics dose-adjusted all antibiotics, accounting for Intel processor spread.  They plan to de-escalate therapy as more culture data become available.

In the meantime, Dell is holding his breath, hoping his computer doesn’t crash again and can miraculously pull through.

“If the Asus doesn’t make it, we’ll have to call Palliative Care,” Sony said shaking his head.  “I know it’ll be hard for Dell to hear but we’ll have to have The Talk.  You know the one.  The one about getting a Mac.  I know, I know.  I dread The Talk too.”