WASHINGTON, DC – CEOs of major US hospitals are breaking their silence and coming out in favor of hiring more hospital administrators. CEO of Memorial Hospital in Chicago, Tammy Watkinson, is certain the fix for skyrocketing healthcare costs in the US is of course to hire more hospital administrators.
“Just look at the recent numbers of administrators to physicians,” stated an emotional Watkinson referencing a recent chart circulating in the news (above) about the growth of hospital administrators. “Although we have made progress in hiring more administrators over the past few years, we haven’t made enough progress. This chart proves our lack of real progress!”
Administrators are looking to not only drastically add more administrators, but also to decrease the number of physicians and nurses in the trenches in what they think is the real reason for astronomical healthcare costs in the US.
“How can we justify paying for physicians when we know from experience they can’t code worth a sh**,” said hospital administrator Dan Turnosky. “Their weak and inaccurate coding costs our hospital millions and we have to pass those costs onto our customers. Doctors are the real problem in hospitals and don’t even get me started on those whiny nurses. They are just as bad and cost us millions in back injury claims from not following proper lifting procedures for our patients.”
Turnosky thinks doctors and nurses should be cut in half in total numbers and have salary cuts of 50%. Ideally all providers will take 800 hours of classes involving medical coding, hospitality, and other cost savings. Weekly tests and performance reviews will look at patient satisfaction and ICD-10 coding.
“Our message to the American public is that hospital administrators know how to keep costs down and they need us more than healthcare providers. Doctors aren’t going to provide WiFi in the waiting room, but we will!”