HANOVER, NJ – The Holy Cross Hospital announced today that they have hired off-duty United Airlines security guards to help “re-accommodate” drug seekers from their overbooked ER.

Previous attempts including placing a large bowl of Percocet in the waiting room failed to deter even the most ardent drug seekers.  Holy Cross ER Department Chairman Dr. Willie Runofsky explains, “We tried offering them everything, Percocet in a bowl, M&M bags with ‘Dilaudid’ written on them, even $800 cash to come back later.”  None of these measures had any appreciable impact.

“The security guards are much more cost efficient and faster than admitting the patients to medicine for some BS diagnosis and they don’t ask for silly things like labs or EKGs,” Dr Runofsky continued.  An unforseen bonus is that the ER waiting room now has available seating that nurses can use for congregating prior to their scheduled shifts.

With the Joint Commission coming for an inspection any year now, the administration at Holy Cross was very happy to get on board with the new plan.  “Ever since the United Airlines security guards arrived, its created a binary situation in our ER: patients either are gone or they have a head injury and we can bill for a trauma code.  Either way it’s a win-win!  Our ER wait times have been cut nearly 100%!” raved vice president of Patient Satisfaction Surveys Stanley Huffenpuff RN, BSN, CCRN, BLS, ACLS, OPP, BFD, USA.

Not everyone is as supportive of the new collaboration.  Dr. John McConnell claims he was merely sitting at his desk getting ready for his shift when United Airlines security re-accommodated him into a nearby park.

“I was finishing up clicking boxes from my previous shift when these ruffians smashed my head against my chair then dragged me out of the ER and tossed me into the duck pond,” he complained.

“But there is no one in the waiting room to be seen so I’ll hang out with the mallards for a while and enjoy the sunshine.”  No word yet if the United Airlines security guards are going to be permanent fixtures at Holy Cross or if they’re just going to stay until their “re-accommodation” period with United is completed.

FRIDLEY, MN – New studies are demonstrating that the more EKG leads a patient has, the more accurate the EKG is.  Previously, only 12 leads were utilized to produce EKG printouts, but physicists at Medtronic, the world’s largest EKG pad provider, have discovered that the more leads placed on the patient, the more detailed the EKG is.

“Our findings are quite simple, the more EKG leads hooked up, the better the EKG,” stated EKG maker Medtronic CEO Samantha Purkinje.  “Our limiting factor is now available space on a body to physically place more EKG leads.  That is how we came to 230 as that is a good compromise between quality and functionality.”

Patients in the 270-lead trial were complaining they couldn’t see with leads place over their eyelids, others complained that losing their eyebrows after the test wasn’t worth the extra information the EKG provided.  They compromised on 6 genital leads, when some patients thought that 4 EKG pads placed on the genitals were better than the recommended 15 genital leads the researchers tried to place.

At press time, cardiologists were happy to hear that the new 230-lead EKG machine will still display the interpretation on the top of the page, so reading the EKG independently of the answers will not occur.  “This is a relief,” said Dr. Rome, a cardiologist.  “I didn’t go through 3 years of fellowship to be reading all these EKGs!”

The EKG lead maker also recommends if the patient moves during the EKG to replace all 230 pads in case one of the leads was the problem.

Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome (WPW) is a pre-excitation syndrome of intermittent tachycardia that results from an accessory pathway (the bundle of Kent) directly connecting the atria and the ventricles.  The anomalous pathyway allows electrical activity to bypass the AV node to produce pre-excitation.  WPW has characteristic ECG findings of a short PR interval, wide QRS complex, and the delta wave (slurred upstroke in the QRS complex).  The condition is associated with atrioventricular reentrant tachycardia (AVRT) and atrial fibrillation.

MEDCOMIC creator Jorge Muniz has created a funny and effective way to help study for that next test!  We posted a few of his many cartoons here and here, and if you like them, be sure to check out his website www.medcomic.com.  He has a book that has received rave reviews. A must grab for any student: medical, nursing, PA, or Gomer.  Check it out HERE.

TOPEKA, KS – Veteran cardiologist, Dr. Ernesto Rodriguez, appeared on 20/20 last night with a shocking revelation.  Dr. Rodriguez admitted to just using the computer interpretation of EKGs as his own interpretations for the past 15 years.  He hopes to shed light on a growing trend in cardiology and put a stop to it.

“Usually the computer interpretation is right,” said Rodriquez.  “I was running out of daylight hours to see my kids and I was in a rush.”  Rodriguez was referring to a pile of EKGs that he would be handed at the end of the day to read for outlying clinics.

“Interpreting an EKG could take 5-10 minutes for each EKG, especially if I needed to calculate the QTc.  I got paid $25 an EKG and some days I would have over 50 EKGs to read.  Simply signing my name next to the computer interpretation was so much faster.”

Rodriguez went on to say that he would add “no ST changes” or “normal T wave progression” next to the computer readout just to make it look like he actually read the EKG himself.

Surprisingly, very few mistakes were made from the computer in all of those years.  In all, maybe 2 posterior MIs were missed, one WPW syndrome, and one long QT syndrome, but overall not too bad for 1000s of EKGs.  Dr. Rodriguez is retiring this year, but by coming forward with his revalations, he hopes to change matters.  Hospital insurance companies now plan to use the EKG computer interpretation instead of hiring cardiologists from here on out.

“Thanks!” was the very sarcastic response from the American College of Cardiology.  “I guess we will just have to go and steal more business from the cardiothoracic surgeons to make up for this!”

MIAMI, FL – EKG tech Candi Jacobs has been working at Mercy Hospital for two years.  She was recently reassigned; hospital administration stated the reason as “voluptuous breasts.”

Ms. Jacobs and her scrub puppies were transferred after working as an ER EKG tech for 2 years.  Upon review, all of her male patients had sinus tachycardia or ST changes on her EKGs.

“Too much metoprolol was given out.  Not to mention the risk she posed,” Dr. Chalmers, an administrator, stated and he was referring to the increased cardiac risk.

Initially hospital administrators were blinded by Candi’s curvy curse.  When she was questioned about how she was placing the leads, setting up the machine, and many other possible technical errors, none were found.  Or at least that is what the all male committee concluded.

“I have never seen a better EKG tech, in fact I may have to watch her several more times to pick up on some new tricks myself,” an anonymous committee member stated.  Doctors and the administration were baffled.

“I don’t understand why they transferred her,” cardiologist Dr. John McDermitt told reporters.  “She was so nice.  I wonder if I can have her work with our echo tech, or any position in our department?”

A hospital-wide investigation was launched when their myocardial infarction numbers were published.  “We were a full 4% higher than our rival Methodist Hospital.  We get the same patients.  So another investigation was launched.”

Team member Christina Hatrup found the source.  “I reviewed every MI we had in the last 2 years.  There seemed to be a common thread.”  It turned out those patients’ troponins spiked only after they had an EKG, and on days when Candi was at work.  “I’m so surprised none of the guys found this.  It was so obvious.  Just needed a woman’s touch.”

Some frequent flyers are complaining about the change.  “I came to THIS particular hospital with chest pain because they have the best staff.  What gives?” Jared Flemming, a 52-year-old male who typically comes in with chest pain, receives 2-3 EKGs and then gets sent home.  “I don’t think they know what they are doing around here anymore,” he said referring to the recent reassignment.  “I blame Obamacare.”

Candi told reporters, “I understand why, and I won’t sue, it’s just disappointing.  I never thought I was a danger to patients.  On a positive note, life on the labor floor will be rewarding.  Oh yeah, and once Maxim magazine found out my breasts were causing heart attacks, they offered me a front page picture on their next magazine!”

LOUISIANA – GomerBlog is excited to bring you breaking news that is just being reported from Memorial Hospital in operating room 4.  An anesthesiologist, who we can’t confirm the name as of yet so we will just use the generic term ‘anesthesia,’ is reported to have placed all 5 EKG leads on a laparoscopic cholecystectomy patient, completely out of the surgical field.

“I couldn’t believe it!” exclaimed the general surgeon in the case.  “I didn’t have to move a single one of those squishy white pads.  I don’t even know what they really do, but they are always in my way.”

Although GomerBlog cannot confirm this report yet, it is also believed that the Bair Hugger was also placed out of the surgical field above the nipples and did not need to be repositioned.  Room 4 could be off to the fastest room start in 10 years.

If the anesthesiologist can simultaneously operate the table control with one hand, put up both drapes with the other, and use his left foot to kick the Bovie pedal to the surgeon, while shouting out times to the room nurse, they will certainly break the record and get home early tonight.

Stay tuned!