AUGUSTA, GA – Thanks to the assistance of both Oncology & ENT, a local ophthalmologist is relieved to find out a patient’s periorbital mass is simply just his nose.

“Phew, that was a close call,” uttered Dr. Scott O’Malley, Professor of Ophthalmology at the Masters Eye Center in Augusta. He wiped a considerable amount of sweat from his brow. “You can never be too careful with these things. As far as I know, the nose is a benign growth.”

O’Malley was performing a comprehensive eye exam on his patient when he came across the pointy-shaped protrusion. He observed that it increased in size caudally before retreating back into the patient’s face just above the lip. It was also notable for two perforations located on its undermost side.

“At the time I was incredibly concerned, yes, very much so,” O’Malley explained, hugely appreciative of the timely consultations from his colleagues. “The periorbital growth was situated between both the left and right eye. Thankfully, it wasn’t causing any mass effect on either one. No vision loss, no papilledema. I knew I had to act quickly.”

The patient has taken heed of the advice of both consultants and will be finding a new ophthalmologist.

NORCROSS, GA – Area ophthalmologist Rick Cavalier believes in taking full advantage of dilated pupils during his eye exams, which is why he not only uses special magnifying lenses but his own index finger to examine all of the critical tissues in the back of the eye.  

“I remember back in medical school when you examined the heart, lungs, and abdomen you always wanted to palpate the area in question, it was always one of the techniques you used,” explained Cavalier as he wiped some of his patient’s tears on his pant leg.  “Ophthalmologists might press on your closed eyeball to get a sense of intraocular pressure but that’s as much palpation as you get.  In my eyes, that’s unacceptable.” 

Cavalier goes through all the motions when it comes to a comprehensive dilated eye exam, but then takes it a little further.  By using a little more eye drops than usual, Cavalier gets the pupils maximally dilated so that he can successfully pass his index finger through them. 

“There’s a lot of information you can gather from how a patient’s lens and vitreous humor feels against your bare finger,” Cavalier told Gomerblog, all of us trying collectively not to gag.  “There’s nothing more satisfying than feeling healthy retinas and optic nerves at the tip of my fingers.”  He adds that his favorite maneuver is the full finger sweep, in which he rotates his wrist and arm 360 degrees to fully palpate the entire inside of an eyeball.  “It’s like retroflexion on colonoscopy, but my finger and your eyeball.”  

Cavalier hopes more ophthalmologists follow his footsteps, though he offers some advice to those who do. 

“Obviously wash your hands, but also clip those fingernails and make sure they’re not too sharp,” he warned.  “I figured out the hard way, believe me.” 

CHICAGO, IL – With many in health care wondering if this is the apotheosis between two long-time warring factions, optometrist Rick Fovea and ophthalmologist Craig Sclera have agreed to meet at the flagpole at 3 PM tomorrow to settle their differences old-school.

The history between Optometry and Ophthalmology is a bloody one. 

An armistice was agreed upon back in 2011, however, hostilities have ramped up in the past few years. 

For unclear reasons, Fovea called out Sclera today telling him to “Hand over one of those H’s, punk.”  Sclera, not yielding any ground, was quick to retort, dangling all those H’s in ophthalmology in front of Fovea.  “If you want it, come and get it.”   

Those within eyeshot, observed escalating and devastating verbal blows to each other.

Finally, the two agreed on the flagpole.

In sort of related news, there is no flagpole on the medical campus which begs the question if both Fovea and Sclera need to have their eyes checked.

BROOKLYN, NY – Emergency room physicians at Maimonides Medical Center did not waste any time consulting ophthalmology to restore the vision of Mr. Potato Head after he presented earlier today with a chief complaint of “my eyes falling out of my head.”

“Mr. Potato Head did the right thing seeking medical attention right away,” said Maimonides on-call ophthalmologist Dr. George Lemer, who described a particularly gruesome scene at bedside.  “He was in hospital bed 4, covered in his own body parts.  Mrs. Potato Head was in tears, obviously shaken, but never left his side.  It wasn’t bloody, but it wasn’t pretty either.”

Similar to retinal detachment in human beings, ocular detachment can rapidly lead to blindness if not promptly treated in tubers like Mr. Potato Head.  Thankfully, Lemer is one of the world’s most capable ophthalmologists, having specialized in spud eyes for the last three decades.

This is not Mr. Potato Head’s first hospitalization for organ detachment.  He has been a frequent flyer ever since his birth on May 1, 1952, needing medical care for recurrent eye detachment as well as recurrent ear, nose, and mouth detachment.  Due to his peculiar anatomy, Mr. Potato Head is extremely high risk for organ loss any time he bends over, bumps into something, laughs, or is pat on the back too hard.  He was even seen by Palliative Care during his last hospitalization in September 2017 but told them he was not yet ready for hospice at that time.

Today’s episode was the result of a very violent sneeze.  “I could feel it coming on,” Mr. Potato Head explained after his wife, Mrs. Potato Head, reattached his mouth.  “I tried to remove my nose before it was too late, but I didn’t act quick enough.  My entire face fell off.  It was quite the sneeze.  In fact, we still can’t find my hat!”

ATLANTA, GA – Say it isn’t so!  The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has just announced that it cannot and will not recommend against the licking of eyeballs, thus delivering a devastating blow to anyone who had hopes of doing so in the near or even distant future.  “Our literature search has revealed that there is no evidence for or against licking eyeballs and, frankly, we hope there will never be any evidence regarding the licking of eyeballs because that is just totally disgusting,” wrote CDC Director Thomas Frieden in a statement published on the CDC web site entitled Don’t You Dare Lick Any Eyeballs, America.  Though this was penned with the general public in mind, in particular those people whose “French kisses have gone awry,” Frieden did not hesitate to call out health care providers including ophthalmologists as well.  “As for you internists and ophthalmologists who are brave enough to poke at eyeballs in the first place, don’t even think about adding the licking or tasting or whatever of eyeballs to your physical examination toolkit, just stick with ophthalmoscopes and penlights, okay?”  The Infectious Diseases Society of America (IDSA) agrees with the CDC recommendations and but does state that should “any crazy mofos out there choose to lick eyeballs, please be safe and use a condom.”