NEW YORK, NY – Realizing that the ophthalmologic world of retina is still way too vast with its ten layers, retina specialist Jacob Vitreous has decided to further subspecialize by focusing not only on one of those ten layers – the photoreceptor layer – but also on a subset of cells within that layer – cones, but definitely not rods.

“I hate rods,” said Vitreous with a hint of anger.  “Peripheral vision, night vision… who cares?  I hate rods.  And not just rods in the eye either.  All rods: fishing rods, lightning rods, hot rods, and A-Rod because of the steroid thing.”

Vitreous’ decision to focus on cone cells is consistent with the trend of subspecializing seen in healthcare.  Ear, Nose & Throat (ENT) doctors are choosing to become Ear, Nose or Throat doctors.  Hand surgeons are specializing down to individual fingers.  General surgeons are training to become specific surgeons.  One New York endocrinologist has been rumored to have narrowed his focus so much that he only treats 42-year-old diabetics named Michael or Michelle.

As for Vitreous, he will need to complete another five years of fellowship on cones.  Vitreous believes that it’s the right thing for him; he thought about it long and hard.  “A good friend of mine committed to five years of rods fellowship,” he explained anecdotally.  “Four years into it, she was so upset; she realized she was a cones kind of gal.”

As you might have guessed, Vitreous loves cones.  All seven million of them.

“I mean, bright light and color vision, that’s where it’s at!” said Vitreous, his eyes wide with excitement.  “I love cones!  And not just cones in the eye either.  All cones: orange traffic cones, ice cream cones, snow cones, former Mets pitcher David Cone, the Coneheads, and even my neighbors, the Cohens.  Man, they’re such nice folk!”

There is already speculation among family, friends, and colleagues of Vitreous that if fellowship goes well, he will further specialize in left-eye cone cells.  Only time will tell.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.