NEW YORK, NY—At the height of the Ebola epidemic in 2014, medical offices in America constantly asked patients if they’d recently traveled to Africa, declining to see those who had. Similarly, with the novel coronavirus running rampant throughout America, hospitals here have wisely started screening all potential patients with the following question: “Have you been to America recently?”

“Seriously, have you seen what’s going on in America?” asked U.S. General Hospital CEO Noah Merkens. “It’s a disaster area. We simply can’t afford to let anyone who’s been to America come here and expose everyone to this lethal microbe.”

When asked what hospital staff says to people who answer affirmatively to the screening question, Dr. Merkens replied, “We politely tell them we’re unable to care for them, that they should go home, and for the love of G-d, stay the f**k away from America!”

“Honestly, I’m way more scared now of people who have foolishly gone to America than I ever was of people who traveled to Africa in 2014,” continued Dr. Merkens. “Who would go to such a godforsaken place as America? The whole country is teeming with coronaviruses.”

While Dr. Merkens’ hospital sends these particular patients home after rejecting them, American Medical Center in Washington, DC has a slightly different approach. When a local named Murray Kant made the mistake of admitting recent travel to America, it initiated a frantic series of events that included the prompt evacuations of the hospital and every building within a 50-mile radius, a state-of-emergency declaration by the government, and the arrival of an intimidating squad of HazMat suits to whisk away Mr. Kant and his family to a quarantine center.

Meanwhile, in New York City, hospitals are rejecting people who respond affirmatively to an even more specific question: “Have you been to New York recently?”

But according to Manhattan Medical Center CEO Amanda Davidson, they’re neither sending these patients home nor to a quarantine center. “Nope, we just send ‘em across the river to New Jersey!”

In unrelated news, the number of Covid-19 cases in NJ has been exploding.

At press time, hospital officials across the country praised these new screening policies for having miraculously alleviated overcrowding concerns. “Now we have thousands of ventilators and PPEs but no patients,” said Dr. Merkens while shrugging his shoulders. “Oh well.”

NEW YORK, NY – In yet another in a long line of knee-jerk reactions to public relations nightmares, NBC President Jeff Zucker announced that NBC has reversed their long-standing policy against acknowledging that woman can be mothers and also be doctors.

In an episode of NBC Nightly News that aired January 27^th, Dr. Dyan Hes was interviewed on the potential ramifications of football-related head injuries on children. Dr. Hes was identified as a mother while a male physician was clearly identified as a Doctor.

“We at NBC are strong supporters of women’s rights, we even fired Matt Lauer after it was revealed that he serially sexually-assaulted women following significant public pressure,” Zucker explained. “My mother was a woman as are all of my mistresses and housekeepers, so I totally understand women. I really do.”

NBC apparently knew that Dr. Hes was a pediatrician at Cornell and even asked her several questions about advising patients, however those questions were edited out to better portray Dr. Hes as a mother with minimal education.

“We knew she was a doctor, but women doctors are intimidating to overinflated douchebags like me, so we made it a priority to emphasize her being a mom and hide her medical training and background which actually provides great credence to her statements.” Zucker mansplained further. “We already had a man doctor, or as I call them ‘doctors’ to discuss the topic in his white coat. There was no point having someone pretend to be educated on the subject who I would assume was a nurse even if she had a coat on that said MD.”

When asked how NBC would change going forward, Zucker said, “We will allow women to be doctors on TV or mothers, but not both. If a woman wants to portrayed in an interview as a woman AND a Doctor, have her go on CBS. There’s a reason they ran Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, we at NBC knew a woman couldn’t be a doctor and a mom even in the 1860’s and there’s no way they could do that now and still look good in heels.”

In related news, Zucker sustained a karma-related event when he fell down the stairs of his New York City penthouse and landed groin first into a cactus that promptly spontaneously combusted. Zucker was taken to NYU Medical Center where a female trauma surgeon evaluated him and ordered Q1 hour rectal temperature checks. The first rectal thermometer poked Zucker right in his big fat ugly head which was apparently been up his ass for several years.

TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NM – The Quality Initiative (QI) Committee here at Truth of Consequences Medical Center (ToCMC) was astounded by the news today that a patient developed a CAUTI or catheter-associated urinary tract infection,  which is considered to be a “never event.”

“I just don’t get it,” remarked puzzled committee Chairperson Notta Clinician.  “This is a never event.  It never happens.  That is the definition of never event.  If it happens, the next step is to question reality.  So right now our working theory is that this is just a dream or hallucination.”

PORTLAND, OR – A new policy has caused a controversy at a local hospital, with multiple departments banding together against the measure which now allows janitorial services to wear white coats.  Starting last month, janitors have been given long-length white coats to wear as part of their mandatory uniforms during work hours.

“A hospital-wide questionnaire made it clear that patients felt as though they didn’t see enough physicians around the hospital, which left them feeling unsafe,” said hospital CEO Joseph Summers in a statement released last month.  “Rather than hiring more physicians, which would cost the hospital millions of dollars a year, a simpler solution was to purchase extra white coats for janitorial services, a one-time cost of under $5,000.”

“This allows us to continue providing the best care while cutting costs, allowing us to adequately compensate our hospital administrative leadership who enacted this brilliant cost saving policy,” he smiled.

The majority of staff has voiced their concerns about the new plan, mostly due to fear that their own professional recognition would be denigrated.  “Patients already have a hard time telling who the real caregivers are,” said Sherri Jones, an RN. “For example, I wear a white coat because in addition to being an RN I also have a PhD in Comparative Greek Literature.”

She continued, “So when I introduce myself as Dr. Jones to a patient, I do it because I earned that title and a white coat with five long years of high-level comparative literature analysis.”

Patients seem to be unaware of the new policy, but the hospital administration says that the response has been positive.  “I am really enjoying my stay here,” said Marie Hathaway, an elderly woman being treated for pneumonia.  “There are so many doctors!  My favorite is the one who brings me my food tray every day.  He always has such a cute little hair net on like he just came from the operating room!”

Hathaway admits the system isn’t perfect, however.  “My least favorite doctor is the one who wakes me up at 6 every morning and is the only one who feels the need to refer to himself as a doctor.  What a jerk!”

She added, “Also, I think the doctor who takes out the trash doesn’t speak much English.”

Respiratory technicians and dietitians have had a particularly vocal voice in the matter.  “I can’t believe that the hospital administration is letting janitors wear white coats,” said one technician who did not want to be named.  “I mean, the nerve of these people!”

“Being confused for a physician is a privilege, not a right,” he added.  “And I earned that privilege after graduating from an accelerated 18-month program at Pima Medical Institute.”

In a surprising move today, Nevercare General Hospital announced that it will close its medical staff office and stop credentialing doctors.

“It only makes sense,” said hospital CEO Matthew Pennypinch, MBA.  “We’ve had ongoing problems for years with doctors ordering tests, prescribing treatments and otherwise consuming resources, and it’s time to plug that hole.”

Also mentioned in the hospital’s press release was concern about the mental health of credentialing clerks.  “These poor employees have to spend hours confirming prior appointments, contacting training programs, and calling references, not to mention answering all those phone calls from doctors who can’t understand why the process takes longer than a full-term pregnancy.  We will be transferring all of them to the billing department, where they will actually bring in some money instead of spending it on difficult customers like these.”

Nevercare General expects to save thousands of dollars each month on antibiotics alone, since sports medicine rarely involves an infection “and anyway, surgeons tend to use the old drugs that are lots cheaper than the ones advertised on TV.”  All lab and imaging tests will be performed before and after admission, saving additional funds on laboratory medicine and radiology.

Asked how the hospital will meet patient needs without doctors, Pennypinch was unconcerned.  “We get along fine on nights and weekends with PAs and the Rapid Response Team.  And hey, we can fast track the occasional sports medicine or cosmetic surgery guy to do lucrative procedures.”

But the patients who run up bills their insurance companies don’t want to pay can be managed much more cost-effectively with midlevel providers.  We can’t wait to see how our Press Ganey scores improve once we stop annoying patients with early mobilization and midnight nebulizer treatments.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Speaking at a live press conference from the Rose Garden today, President Obama announced major changes to health care, that he expects to solve the nation’s doctor shortage.  This new law, which the president issued in an executive order, bypassing a House and Senate vote, will allow patients to select WebMD as their primary care provider, in most cases, eliminating a patient’s need for a face-to-face doctor’s visit.

A study by the Association of American Medical Colleges, found that if trends continue, there will be a shortage of up to 90,000 primary care and specialists within the next 10 years  This poses a significant risk to patients not receiving access to the services they need.

“When a person selects WebMD as their health care provider, they will get the same quality care they would get from an in-person visit,” said President Obama.  “A patient simply checks the boxes related to the symptoms they are experiencing, and they will receive prescriptions, lab orders, educational information, and a full health summary, all which can be printed out without the patient ever having to get off of the couch.”

The President also said this is a “win-win” for the Affordable Care Act.  Not only will patients no longer be required to pay co-payments for doctors’ visits, but it is a real cost-saver for the U.S. Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS), which has negotiated special rates through advertising on the WebMD site.

The administration is currently working on tackling the anticipated specialist shortage, which is said to be trickier because specialists often provide surgical procedures.  “We are getting closer,” the President said.  “Within the next few years, we will have created robotic methods that will eliminate the need for doctors to participate in surgeries at all.”

In fact, developers are in the final stages of implementing a doctor-free colonoscopy, which uses infrared heat sensors to detect where the tube needs to be inserted into a patient.  They have also created an automated defibrillator for emergency rooms, which is part of a patient’s bed, and simply slides into position as a patient’s monitor signals cardiac arrest.

As expected, the response to the President’s announcement was positive among patients.  “I already use WebMD for my medical care,” said Jonathan Webbers, a professor of technology at the University of Maryland.  “It’s always been frustrating when my doctor refuses to give me with medication or order an MRI without an office visit.  I can’t wait to sign up and avoid jumping through that unnecessary hurdle.”

If the new law is successful, the President says the concept could also be implemented into mall kiosks and ATMs.

Here are some fantastic caricatures depicting medical Students, junior doctors, and paediatricians from a fan all the way from Ireland.  If you enjoyed the cartoons, check out more at the artist’s website www.eoinkelleher.com.

Oh yes, the days of being a medical student.  You can always tell who is the most junior medical student by the cleanliness of their white coat and the number of instruments and books in their pockets:

But it doesn’t stop at being a medical student:

And then as a staff paediatrician: