In a surprising move today, Nevercare General Hospital announced that it will close its medical staff office and stop credentialing doctors.
“It only makes sense,” said hospital CEO Matthew Pennypinch, MBA. “We’ve had ongoing problems for years with doctors ordering tests, prescribing treatments and otherwise consuming resources, and it’s time to plug that hole.”
Also mentioned in the hospital’s press release was concern about the mental health of credentialing clerks. “These poor employees have to spend hours confirming prior appointments, contacting training programs, and calling references, not to mention answering all those phone calls from doctors who can’t understand why the process takes longer than a full-term pregnancy. We will be transferring all of them to the billing department, where they will actually bring in some money instead of spending it on difficult customers like these.”
Nevercare General expects to save thousands of dollars each month on antibiotics alone, since sports medicine rarely involves an infection “and anyway, surgeons tend to use the old drugs that are lots cheaper than the ones advertised on TV.” All lab and imaging tests will be performed before and after admission, saving additional funds on laboratory medicine and radiology.
Asked how the hospital will meet patient needs without doctors, Pennypinch was unconcerned. “We get along fine on nights and weekends with PAs and the Rapid Response Team. And hey, we can fast track the occasional sports medicine or cosmetic surgery guy to do lucrative procedures.”
But the patients who run up bills their insurance companies don’t want to pay can be managed much more cost-effectively with midlevel providers. We can’t wait to see how our Press Ganey scores improve once we stop annoying patients with early mobilization and midnight nebulizer treatments.”